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Here & Now #92: Is it a PM?

Image S Sorrensen

Image S Sorrensen

S Sorrensen

Australia. Day Two of Good Government, 3am

Oh please. Save me, save me.

It’s not just the obvious gaffes that anyone can make; we all make mistakes with language. I made one just the other day. I used the indicative form of the verb in a subjunctive clause! Boy, was I embarrassed. (You would be too if it were to happen to you.)

No one – no matter how well educated, no matter how up himself, no matter how privileged, no-matter how many speech writers are employed – is the ‘suppository of all wisdom’.

Hey, ‘shit happens’. Like soldiers dying in far-flung countries for the new crusade.

And ‘Canadia’ is probably a better name for our dear ally in climate change denial because it makes the adjective ‘Canadian’ more easily remembered.

Anyone can make a mistake. I appreciate that. Doesn’t mean you can’t be a great ruler. Remember George W?

Sure, Tony and his mates may have enjoyed a free education, which earlier governments thought was a hallmark of an equitable society but which now obviously impinges on the money available for big business subsidies, but that doesn’t mean they won’t occasionally have some simple language mix-ups.

English is a tricky language, and we all enjoy a good laugh at mangled English – even as we tow their leaking boats back to deep water.

‘Hep me, prease. Hep me.’ Ha ha.

If you can’t say it, you ain’t gonna get it, right?

Because, ‘Jesus didn’t say yes to everyone. I mean, Jesus knew that there was a place for everything and it is not necessarily everyone’s place to come to Australia.’ (Tony Abbott, Q&A, 2010)

See? Our man knows his Bible:

‘For I was hungry, and you fed me. I was thirsty, and you gave me a drink. I was a stranger, and you invited me into your home.’ (Matthew 25:35)

Or maybe he was thinking:

‘Is it not to share your food with the hungry and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter; when you see the naked, to clothe them, and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?’ (Isaiah 58:7)

Or:

‘Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practise hospitality.’ (Romans 12:13)

Hmm. Okay, perhaps the Tonester isn’t the Lord, or even a knight; he’s barely Christian. His understanding of Jesus is on par with his understanding of English: awful.

Why say ‘competitive evaluation process’ when what you mean is: ‘It’s a done deal. The subs will be built in Japania.’

Why can’t ‘operational matters’ be commented on? (Surgeons do.)

Climate change is not ‘crap’, Tony. It’s a reality, and denial of that is a crime against humanity. Oh, loggers are not the ‘ultimate conservationists’ either.

And 50 years after the Freedom Rides, Aboriginal people do not have ‘much to celebrate in this country’s British heritage’.

Really though, it’s not the gaffes, the blasphemy, the obfuscations, the lies and the cold inhumanity that annoy me most, it’s that I have to hear more of it. Oh no. Tony’s immortal. Like Superman.

After an awkward moment in the Fortress of Conservitude this week where he was exposed to a Liberal dose of kryptonite, Kal-El Abbott has emerged, weakened and lonely but still the main man, and vowed to continue – with um, er, due consultation and really sincere humility – destroying truth and justice here in Metropolis and to unquestioningly embrace the corporate way.

Like Superman in a grey suit with red Speedos, he still leads us in the crusade against an ‘evil’ so ‘evil’ it’s ‘pure evil’. (And that’s just Labor…)

Many say he won’t last. But…

‘I can do things that other people can’t. Hold my hand. This is gonna hurt.’ (Superman, Man of Steel, 2013)


5 responses to “Here & Now #92: Is it a PM?”

  1. Kavik says:

    He’s not Superman. The Unflushable Turd is probably a more accurate title.

  2. Earthlover says:

    ‘Jesus didn’t say yes to everyone. I mean, Jesus knew that there was a place for everything and it is not necessarily everyone’s place to come to Australia.’ (Tony Abbott, Q&A, 2010)…

    He really said that? It’s clear the ‘man’ says any old thing… Of course he really said that! May he unhesitatingly kryptonite himself.

  3. Robin Anscomb says:

    I trust that people would understand your second paragraph. If I were Gower, I could too.

  4. Maureen McDermott says:

    Thank you S. The doings of our government make me despair.
    Having brought democracy to Afghanistan I wish someone had thought to bring it home again and I hope it is working better over there.
    I turn to your column first thing because a laugh is desperately needed to chase my cynical thoughts away even if only for a few minutes..

  5. Steven Snow says:

    Just wanted to register as a fan of your work.
    Your observations and commentaries are extraordinarily honest and witty.
    You write brilliantly . If you ever come to my restaurant I would be honoured to meet you.
    Abbott as leader of the Libs is the best thing the Greens and Labor could hope for.

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