Last week my middle daughter finished school. Forever. That’s one less lunchbox on my bench. At my peak I was packing five lunchboxes and now I’m down to just two little boxes. I don’t understand parents who can’t wait for... Read More →
What is the collective noun for a group of slim, incredibly attractive young women in swimsuits and tiaras? A nightclub? A pole dance? No, it’s a pageant. A few weeks ago the winner of the 2016 Miss Universe Australia pageant, Caris Tiivel, was crowned.
As a kid my childhood is cleaved in two. BD and AD. That’s before the death and after the death of my father. I was six when he drove his powder-blue Valiant into the oncoming car of what I was to later discover was a school friend’s grandfather, killing him as well.
Life’s full of surprises. How you start out isn’t always how you end up. Growing up, I wasn’t a bad girl. I know that’s kind of shocking. Because I certainly turned into one later in life. It doesn’t even make sense to me and I’m me. Imagine how my mother feels.
Last week at about 2.30 in the afternoon I was meeting someone at a pub when two sketchy-looking dudes came into the front bar with their dog. Nothing unusual. There are sketchy-looking dudes with dogs all over the place, but... Read More →
If you want to see the worst in men go to children’s soccer. The minute their kid hits the pitch certain ‘grown’ men transform into testosterone-fuelled man-beasts obsessed with living out their failed sporting prowess through their poor kid.
What the hell happened to the Census? For the next four years the government will be using the data of a handful of people without computers who actually triumphed over electronic citizens when the online platform spat the dummy. That’s... Read More →
Every four years I look forward to watching the Olympics. It’s a bit of a thing for most people. In between times I’m not an avid watcher of sport, and I don’t have a team that I have bonded with. I’m never really sure whom to barrack for.
When harm is incurred, there are three little magic words that people seem to believe alleviates them of all social, moral and ethical responsibility: ‘I didn’t know’. When Big Daddy Malcolm rang Indigenous Affairs minister Nigel Scullion with what I... Read More →
Mum, I am just going down to the hospital.’ When your 15-year-old son says this to you, it’s hard not to panic. What’s wrong? Has he accidentally removed a limb trying to cut gluten-free bread?
Apparently I am likely to die prematurely. Well, at the very least a few years sooner than comedic or serious actors. A recent study shows that the funnier you are as a comedian, the shorter your lifespan is. Standup comedians... Read More →
She’s back. Bigger, redder and more bigoted than ever. Pauline Hanson has found herself a seat in the senate, thus landing a hefty cash injection into the One Nation bank account from the AEC. Votes are still being counted but... Read More →
There is no such thing as chemtrails. I know this may come as a bit of a shock. Like being told there’s no Santa or no tooth fairy. But the truth is, a fat man coming down your chimney in... Read More →
You better do what you’re told. If not, someone will fine you. If you don’t pay the fine we double it. Then we double it again. Then we send the State Debt Recovery Office (must be a hoot working there)... Read More →
Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the kitchen, the kombucha is back. I couldn’t believe it. I thought we’d got our fill of the fermented fungus juice back in the 90s.
There is a bloke in Mullumbimby whom I adore. I don’t know him, I don’t even know his name, but when I see him I feel this huge surge of happiness. I have never seen a person more comfortable with who they are.
When I was 21 I found myself in prison. For almost eight months. It’s not what you think. I wasn’t auditioning for Orange is the New Black. It wasn’t a women’s prison. It was a men’s prison. Boggo Road, maximum-security... Read More →
So this week we’re being told the overuse of antibiotics has caused the emergence of a superbug. A woman in the US presented with a urinary tract infection and was identified as having a strain of E Coli that doesn’t respond to Colisti, our top-gun antibiotic.
I make lists. It’s what I do. It is not unusual for me to wake in the middle of the night, my head buzzing with things that I would have otherwise forgotten. ‘Order serviettes. Do I need buckets? Count chairs.’... Read More →
I used to hate going to bed. When I was a child I was convinced that the time when I was sleeping was when all the interesting stuff happened. That’s why adults wanted children to go to bed. So they could do the good stuff.
Dear Tony, I know I shouldn’t be writing this, but can you help? This immigration minister thing seemed like a good idea at the time, it looked good on paper, and kind of gave me a boner when I saw... Read More →
When I became a mother I remember thinking how much better I was going to be at the whole mothering racket than my own mother. My children would enjoy my endless devotion characterised by monogrammed cupcakes nestled in bespoke lunchboxes,... Read More →
I am not colouring-in. There, I said it. I don’t get this whole colouring-in craze. Have we all gone mad? Are we so sedated by life that’s all we’re left with. For fuck’s sake, learn to knit. Crochet around your... Read More →
There is a popular attitude towards homelessness that I find perplexing and idiotic. It comes directly from the Alan Jones school of compassion and centres on ‘homeless authenticity’, namely, that there are two types of homeless people. People who are... Read More →
Last week I realised I had a stalker. Sunday arvo, a NO CALLER ID call comes through. I pick it up. The voice says, ‘Hello, Mandy, it’s Rob!’ I didn’t have a clue who Rob was, but here’s a little... Read More →