Bugger global warming, the really important question of the week is whether or not Tony Abbott told Tony Windsor he would do anything short of selling his arse to become PM, and might do that anyway if conditions required it.

Abbott vehemently denies he said such a thing, while one of his colleagues hardly helped by castigating Windsor for airing a private conversation. Which one of them is lying?

Given the standard of debate in federal parliament at the moment, the news media are right to concentrate upon arses instead. It’s a far more instructive area of investigation. Besides, selling your arse is hardly as bad as selling out your principles, your country or common human decency.

What sort of price would we get for Tony’s arse? His level of fitness indicates it would fetch much more than those of his fellow frontbenchers. He would fail in terms of kilogrammage compared to his mate Alan Jones but surely firmness is a more reliable sales indicator.

Could we establish a market for politicians’ arses? Hell yeah, the commodities market is such a corrupt and fevered arena you could sell almost anything. And Tony Windsor’s a rural man – he could also get the word around the cattle saleyards in no time.

Commodities traders are a feral bunch but would probably see more value in politicians’ arses in a stable, western democracy. In the volatile African market a politician’s arse is likely to be grass at any moment, so Australian arsebearers like Abbott would be prime for trading. Through their agents media barons or mining magnates could easily acquire Tony’s – or Julia’s, but probably not Bob’s – arse and have it firmly mounted on a wall of the boardroom next to Phil Ruddock’s testicles.

It would be a fine enterprise – until the bottom fell out of it.