The amazing thing about the young generation is their ability to create fashion trends out of things that shock their parents. A decade ago men wore their pants so the top of their Calvin Klein undies were exposed. I mean if you’ve spent $40 on a pair of man briefs you want the world to know. At the time I noticed that very few men chose that particular fashion option to expose their pack of 10 Kmart jocks. We all laughed at the trend but noticed that our own husbands’ pants dipped a centimetre or two to make themselves more appealing to young women. I mean what young thing doesn’t swoon when she spies a little grandad crack?

The underpant trend has reached a new low tide of late with teenage boys wearing their undies under their actual bum cheeks. This requires the wearer to have the belt firmly strapped so as to not lose the pants completely. In fact it would appear that the penis and balls play a vital role in securing the trouser to the wearer. I have watched these boys run and notice that their body movements are dictated by the challenge of keeping what’s left of their pants on.

I am concerned about the Occupational Health and Safety risks posed by such a low pant line. I’m surprised that more skateboard riders don’t suddenly become tangled in their own trousers and meet an unfortunate end where they must suffer not only the shame of being dead, but also being publicly dacked.

I cannot think of anything more uncomfortable than a continual sensation that my pants are falling down. I’m overweight and my pants are afflicted with the constant waistline rolldown. It’s a constant cause of fatty bombah irritation. And why the entire arse out? Now we don’t just get the branded band, we get the sweaty round underpant-clad cheeks as well.

A homosexual friend of mine (I feel so Oscar Wilde saying that!) informed me that in jail, the exposure of the bottom in such a manner is a signal that you are available for anal loving. I wonder whether the fiercely heterosexual and very often homophobic young gangsters I spy around town with their derrieres exposed in such a provocative manner are aware of the message they are sending the general public?

Low pants originate from the belt-free trend. Because of the risk of self-harm, men in jail must go belt-less and so, consequently, pants droop. It would appear that the low-pant look is all about emulating the ‘prison culture’. Wow. If you love prison culture so much, why don’t you just try the real deal and then see how much you like low pants? I am not sure prison inmates were aware that Calvin Klein has been looking over the barbed wire fence for inspiration for his man fashion.

Why is it that male fashion is inspired by prison pants? I find it somehow surprising that people who are imprisoned are shunned as a menace to society, they find it difficult to get employment and housing, yet what authorities use to protect them from self-harm becomes the height of fashion. It’s akin in its awfulness to that dreadful period in the nineties when the Paris runways featured ‘heroin chic’.

I don’t think misery or suffering is chic. Or poverty. Or sweaty prison bum. I look at the low pants now and shudder, really, what is next? Perhaps the lowering of the pants is an indicator that we are nearing the end of human civilisation. Perhaps the Mayan Calendar is right, except we’re not just out of time, we’re out of clean undies.