Why is there such a hullabaloo about gay marriage? Surely straight people aren’t that bigoted that they can’t see the obvious boon to the institution of marriage that the gay community will give it? Pardon the pun, but the whole marriage thing needs a shot in the bum. Weddings and marriage have become tired. No wonder they never last. Look what the gay community did for Kylie Minogue – they made some average and embarrassing Neighbours dwarf a national icon.

If the gay community manage to do for weddings what they have done for street parades then weddings are about to become dynamic, exciting, incredible events. Not these tedious formulaic function-centre wedding sausages that get pumped out at $50,000 a pop. My god, straight people will be desperate to have gay friends just for the privilege of the invitation!

If Priscilla Queen of the Desert is anything to go by, that wedding dress is going to get a serious makeover. Perhaps the more boganesque bride will come down the aisle in a frock made entirely from white thongs, or the party girl may have a tight-fitting sheath of white-dotted ecstasy tabs, or perhaps the white frock will be the living screen where the couples’ joyous powerpoint moments can be projected for the world to see. Straight people are essentially boring. It’s our default position. The gay community know how to party. They have to. Any group that’s had to suffer oppression and social ridicule knows that it takes more than a few streamers and a box of fairy lights to celebrate the triumph of resilience. I just wish they’d take over Christmas. Weddings are dull. They’re all the same. It’s like watching the same show with a different cast. There comes a point where you want to stand up and say ‘for crying out loud give us a new script!’ The gay community could do this for us. They could help us re-make marriage.

Straight people are so scared of breaking with tradition that we’ve been fronting up to declare our intentions of forever in fluffy white meringues or penguin suits without ever questioning why we are wearing something that’s not only expensive and impractical, it’s also unattractive. Few people ever bother to break with the wedding ritual. The bride’s arrival in a flashy car. The dress. The walk up the aisle. The vows. The I do. The exchanging of rings. The signing of the register. The photos. The unfortunate seating plan. The set dinner. The speeches. The Bridal Waltz. The dancing. The bouquet toss. The Exit. Once we approve gay marriages I have a feeling that it won’t be long before the whole program is given a much needed facelift! I mean why walk down the aisle when you can be delivered on a giant cloud-like chariot that’s held aloft by six gold men in tiny g-strings?

Fundamentalist stalwarts declare that people who love other people of the same gender and want to have their commitment recognised by the institution of marriage can’t do it because the Bible says that marriage is the union of a man and a woman. The Bible also says that it’s easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than it is for a rich man to get into heaven, but that hasn’t caused society to declare wealthy people as depraved soulless ghouls. Leviticus tells us we can’t eat shellfish; in Deuteronomy the focus is on men without dicks: ‘A man whose testicles are crushed or whose penis is cut off may never join the assembly of the Lord’. I never realised that you needed a penis to pray! And according to another verse in Leviticus, some clothing choices can see you ushered out of the house of the lord. ‘You shall not breed together two kinds of your cattle; you shall not sow your field with two kinds of seed, nor wear a garment upon you of two kinds of material mixed together.’ Great, no polyester, that means basically no Christians can go to church ever again.

It seems that some people choose to follow the bits from the bible that suit them and their narrow-minded view of the world. Next time they’re eating prawns in a pair of polyester trousers they should consider the fact that were they to trip and fall ball first into the insinkerator they’re just one scrotum-crushing moment away from marginalisation. For God’s sake, and for all of ours, would you all just say YES to gay marriage so we can all move on?