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January 18, 2022

Here & Now #114 Virtual vortex

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Here & Now 114

S Sorrensen

Byron. Friday, 4.15pm

‘Oh my God! A polar vortex! And it’s coming here!’

‘Polar vortex? Sounds like something a bear would wear.’

‘Yeah, no, it’s a polar vortex, man. Look here on my phone. It’s like cold weather and shit coming from the antarctic.’

‘Is that like winter?’

‘No. Winter is so last century. This is a polar vortex, man. That’s like winter plus a million.’

‘Oh. Is it like the one they had in America a few months ago?’

‘Yeah! The same! Black dudes and shit freezing dead all over the place…’

‘Are we just copying America again? Like junk food, tax cuts and bombing Iraqi children?’

‘No, of course not. I’m not stupid. Our polar vortex comes from the south pole. And bombing children is sometimes necessary. Pre-emptive. Every terrorist starts as a child, you know. Kids are like sleeper cells. In pyjamas.’

‘Oh.’

‘Though it would have been kinder if those kids had been in boats…’

‘Why?’

‘We could have just turned them back.’

‘No – why would they be in boats?’

‘Trying to infiltrate our country.’

‘They weren’t trying to go anywhere.’

‘When they grew up they would have.’

‘Oh.’

‘Look, it says there will be snow and shit in Coffs Harbour.’

‘Really? Who says that?’

‘Reliable sources.’

‘Facebook?’

‘Yeah. This bloke Gary in Coffs Harbour reckons it’s already cold as. Uggies and socks, he says. Imagine that: uggies and socks.’

‘Well, it is winter.’

‘Yes, sure, it’s winter, smart-arse, but this is bigger than winter and shit. 500 likes, he got. That’s huge. They say it’s the coldest snap ever.’

‘Ever?’

‘Yes, ever.’

‘Colder than August 1983?’

‘Sure. That wasn’t a polar vortex. Didn’t even have social media then.’

‘Colder than the Little Ice Age of the Middle Ages?’

‘Um, yeah, guess so.’

‘Colder than the third ice age of the Pleistocene period?’

‘Ha ha. Plasticine period. Very funny. I’m not stupid, man. You’re the one with your eyes shut. Your rock band name is probably Stevie Wonder. You probably think that chemtrails are just water vapour and shit.’

‘No, I don’t think there’s shit involved.’

‘Huh?’

‘Forget it.’

‘All that historical cold stuff was just regular winter. Or an act of God or whatever. They say this is different. It’s a polar vortex. Scary as.’

‘Who says?’

‘They do. People. Scientists and shit.’

‘Like Gary?’

‘Wow. You are desperate, man, having a go at Gary. No, Gary isn’t a scientist. He’s a plumber. But you’ve got to know your science when you’re a plumber. Like gravity and shit. You think water just goes down a plug hole by itself?’

‘Actually…’

‘So there goes your precious solar system, I guess.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘It’ll be too cold for solar. You’re going to have to get an electric heater like everyone else.’

‘I don’t understand…’

‘Try putting wind in your petrol tank, man, and see how far you get.’

‘What?’

‘I’m just saying for someone who doesn’t believe in chemtrails and children and shit, you’re pretty gullible, man. It’s people like you who will die when the polar vortex comes. You’ll have to change your profile pic to, like, an ice cube, man. You’ll freeze to death because your ugly wind farm won’t work in the dark. Your Death Date is probably this weekend.’

‘I really have to go now…’

‘Snow and shit in Coffs Harbour, man!’

‘Oh, before I leave – I heard there’s a epic ebb event coming to Byron.’

‘What? Where did you hear that?’

‘Twitter. 150,000 retweets.’

‘Wow. Sounds awesome, man. What is it?’

‘It’s like a huge tsunami and shit.’

‘Really? To Byron? When?’

‘Soon.’

‘Seriously? Wow… Luckily, they’re building a wall.’


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2 COMMENTS

  1. Clearly you missed “Ice-Age Now, UFOs in the scrub, Wifi kills, and Mind Control with Flouride i watersupply” – but the story is a pleasant start, congrats – more will be appreciated

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