Surely we have reached Peak Boho. Surely this trend that kicked off in 2002 is on its last faded cheesecloth-covered legs. If I see any more pseudo-gypsies in flowing dresses attempting to typify the lifestyle of free spirits and hippies in the 1960s and 70s by dressing up as someone who looks like a free spirit, I’ll scream.
Floaty dresses don’t make you Boho. And what’s with this stupid shortening of the word anyway? Could no-one manage the whole word? Too hard to text? Clearly the word was smashed along with avocado so it fits neatly on Twitter feeds and sprouted bread.
Being a free spirit shouldn’t be a trend. It’s not a look. If you are dressing ‘like’ a Bohemian, there’s a pretty good chance you’re not one. You’re mainstream. When everyone dresses like a Bohemian, no-one actually is a Bohemian. You’re wearing a uniform. And I think you’ll find that being a proper Bohemian goes a little deeper than just a look.
You might have to live in a yurt and eat your own placenta. Maybe you’ll wear ugly sandals made from car tyres. You might need to practise being unconventional, which is basically not dressing the same as all the other Bohemians. This might take some practice. You will have to come up with your own look. So that’s step one. Step two is to make people hate you.
Generally Bohemians were marginalised, so you might want to practise being unpopular. It’s probably easier than you think. Chances are people already find you annoying, so perhaps you could stop showering and seal the deal. Step three is harder. You have to be political. Practise some unorthodox or anti-establishment political views; these can be expressed through things such as free love. So you do get to root around, so that’s a bonus. And those Boho frocks look like they were made for a beach root. The split up the front offers easy access while the skirt protects one’s genitals from filling with sand.
Oh, and I’m sorry, my Boho sisters, but along with reduced personal hygiene, frugality is also key. Which means that you won’t be able to justify big bucks on your Boho threads. I guess you could shoplift. That would be anti-establishment and frugal.
What I am trying to tell you here is that Bohemian isn’t a look. It’s the practice of an unconventional lifestyle. It’s not dress-ups. It seems ludicrous to spend hundreds of dollars on a look that models itself on thrift-store style. Although it seems the Boho clothing trend is self-fulfilling. Expensive gypsy wear starts to look like thrift gypsy as soon as you get it home. And for fuck’s sake, don’t wash it! Within days of purchase the Boho often disintegrates into the BooHoo. That’s princess gypsy tears when the fabric starts to pull apart.
Some of the Boho is so badly made it falls to pieces the minute it makes contact with human flesh. It really looks better in the shop on a hanger. Or on your computer screen. Or on someone in the 60s. Ironically, Boho is made in sweatshops overseas. For some reason floaty Boho Princesses who frequent organic markets with wicker baskets to purchase their home-crafted produce don’t seem to mind the fact their frock was sewn for a couple of bucks in Asia. That’s Boo Hoo for them and Boho for me!
Although I suspect Boho is almost dead. Boho must be on the way out because now Supre has its own Boho line. What’s next? Rockman’s Boxy Boho for the middle-aged vagabond? Dressing like a fashionable urchin in a frock that looks like a tablecloth that fucked Clint Eastwood is surely done! I’ll be delighted to put that trend to bed. (And it won’t be covered in a ‘handcrafted’ patchwork gypsy shawl.)
Goodbye, Boho weddings. That’s when you spend a fortune to have everything a bit dirty, chipped and broken. A bit like your marriage in 20 years. So what’s next in style trending? Boho weddings are so 2016, I predict a move towards the Hobo wedding. It’s so much more affordable. You can have your reception in the park. And it’s BYO!