My place. Thursday, 2pm
Okay, people; a thought experiment: If the Australian government were a person, would you invite that person into your home?
I mean, that person would be powerful, so, if you cultivated a friendly relationship with that person, inviting them into your home and offering, say, tea or money, it could be beneficial to you. You could become rich and righteous.
But I wouldn’t invite that person in. I have standards.
Generally, I’m a very welcoming person when people come to my shack under the cliffs. I’ll invite you in, ask if you’d like a cup of tea… or perhaps you’d prefer a wine? I know it’s early afternoon, but I have a lovely sauvignon blanc, which actually is a daytime wine, right?
Of course, when the Jehovah Witnesses came trudging up my driveway, nervously reassuring themselves that the skull on the rock cairn was that of a large feral cat and not that of a previous missionary, they rejected the wine offer – and the tea – taking only fresh water. I chose to have the wine. (It’s a Christian thing.)
Referring often to their book, they talked about God and his laws, then, referring to their book, I talked about their god and his laws. After a while, rehydrated and rebuffed, they retreated to retail their religion elsewhere. See? I’ll welcome just about anybody into my home.
But, if the Australian government were a person, I wouldn’t let that person in the door. I have standards. In war sarong and with smoking smudge stick, I would patrol my entrance, extending no welcome. Even if the outside world were burning like a coal station, glowing red as Joyce’s face, I would refuse entry, leaving that government to wait indefinitely in the car park, sweating like a refugee.
Okay, so I’m mean. That’s the Aussie way.
If the Australian government were a person, what gender would that person be?
Whatever the gender, the government would not be gay. No way. It’s against God’s law. It’s in the book: ‘If a man seeketh shelter, give him shelter.’ Um, no, not that bit, but somewhere…
The government person would not be female. Women are too caring to send the kiddies to detention centres or war, even if it’s good for votes. Comes from giving birth, I suppose. No, the government person would be a male, wearing a tie, a blue or grey suit and a particularly disingenuous smile.
If the Australian government were a person, what colour would that person be?
White, of course. Australian government has always been white. (Oh, except for the 60,000 years before the first white bloke declared this black land a white land to be ruled by white people with a white god.) Black people make lovely art for the tourists, though. (You can do art in prison.) But let’s face it, the Chinese can make Indigenous art with greater production efficiency and better distrubution.
If the Australian government were a person, it would be a white, hetereosexual male person. But I wouldn’t let him into my shack. I have opened my door to Jehovah Witnesses, chemtrail believers, holy reincarnates, exhausted police, confused drunks and lost Germans in a Kombi; but that government bloke? No way. I have standards.
Imagine if the government came into your house: He’d lock you in the toilet, claim the house as his, steal your valuable irreplacables, pollute your water and bomb your neighbours. Using his serious face, he’d tell you that fossil fuels are the future, climate change is good, freedom encourages terror, America is peaceful, he cares about children and the world is flat.
I wouldn’t let him in my house. I have standards.