Mandy Nolan’s Soapbox: WARNING – CONTAINS COARSE LANGUAGE

The other day my 8-year-old said that I swear too much. I was fucking shocked. I said ‘Really? What about your friends’ mums – do they swear?’ She said ‘No’. I responded in the only way a responsible mum of five can. ‘Get Fucked? Not at all? Shit.’ Ivy just shook her head.

Kids these days are so conservative. You think she’d be proud that I not only swear – I get paid to swear. So for me it’s not cussing, it’s working. There is this belief that people who swear are less intelligent. Only people who don’t swear say that. They think that you swear because you have a poor vocabulary and you can’t express yourself properly. According to science, that is total bullshit. That’s not how they said it but it’s the conclusion they reached after studying swearing. Okay, you prune-faced judgmental sugar-tongued bitches, let me hit you with this. Studies have shown that swearing may in fact display more rather than less intelligent use of language!

We swear in different contexts. We can swear to make people laugh, to upset people, to convey emotion. We swear when we are frustrated. We swear when we are angry. When we are excited. We swear when we are happy. When we win lotto. When we run over the dog. When we forget an important meeting. When we drive through a speed camera 20km over. When we get pulled over for drunk driving. We swear when we are stressed. There is nothing more stress relieving than a good swear. I mean how can you actually drive around here without swearing? If I didn’t say ‘fucking Queenslanders’ about every five minutes I’d have a stroke.

Swearing helps me through the day. When I am exasperated there is nothing better than letting rip with a little For Fuck’s Sake. Or for the more delicate out there – FFS. I have never seen the problem with swearing. As a comedian I can use two gears: swearing or not swearing. Swearing is ALWAYS funnier. Not because swearing is funny but because the emotion behind the language is always perfectly pitched. So I thought I’d check my verbal fluency when it comes to swearing. It’s about how many swear words you can think of in a minute. It’s called Swearing Fluency. You might want to test yourself in case you’re a fucking idiot.

Imagine trying to improve your kids’ IQ by getting them to swear more. Come on, Ivy, you have five minutes of swearing before bedtime. Call Mummy a bitch. I was actually tempted when working with children recently to intervene in an altercation when it became physical with the statement ‘Okay, kids, we don’t use hands. Use your words. Don’t hit him, call him a cunt.’

So here’s my minute. Ready, Go. Cock dick fucktard bloody bastard arsehole prick knob pussyarse dickhead fuckknuckle wanker bugger bitch cockhead buttcrack son of a bitch piss off fuck off fuck you fuck up get fucked fuck yourself fuck it fuck them twat crap holy shit motherfucker damn shit ass jesus wept goddamn cunt.

Turns out I’m a genius. According to scientists or, as I like to call them, fucking smart cunts, swearing appears to be a feature of language that an articulate speaker can use to communicate with maximum effectiveness. They are even saying that swearing can be used as natural pain relief. They asked a bunch of volunteers to hold their hands in iced water for as long as they could while repeating a swear word. The same set of participants did the same test but used a neutral non-swear word. Those who swore could withstand the pain of the ice-cold water for longer and rated it as less painful. This is revolutionary. You could do away with pain medication and just administer swear words. Got a headache? Just say Fuck twice and if pain persists see your doctor. And if you can’t get an appointment when you need it then tell him to go fuck himself. Wow, headache gone! Fuck Yeah!

The science of swearing ? Who the Hell is funding this shit?