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August 2, 2021

The Xmas download by Women Like Us

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What is your favourite thing about Xmas?
E: Probably the food. If it’s Xmas time, whatever you eat doesn’t go towards your Weight Watchers points – it’s all free!
M: Working really hard and not getting appreciated.

Favourite Xmas song?
E: Anything by Michael Buble of course. He is the king of Xmas, but I also love Paul Kelly’s  How To Make Gravy.  I sob every time I hear it and that makes me happy.
M: I can never go past Jingle Bell Rock.

Decorate or not decorate?
E: Decorate like your life depends on it. The cheaper and daggier the better. My aim is to have my house look like the interior of a department store.
M: Oh, if I have to. I’m only going to have to pack it away in a few weeks.

Tell me what your table is going to look like.
E: Lots of decorations taking up space that annoy people but are 100 per cent necessary and lots of bon-bons. Everything is Xmas themed, even my salt and pepper shakers are little fat santas.
M: Four legs and a top.

Any plans for dressing the dog?
E: I had big plans, and got an outfit that was a coat with a little monkey on the back so it looks like it’s riding the dog, but the dog is too big and it doesn’t fit. My backup plan is a bow-tie. He will look dapper.
M: Do you mean like a salad?

What do you like to cook for lunch – are you traditional, or do you like the prawn approach?
E: I like a bit of both – but someone has to peel the prawns for me. I’m a princess.
M: I hate traditional Xmas lunch. It reminds me of when I choked on the coin in the pudding.

What annoys you about Xmas?
E: When people won’t put the paper hat out of the bon-bon on. It ruins the whole day. Just put the fucken hat on.
M: When people make me put the fucking hat out of the bon-bon on.

What will you be wearing?
E: A frock and a paper hat.
M: Nothing. If I’m nude no-one stays long.

Worst Xmas ever?
E: I don’t think I’ve had a really bad one. I just turn on Michael Buble and all my worries disappear.
M: When the partner I had at the time had a huge blast of heroin and then nodded off in the Xmas turkey. I told my parents that he was tired.

Best Xmas ever?
E: Can’t pinpoint one, but the ideal one starts with breakfast and present opening, the dog ripping up paper, carols playing and then goes onto lunch, and of course some backyard cricket tops off the day.
M: When we gave the kids really shit presents and we gave Rachel a plastic phone in an iPhone case and she got really excited and then realised we’d tricked her. Fuck, that was funny.

Your idea of Xmas heaven?
E: I would love to be at Jamie Oliver’s house with Mariah Carey as a guest. The food would be great and Mariah would get smashed and sing cheesy carols all day.
M: Swanky 5-star hotel. Snow. Foot massage. Champagne. Then I can’t tell you what happens next but let’s just say it’s not a chimney Santa comes down next.

What you will be doing this year?
E: Breakfast at home, then visiting family whom we haven’t seen for some time, and sleeping in a tent. That will ruin the day but if I don’t go to bed until late, the day won’t be ruined until late.
M: We’re at home. Alone. None of our family likes us anymore.

Your Xmas message?
E: Don’t worry about receiving shit gifts. Hold onto that bitterness, re-gift the shit gift to someone else, and remember who gave it to you and repay them next year. And drink heaps. Merry Christmas, everyone.
M: Unpack the fucking dishwasher.

Ellen Briggs and Mandy Nolan perform Women Like Us at the Ballina RSL on Thursday 21 December. Tix are $30 at the club or online at ballinarsl.com.au. Show starts at 8pm.

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