After much contemplation I’ve come up with a solution for this tricky social conundrum that affects personal mores and the public conscience and has resulted in police taking to the beach in Landrovers to hunt down those hideously offensive nudies daring to swim on a deserted beach in their birthday suits.
Personally I would have thought driving on the beach had more of an impact on the environment than a couple of oldies getting their gear off for a daily dip, but what do I know?
The authorities have decreed that nudity is so shockingly offensive that council rangers and police have been on the beach buff hunting. Forget break and enter. Forget the ice epidemic. Forget drunken brawls. Forget domestic violence. Forget paedophilia. Forget attending roadside traffic accidents. People ARE SWIMMING IN THE NUDE!
It’s the end of society as we know it! Except for the Greeks of course, who started society in the nude, pioneering some pretty impressive nudie Olympics.
But let’s not get sidetracked. There is some serious shit happening in our neighbourhood that we need to deal with. Forget affordable housing, West Byron and homelessness. PEOPLE ARE SWIMMING IN THE NUDE. Is there no greater terror than that? Real-life unphotoshopped bodies, saggy scrotums, flopping tits, being flaunted on vast stretches of deserted beaches.
This nudity thing has been seen as the cause of the spate of public-beach wanking and thus, in order to stamp out the predators, we have come down hard but not on those people coming hard but on the people swimming nude. (Gosh, isn’t that like arresting a girl in the street in a short skirt because men might rape her?)
I would have thought that we should be targeting the people with the cocks in their hands wanking, not the nude bathers, but I clearly I’m still not on board with the whole Blame the Victim philosophy, but I’m trying. So as far as I can see it’s a big NO to nudism. (We’re all still okay with pornography on our phones and internet though, so don’t panic. It’s just ‘normal’ nudity that we’re stamping out. Sexualised nudity can stay. Sexy schoolgirl, anal thrills and Face Rape sites are still accessible.)
So here’s the New NO Nude solution: What we need is a complete ban on ALL offensive non-sexual nudity. NORMAL NUDITY has to be stopped. Unless you’re selling cars, or jeans, or bending over to receive a pounding, then NUDITY is no longer okay.
We have to stamp normal healthy non-sexualised nudity where it starts. At birth. It’s disgusting. Babies born naked will be issued with on-the-spot fines by council rangers who will be waiting at birth centres and driving through delivery wards. Babies will be expected to arrive with genitals covered by a nappy at the very least and labouring mothers will now be expected to wear pants.
This penchant for gratutious and unnatural normal nudity starts right here, and our local authorites will bring a stop to it. If you are going to shoot a birth video, you better make sure you get ‘titted off’ during second stage.
The next area of offensive nudity is showering and bathing. Sure you are at home, but you’ve got windows. What if someone hides in your garden and looks in and your naked body forces them to masturbate? Council will be visiting daily to ensure that you shower clothed.
And sleeping nude has to stop. Last year Byron Council gave us compost bins. This year they’ll be issuing regulation onesies to ensure we keep ourselves covered. NORMAL NUDITY is WRONG. That is the message we need to send our next generations. NO-ONE should grow up knowing what people ACTUALLY look like.
These people are animals. Human animals. And while I’m on the subject of animals: Can we please get dogs to wear pants? If I have to see one more lipstick penis poking out while I’m trying to sip my latte I’ll lose it. Or start wanking. If I do, you can blame the dog.