Mandy Nolans Soap Box: Brave Nude World


After much contemplation I’ve come up with a solution for this tricky social conundrum that affects personal mores and the public conscience and has resulted in police taking to the beach in Landrovers to hunt down those hideously offensive nudies daring to swim on a deserted beach in their birthday suits.

Personally I would have thought driving on the beach had more of an impact on the environment than a couple of oldies getting their gear off for a daily dip, but what do I know?

The authorities have decreed that nudity is so shockingly offensive that council rangers and police have been on the beach buff hunting. Forget break and enter. Forget the ice epidemic. Forget drunken brawls. Forget domestic violence. Forget paedophilia. Forget attending roadside traffic accidents. People ARE SWIMMING IN THE NUDE!

It’s the end of society as we know it! Except for the Greeks of course, who started society in the nude, pioneering some pretty impressive nudie Olympics.

But let’s not get sidetracked. There is some serious shit happening in our neighbourhood that we need to deal with. Forget affordable housing, West Byron and homelessness. PEOPLE ARE SWIMMING IN THE NUDE. Is there no greater terror than that? Real-life unphotoshopped bodies, saggy scrotums, flopping tits, being flaunted on vast stretches of deserted beaches.

This nudity thing has been seen as the cause of the spate of public-beach wanking and thus, in order to stamp out the predators, we have come down hard but not on those people coming hard but on the people swimming nude. (Gosh, isn’t that like arresting a girl in the street in a short skirt because men might rape her?)

I would have thought that we should be targeting the people with the cocks in their hands wanking, not the nude bathers, but I clearly I’m still not on board with the whole Blame the Victim philosophy, but I’m trying. So as far as I can see it’s a big NO to nudism. (We’re all still okay with pornography on our phones and internet though, so don’t panic. It’s just ‘normal’ nudity that we’re stamping out. Sexualised nudity can stay. Sexy schoolgirl, anal thrills and Face Rape sites are still accessible.)

So here’s the New NO Nude solution: What we need is a complete ban on ALL offensive non-sexual nudity. NORMAL NUDITY has to be stopped. Unless you’re selling cars, or jeans, or bending over to receive a pounding, then NUDITY is no longer okay.

We have to stamp normal healthy non-sexualised nudity where it starts. At birth. It’s disgusting. Babies born naked will be issued with on-the-spot fines by council rangers who will be waiting at birth centres and driving through delivery wards. Babies will be expected to arrive with genitals covered by a nappy at the very least and labouring mothers will now be expected to wear pants.

This penchant for gratutious and unnatural normal nudity starts right here, and our local authorites will bring a stop to it. If you are going to shoot a birth video, you better make sure you get ‘titted off’ during second stage.

The next area of offensive nudity is showering and bathing. Sure you are at home, but you’ve got windows. What if someone hides in your garden and looks in and your naked body forces them to masturbate? Council will be visiting daily to ensure that you shower clothed.

And sleeping nude has to stop. Last year Byron Council gave us compost bins. This year they’ll be issuing regulation onesies to ensure we keep ourselves covered. NORMAL NUDITY is WRONG. That is the message we need to send our next generations. NO-ONE should grow up knowing what people ACTUALLY look like.

These people are animals. Human animals. And while I’m on the subject of animals: Can we please get dogs to wear pants? If I have to see one more lipstick penis poking out while I’m trying to sip my latte I’ll lose it. Or start wanking. If I do, you can blame the dog.

12 responses to “Mandy Nolans Soap Box: Brave Nude World”

  1. steve griffiths says:

    Mandy Nolan, you are a national treasure! This one had me roaring with laughter.

  2. Byron Naturists says:

    Good on you Mandy. Yes still smiling.
    We hope to see you at WNBR Byron Bay next month.
    Which is by the way, Ride Event Approved by Byron Council and Police for which we are very thankful.

  3. I suggest we all get skin colored minimalistic bathing suits and paint lewd looking vegetables on them, so that from a distance, through police binoculars we look naked. We can then take turns dancing down the beaches and film the resulting conversations with the cops when they arrive, to make hysterical viral videos for Youtube.

    • J Gordon says:

      You’re exactly right. It’s quite logical that flesh coloured micro thin material is perfectly legal as it should be. It has no detrimental effect on anyone. Since skin looks identical to it then logic should prevail that skin in all it’s forms should be just as legal as it is just as innocuous. … But alas, our society is filled with the leftovers of those offended by what their parents and their parents before them told them is sinful. Logic plays no part in the beliefs of so many.

      These same ‘champions of morality’ are often in the minority but make the most noise. In a true democracy it is the majority that should rule. It’s true that way back in history to the 1950’s and back, that the majority truely believed in ‘sin’ as taught to them by parents, church and state. Society has evolved so rapidly since then and so should our laws reflect an enlightened populace. Our laws need a modern overhaul.

      Wearing clothing to swim on any beach makes no sense. Why get your clothes wet?
      Wearing clothing in our Aussie summer climate makes no sense. Why put clothes on and sweat?

  4. Greg Williams says:

    Yep, Mandy: the solution to stop the scourge of ice; prevent break-and-enters dead in their tracks; completely prevent all drunken brawls; wipe out all paedophilia (world-wide, perhaps?); and how to have an army of police on standby to attend every roadside traffic accident is to . . . . . . . . . . call off the occasional police patrol looking for people flapping their wobbly bits, uninvited.

    A sadly, oft-used argument by those picked up by the cops for speeding, or being a pain in the butt in public, etc, because they don’t want to comply with the local norms / laws of the day.

    Cops are there to enforce the law. If somebody complains the law is broken, are you suggesting their response should be “Just a sec – we need to check with Mandy as to whether she thinks this is a good law or a bad one!”

    Definitely a matter of principle, here. Perhaps you should drop your gear and protest outside the nearest Police Station. But perhaps more effectively outside your local Pollie’s Electorate Office (stlll in the buff, just for the hell of it.)

  5. Selene Richards says:

    Mandy there seems a contradiction in your support for the VDay action for violence against women and your ridicule of the efforts Byron Council and Police are making to make our beaches safe from sex pests. Designating clothes optional and non clothes optional areas and policing them is a sensible way to achieve safety and allow women to be free of intimidation, humiliation and violence..

  6. Ross Tester says:

    Selene Richards, you absolutely, 100% missed the point of Mandy’s enlightening, entertaining article.
    She’s right – but according to you it always comes back to women and violence.
    True nudists do not intimidate, humiliate or promote/practise violence. You should try it some time and feel the freedom all nudists will tell you they experience.
    And even when you get designated clothes optional beaches, some moralistic, do-gooder councillor makes it his/her life’s work to have that authorisation removed.
    And to finish, Greg Williams – your comments are beneath contempt so there’s no point in responding to them.

    • Greg Williams says:

      Ross, old mate, it is you who has missed Selene Richards’ point.
      She’s not saying true nudists are the problem: I think you’ll find she is trying to make the point that “true nudists” are not the issue, but rather the pervs that those sites can (and often do) attract.

      And insofar as your “And even when you get designated clothes optional beaches, some moralistic, do-gooder councillor makes it his/her life’s work to have that authorisation removed” is something of a sweeping generalisation. For instance, perhaps you could check out Obelisk Beach on the shores of Sydney Harbour. It has been quietly thriving for at least 50 years,

      Also, for future reference: the general rule of rational debate is to counter considered, expressed opinion with logical, rational responses. Your response to my earlier comment seems to be on a par with you covering your ears whilst yelling “la, la, la, la”.

  7. Tuatha says:

    We don’t have to imagine “.. arresting a girl in the street in a short skirt because men might rape her?” because that is precisely the logic that applies to hundreds of millions of women the world over.
    Could this be, coff…coff.., 1st World Whinging?
    The more police we have, the more offences they need to find to justify their employed existence and, having produced crimes, this is proof of the need for more police.
    Assist the Police, Beat Yourself Up!

  8. humanist says:

    Allow nudity everywhere. On another note, I don’t understand why you need to denigrate masturbation so much, guess what, everybody is doing it including woman, and who has never looked (perved) at another human with sexual desire? Masturbation and violence are two totally separate things so let’s not conflate the two, masturbation doesn’t hurt anyone, violence does. Masturbation and perving do not lead to sexual assault any more than wearing a short skirt does. There’s nothing more universal, natural and fundamental to humanity than sexual behaviour so let’s stop hiding and demonising it. What about the kids you ask – wouldn’t you rather they learn from seeing sexual behaviour done for pleasure rather than money?

    • JT says:

      “humanist,” You give yourself away as being part of the problem. Sure, masturbation is normal, but not at a public beach (clothed or not) and certainly not in front of children! It would be funny, if it weren’t so sad and disturbing, how you perverts attempt to legitimize your behavior with nonsensical statements like “better they see it when its not done for money.” Nobody but a consenting adult partner in your home should see what you people are doing. Your concern for children comes off as a pathetic excuse for your real goal: To selfishly gratify yourself wherever you want, never mind the consequences to everyone else’s ability to enjoy the beach. I hope you get the chance to pleasure yourself in a jail cell soon.

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