Alternative Prime Minister is a new Slightly-Drunk-Ted-Talk, from Mark Swivel, Accredited Near Dead White Male.TM As our indifference turns to anger, Mark hits the hustings to kiss babies and sizzle sausages. Expect banter, singing, fiscal rectitude – fully costed silly-buggers that strays dangerously close to common sense! Mark Swivel revealed some of the secrets of our successful political wannabe figureheads.
Why kiss babies?
It’s a cleanse. Politicians kiss so much arse, babies make a nice, clean change. Most of them.
What’s with the hi-vis vests?
They’re smokin’ hot. And… reusable for lollipop duty or roadworks when you lose your seat.
What do prime ministers do to relax?
Tobogganing down the grass over the top of Parliament House and racing shopping trollies round the War Memorial at night. Especially Christopher Pyne and Tania Plibersek. They’re great fun.
What are the three qualities a prime minister should have?
A good singing voice. A strong backhand (one handed). A killer recipe for a whiskey sour.
Shrillness. Pedantry. Duplicity. (Got a bit sincere there!)
If you could Frankenstein a new prime minister from the bodies and minds of our previous PMs, what would you create?
A Curtin-Gillard-Gough monster of compassion, decency and vision.
What happened to Harold Holt?
He became a Buddha of the sea and walks the ocean floor as a mendicant snorkeler-philosopher-poet to this very day. Big lungs.
Why didn’t it happen to John Howard? Or Malcolm Turnbull?
Dunno. Just trying to find someone who cares.
What happens to prime ministers? In opposition so full of promise, in leadership so dull and disappointing?
Um. When was an opposition leader full of promise? Maybe Rudd – who was disappointing but not dull. Abbott was never promising, more dread inducing. Our politics are broken because it talks at people, not about them. (Apologies: more sincerity.)
What drives a man or woman to want to be PM? What hits your P-spot?
Delusion. I don’t have a P-spot. The one thing that makes me a likely fake candidate is that I’m completely unfit for office, and voters might relate to that.
Why does being a politician make people look so old? Or weirdly like adult babies? Parliament question time does look a bit like a creche after someone has served too much sugar.
Pretending to be responsible is exhausting. Yes, we do look like toddlers. Parliament would be much better if we had ‘shoes and socks off time’ after little lunch.
How can we vote for you?
Come to a show. Support my run for the senate. If weird David Leyonhjelm can get elected, why not me?! Why not literally anyone?! Like who the hell is that guy?!
Lismore City Hall on Friday 16 Feb | Mullumbimby Ex-Services on Friday 23 Feb |7.30pm | For tix go to www.swiv.com.au