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Mandy Nolans Soapbox: Domination

Mandy Nolans Soapbox: Domination

I’ve been a feminist since I was 17.

When people asked me what it meant and why I was a feminist I told them that I believed women needed to be equal to men. I told them that we lived in a patriarchal society where who we were was defined by what we were not: namely, we were not men. I told them that I was a feminist because I believed women should be paid the same wage for the same job as men. That women needed to be represented 50/50 across the board in occupations and public office from truck drivers to politicians, from doctors to council workers.

Women needed to have their unpaid work in the home valued. They needed to be free of objectification, from sexual assault, from rape and from murder. This was why I was a feminist: because I believed in equality.

Now at 50 I realise how wrong I was. I am no longer interested in equality. Fuck that. I want world domination. It’s only fair. If we got a crack at ruling the world for the next decade then it might do something to ‘equal’ the scales when it comes to enjoying the privilege of being dominant culture. We might even repair some of the patriarchal potholes of climate change, child sexual abuse, sex slavery, environmental degradation…

Let’s face it: men have been enjoying the fruits of patriarchy for hundreds if not thousands of years. The simple feminist request for gender equality really sells us short of what we need to happen to create a level playing field. So this is how it is going to play out.

Patriarchy is going to finish. Come 1 July we’ll be rolling out the Matriarchy. You will start by taking your mother’s moniker as your surname. When heterosexuals marry HE will take his wife’s name. When you have kids HE’LL stay home and look after them. And when he’s ready he’ll go back 2–3 days a week.

I mean, he doesn’t want to be judged at Dad’s Group as a bad dad. Plus dads will be running the canteen at the local school and he’ll need to be on the roster. At school pickup time there will be a gaggle of men waiting in activewear complaining that they hoped to get after-school activities done in time so they could bring the washing in so it didn’t damp off. When he’s driving the kids to ballet he won’t even notice the billboards that show a man in skimpy underwear.

All the men have wings. These are Victor’s Secret Models. They sell jocks. When you are at the airport you can watch the instore video of fashion parades of amazing looking men parading in just undies. You’ll see women looking at it and feel annoyed because you know they’re not interested in looking at the undies – they are looking at the hot buff bodies of these men. Dirty old women objectifying men. Men with bodies that you will never have because those men don’t have kids, and washing to fold, and dinner to get and a job with no real career advancement prospects.

Those men probably have wild orgasmic sex. Not the quiet tired coupling you have as she writhes on you until she comes, and then rolls over and goes to sleep. You text through for your next botox and full back, sack and crack wax appointment. You’re toying up whether to join the new trend and get those stick on eyelashes all the other blokes have. Can you afford the downtime? The fortnightly nail infill and spray tan already take up the half day you should have been working.

You stop in at the doctors. You don’t want any more kids and your contraception needs a top up. You think how good it would be if she took responsibility. But no-one has invented anything for women. So once every few months you get an injection to stop your fertility. It works but it makes you fat and angry and sometimes a bit sadder than you would be without it.

But you don’t want any more kids. The last one wasn’t planned and came along just when you were about to go back to uni to finish your degree. Back to the uni you left after the incident with the lecturer who used to run her hands across your shoulders in tutorial. The lecturer who pulled you into her office and one time pushed your head into her crotch so you could go down on her. You were too embarrassed to make a complaint because you worried no-one would believe you so you dropped out, got a job moved in with Caroline and eventually married and had kids.

You’re waiting for the doctor, flicking through the magazines. They have pictures of happy middle-aged men holding cakes they’ve just made. Men talking in confidence about their testicular cancer journey. Another boasts an ad about a masculine hygiene wash designed especially for the pH needs of super-sensitive scrotums. Tabloids tell stories of men who are too fat or too thin. Men who’ve lost 10 kilos in just two weeks. Famous gorgeous men frolicking in the surf with their new lovers.

You wonder what if feels like to be a man like that. You wonder if their wife gets drunk and calls them ‘useless’ or ‘fat’. You wonder if their wife has pushed them against the wall and held them by the throat. You wonder if they have lain in bed weeping, not knowing where to go, how to change. If you can take the kids and leave and go some place safe or if she really will change like she says she will.

‘Mr Nolan?’ It’s a woman doctor. You never feel comfortable with a woman. It’s not them as individuals, it’s the history of how women have treated you.

Is this making you feel uncomfortable? Welcome to OUR world. This is how we live. Enjoy the Matriarchy. Let’s see how long it takes you to demand the equality that we’ve so long been denied.


17 responses to “Mandy Nolans Soapbox: Domination”

  1. Jimbo J says:

    To believe that women must be equal to men when women are as a fact equal to me, means there is an inferiority complex of the female or a superiority complex in an outwards view towards the male.

    • Really? you believe we are equal? Sorry Jimbo but the stats on women in the workforce, rates of poverty, rates of pay – to name just a few – do not support your belief. As for violence against women, as someone (I think it was Annabelle Crabbe) said “If as many men died of shark attacks as women die at the hands of men, they’d drain the oceans.”. You may feel that you are equal to women and that is laudable but the question is do women feel the same way? We don’t.

      • I’m often surprised by the ‘equality’ thing,
        I mean who is equal to whom. No-one.
        Equality of opportunity is a good thing. But how does that work. We are still ‘different’ we still have different skill sets or very few against many.
        No ‘man’ is equal to another. No women is equal to another. And clearly women are not ‘equal’ to men.
        Does that make one gender better than the other?
        In our capitalist system … our economy based system it is all valued on money.
        If you have a lot of it you are more ‘equal’ than another with less of it. In a purely ‘material’ sense.
        You can have expensive things and that makes you ‘more equal’. To others who respect your money and equally resent it.
        Nothing to do with your set of ‘values’. As it once was. You can be a liar and a cheat a thief even. And you will not be treated as badly as a homeless, honest, caring, sincere person.

        Deceitful people now seem to be in control even rising to the status of president.

        Woman once revered and admired for their humility their sincerity their loyalty their compassion their honesty They are now determined to be like those who desire wealth and power’at any cost’.
        That ‘cost’ it seems is honesty. The truth is the first casualty of wealth and power.
        Simply blaming those who have it (the nasty Patriarch’s) is a simplistic approach in my opinion. They don’t have it, as a result of others not having it. It is way more complex than that.

  2. Jacster says:

    All Hail Queen Mandy – may your reign be long and prosperous.

    • serena ballerina says:

      Amen to that!
      A great role reversal piece….especially loved the the back, sack & crack wax, lol, lol!!!
      Salutations, Your Highness, Supreme Leader!

  3. Awesome column Mandy – my life in the gender opposite (not all of if!). I’m giving it to my teenage sons to read as soon as they get home from school – before I give them the home-baked biscuits. 😉

  4. Trina says:

    Can I be you’re right hand woman? And may we rule supreme!!

  5. Flo Fenton says:

    A great wake up article for both men and women. I myself have never personally felt held back… but there is no denying that massive inequality exists in terms of pay, opportunities, safety and freedom. So many women have lived and do live the life potrayed in this fictional column…and not one man. Male privelege is real, and hige.

  6. Geoff says:

    Joking aside, I think it’s really not a bad idea, this world you have painted.
    As a male, I’ll be the first to stand up and say that we have pretty much effed everything up.
    We’ve crafted a gender dictatorship so successful that some victims don’t even know how oppressed they are!
    Bring it on – I have no doubt that women running things will do a better job than men.
    But there’s one point that I strongly disagree on: trust me, you don’t want to see me in activewear!
    G

    • …we have pretty much effed everything up…( Geoff)…
      Interesting comment to include yourself amongst the ignorant rulers and business executives. Personally I don’t own their behaviour. Nor ever will take responsibility for it. Being a male doesn’t tie me to all male humans, well I hope not how embarrassing. However having said that in terms of group consciousness it does, as it also does with all humans, male and female.
      The human condition and the legacy of that is not bound to one gender or race. To believe so is a folly an extreme folly.
      For us all to accept that our ancestors have messed up is necessary. To do nothing about our individual lives is just ‘business as usual’ the mess will continue.
      What are all those who are finding fault doing about their own lives?
      Are you still poisoning it with drugs and alcohol junk food and an unhealthy lifestyle avoiding exercise always angry blaming everyone for your problems.
      One could credibly argue that the level of human ‘group consciousness’ determines the state of the world. Like a forrest is greener when ‘all’ the trees are green. Or brown and they are about to die.

      Be the change you want.
      Or at least stop being a hypocrite and winging about something you are not prepared to help fix in a positive way.

  7. robot says:

    For once a statement of humour and truth. But some our mothers well ahead when the last world war waged, they had the taste of financial independance that made the 70s revolution possible. I like the humour in this piece but notice it revolves mainly around married life. Singles on the other hand are afraid to say hello, it might be taken out of context. Cheers.

  8. James Robinson-Gale says:

    Great news, men might start living as long as women if they don’t have to do all the shitty dangerous jobs.

    • ‘Men might start living as long as women….
      Well said James…
      I might add that they might stop killing themselves if the unrelenting demonisation ended. Maybe the media could stop … that would help.

  9. billzee says:

    Mandy seems so full of hatred for men I fear she may burst. The “comedy” is but a thin veil.

    Imagine if The Echo published a weekly column by a man regularly denigrating women!

    • Good on ya billzee..
      Me thinks so.

      You know in my mothers and grandmothers day woman who stayed at home really worked hard for their family. Hand washing into concrete tubs, wringing out by hand, splitting the firewood to light the copper and the wood cooking stove. Often in the rain. Milking the cows by hand. Bearing and raising children with no modern conveniences.
      They worked in a team with the family… kids working as soon as they could carry a bucket of milk doing a good percentage of the house and garden/farm work
      Over time with all the modern home appliances, being a parent and looking after ones offspring is a doddle in comparison to fifty years ago.
      Feminism has done a lot for the woman who were exploited in workhouses in the cities.
      But seriously as a tradesman working in others homes I have seen first hand how the average marriage operates … who is in charge of the house and the children. After twenty odd years as a tradie in suburban homes for sometimes weeks at a time (bathroom renovations) I think I’m a good judge of the hierarchal structure there. Well I see who calls the shots… who makes the decisions tile colour, bathroom layout, choice of tap ware vanity, bath etc. and it is very rarely the male and when it is he is often vetoed.
      Males in my experience (which is extensive) in their home are very much not a patriarch. Woman definitely rule their homes; they make the decisions and when they don’t they don’t they react.
      Just saying.

      • Carolyn Hawkins says:

        How many houses have you been in where the man rules with his fists? Or his words? Probably more than you realise. Picking tiles? FFS. This does not show domination.

  10. I’ve yet to meet that poor downtrodden bare footed kitchen bound slave we hear so much about. And you would expect me to have, given my previously mentioned occupation.
    However I have been that hen pecked husband constantly criticised from not washing the dishes correctly to making a noise when eating i.e. chewing. A daily ritual of abuse for several years. My self esteem shredded my confidence destroyed. Why did I stay in such a hell… Well when you have no self esteem you start to believe the criticism that you are ‘hopeless’. And in fact you become hopeless. Hopeless people don’t make smart decisions.
    Eventually though I did leave after several earlier attempts. Suicide was one option I considered. Thankfully only briefly.

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