Interview with alternative PM: Mark Swivel

Mark Swivel: Make Austraya Slightly Better than Average Again

Catch Mark Swivel at the Mullumbimby Drill Hall Friday, 7.30pm and Sunday 5pm

Alternative Prime Minister Mark Swivel’s national campaign to get elected got off to a cracking start this week with the top job up for grabs in a late-night Liberal Party game of drawing straws. Mark is doing his show and ACTUALLY running for the senate. This is an innovative and irreverent approach that shows integrity, political acumen and show tunes CAN be bed partners! In his effort to Make Austraya Slightly Better Than Average Again, Mark Swivel gave us the lowdown.

Give me three words that you’d use to describe Scott Morrison? He’s a Dill. Dangerous. Ignorant. Lucky.

What kind of prime minister do you think he’ll be. What do you think he’ll manage to achieve in his first week?

Surprisingly good by the sad standards of Australian government. In week 1 he’ll finish the pagoda and beat his mum at Scrabble (they’re off for a fortnight).

Malcolm Turnbull took credit for gay marriage. What else can he take credit for? And Scotty Mo voted NO. Doesn’t that make him a loser in the public court of opinion?

Turnbull can take credit for wasting the greatest opportunity of his life. The natural PM of his generation blew it. On marriage equality Mal allowed a plebiscite, which epitomised his gutlessness. At the end he said he never gave in to bullies but he’d done that since day one.

ScoMo is a loser in the court of public opinion but by a smaller majority than you’d think.

Scott Morrision is old and balding. Why is this a prerequisite for power? Why can’t we be like NZ and Canada and have a ‘hot’ PM? Or if not hot, how about ethical, smart, and someone we can be proud of?

We send our spunks to Hollywood. It’s a condition of the gift of Pine Gap. Hey, how does anyone breathe let alone live and eat properly working in our political parties? That Morrison is alive is amazing. Give the prick a break, Mandy!

Scott Morrison is an evangelical Christian, and he took credit for ‘stopping the boats’. Is it possible to do both?

Yeah, ‘cos most evangelical Christians have two core beliefs: property and its protection at any cost.

What is wrong with our political system? Will we ever escape this diabolical two-party system where we the voters just sit back and watch people play ‘who can get the biggest pension’ on retirement? It feels more like careerism than governance…

We the people don’t participate enough. We’ve trusted the political class way too long. Noticed that? A change has gotta come and it will come from people outside the current system and parties.

Can Mark Swivel really become PM? How the hell could that ever happen? What would your Australia look like… what would you do with Scotty and Mal and Julie and Bill…

It’s as likely as finding life on Pluto. But no-one at Sydney High whose classrooms I shared with ScoMo – I was in his older brother’s year – picked him as a likely PM. If I were unkind I’d call him a talentless trier but let’s face it, that works in many walks of Austrayan life. Let’s face it, Mandy, you’d make a better PM than ScoMo. To begin with you know more about economics than he and he’s been treasurer for three years.

We would need a revolution for me to be PM. I’d govern based on building our common wealth; all the stuff we share. Government is boring, Mandy. Hard work and dull.

I would get Bill, Julie, Scott and Mal to apply for jobs in Tasmania and see how they go. And Eric Abetz. It’d make great telly.

So you are really running? Tell us about that…

Yeah. We need senators more like us. Less like Anning, Hanson and especially Leyonhelm. When Mark Latham threatened to run again saying he’d save us from ‘political correctness, identity politics and anti-white racism’, I thought, ‘jeez I’m busy but I better have a crack’.

… and the show?

Expect songs, funnies, hula hoops. Answers to the questions like: What is politics about and what is class warfare, really? There’s also a sealed section with serious policies in it. Everyone gets to take them home written on a piece of foolscap. Old school. It’s lovely. Trust me.


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