Good riddance Turnbull, a PM of massive wealth and ego who left office without much record of accomplishment.
Remember when the Libs scoffed as Labor tore itself apart and then Abbott led us nowhere from 2013?
By comparison, the excretion of Malcolm from deep within the Liberal colon was more spectacular and even dumber. This means Labor will be a shoe-in at the next election, right?
Perhaps. Labor’s leader Bill Shorten consistently polls well below a chicken parmigiana as preferred PM. You would think he would have been replaced by now to ensure a solid victory.
Clearly Penny Wong, Tanya Plibersek or even Anthony Albanese would be more appealing than a man who oversaw the knifing of two Labor PMs?
Wrong. Former PM Rudd changed Labor’s rules so it’s now almost impossible to roll their leader. Not so for the Libs, who will probably flail around like a headless chook until the main perpetrator of this chaos – Abbott – is voted out.
And while this rabble of self-serving Liberal zombies is not exactly the lineup Alan Jones wanted, it’s close enough to being hopefully the last of its type in modern history. Or is it? Here are a few profiles of the new cabinet.
God botherer PM
Prime minister Scott Morrison is widely misunderstood as being a Christian, or a person who follows the teachings of Jesus Christ.
While happily clapping in his Sydney mega-rich cheesy church stadium, the planet’s poorest and most wretched languish – and die – in offshore concentration camps he helped to expand. With bipartisan Labor support, these desolate hellscape torture islands are run by evilgovcorp and paid for by your taxpayer money.
Of course, Morrison sleeps like a baby at night.
What would Jesus say?
Invisible minister Michael McCormack (Nationals leader, deputy prime minister, minister for Infrastructure and Transport). The name McCormack is hard to remember because he replaced a colourful drunken beetroot named Barnaby. Being bereft of charisma and substance also helps in remaining obscure.
Christopher Pyne (Defence minister) Whining Pyne is perhaps the most unbearable toffy-nosed privately schooled twerp in the Morrison viper nest. Pyne has such little outside real life experience that a minute of sunlight can crisp his translucent outer shell.
Steve Ciobo (minister for Defence Industry).
Last year Ciobo overturned a ban on government-backed loans to domestic miners last year without consulting his department. According to The Guardian, ‘The controversial decision meant the federal government could start funding coalmining projects at a time when Australia’s major banks are increasingly distancing themselves from investing in coal.’
Simon Birmingham (minister for Trade, Tourism and Investment). Birmingham moves from wrecking education to now wrecking Trade, Tourism and Investment. He’s considered a Liberal moderate, which means in real terms hard right, somewhere short of Mussolini and Franco.
Kelly O’Dwyer (minister for Women, minister for Jobs and Industrial Relations). O’Dwyer made headlines for being unable to answer Barry Cassidy’s question: ‘Was the government wrong to stall on calling a royal commission into the banks, given the appalling evidence of last week?’
The Libs constantly resisted the royal commission but were happy for the unions to be burnt on the royal commission stake. Double standards and hypocrisy may be lost on the political class, but surely not on us normal folk?
Mathias Cormann (minister for Finance, special minister of State, leader of the Government in the Senate). While highly regarded as a competent minister by independent media outlet Crikey, isn’t he still part of the problem? The Cormanniator’s expression after being fleeced by ABC’s Emma Alberici last year was priceless.
She asked him on Lateline, ‘Why the sudden obsession with keeping election promises? You didn’t keep the promise when it came to health and education. “No new taxes” was what you said before the 2013 election and you introduced the three per cent deficit repair tax. You promised no cuts to the ABC and took $44m from us. Tony Abbott promised you wouldn’t shut any Medicare locals; all of them are gone. Julie Bishop promised no cuts to foreign aid and that it would grow in line with inflation. Instead it was frozen, which represents a $6 billion real cut, then it was Tony Abbott’s paid parental leave policy that has also been abandoned.’
Mitch Fifield (minister against Communications, minister against the Arts). The government’s unrelenting hostility towards anyone who doesn’t think like themselves extends of course to the national broadcaster. Fifield is no fan. Now Turnbull and his moderates are gone, will the ABC be defunded at an increased rate? Fifield is a proud member of The Institute Of Public Affairs (IPA), which is not so much a think tank but rather a training ground for far-right-wing politicians. The IPA and most of Morrsion’s cabinet hate the ABC. So will Labor restore full ABC funding under a rainbow of sparkles and unicorns…?
Peter Dutton (minister for Home Affairs and Gymps). Peter Plodder lost the leadership spill 45 to 40, which means nearly half of the Liberals are thick enough to think he is electable as PM. Hooray for this quasi-democracy!