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Byron Shire
May 12, 2021

Mandy Nolan’s Soapbox: The dick joke

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The Great Phallacy of life in Byron

I love a dick joke. But a $52K one? Well it better be a doozy. 

And it is! Thank you, Byron Council! You have kept me in dick jokes for the next decade… or should I say Dickade?! I LOVE the new sculptural cock up! 

Apparently it’s not supposed to look as much like a dick when it’s finished as it does now; I really hope that’s not true! Please don’t give me giant D then take it away! 

Byron’s latest venture into public art is the ultimate hello to our visitors… Nothing says ‘confidence’ better than a big hard disco stick. It looks a lot like the one I keep in my bedside table! It’s like a warning for traffic jams, shark attacks, overpriced accommodation. It says what we all should have said years ago: ‘welcome to Byron… prepare to be fucked!’ 

Who doesn’t love art that blows you away? Cum back soon. Who’s your local member? 

The  lighthouse is a phallus. Any sculptural homage is probably going to be a little prick off the old cock. The big metal willy is the perfect addition to the roundabout at West Byron – perhaps a nod to the pricks who don’t listen to community consensus. Maybe it’s a big rapey cock. ‘No doesn’t mean No for them. It’s the gatekeeper to an exit that’s been created to a development that hasn’t been approved yet. I was actually more upset by the exit than the fabulous phallus.’

Perhaps we could ‘feminise’ the roundabout and put hair around all the exits? It’s not unusual to create architecture at scale that looks like a cock. My daughter studies design engineering and she says it’s something students are warned about by their teachers early on. It’s the ‘be careful you don’t design a donger’ principle. She says everyone designs at least one cock a year but doesn’t realise until presentation day. 

She showed me this neat site called ‘Genitals or Not’ where you can submit your design for an assessment so you can hit the market cocksure you haven’t built a cock. Maybe Council could have done with that service! But they’re not alone. 

Since the beginning of civilisation people, aka Men, have been building giant schlongs! There’s a Christian Science church in Illinois that from the air looks like a big swinging dong, the Knob Tower in the UK, Sky Tower in Poland, the Yas Hotel in Abu Dhabi or, as it might be renamed, ‘a big dicky’. 

The best I’ve seen though is China’s Guangxi New Media Centre. I sure hope they sell souvenir dildos because I want one. Especially if it lights up. Size does matter! 

Byron finally has a ‘big thing’! 

Years ago I had a whole routine on what would be the appropriate ‘big thing’ for Byron – back then it was the big hippy, or the big dole check, or the big vegan. Things have changed; those images wouldn’t represent Byron today – you’d need to build a big trust funder, a big turmeric latte, a big Airbnb logo. Hang on, that looks a lot like a bumhole. 

Perhaps the Huge Mr Happy, the sizeable Stiffy, is the perfect erection for our town. After all, the blokes who came up with Puppetry of the Penis, an international touring sensation, met at the Rails in Byron. The show was conceived here! Friendy lopped out his tackle in full view, showed Simon a few of his best moves and Puppetry of the Penis was born. Simon Morley, aka ‘Horse’ aka Penis King Pin, says it was then he knew ‘I could travel the world and never have to work that hard’. 

Wow, the Big Boner is a reminder of an ethos that binds us all. And I have to admit I’ve always been a fan of the cock. One cock to rule them all (council), one cock to find them (lighthouse). One cock to bring them all and in the darkness bind them (new sculpture). It’s perfect! 

Love the new sculpture or hate the new sculpture, it’s doing what art does best. It creates conversation. It’s the funniest Facebook thread I’ve followed for a long time! And hey, public art from the public purse is always going to get public comment. Especially when its a ‘decoration’ on a roundabout on a road system full of potholes! 

Hopefully pothole repair and public art aren’t mutually exclusive! 

I can’t wait to get my photo in front of it! Australia’s most easterly Dic Pic!  At last, everyone in Byron Finally Gets a Good Dicking! This year, Xmas really did come early!

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  1. Laughing here, Mandy!
    Love all the puns and good old Aussie colloquialisms for the phallus!

    Was this design run past the community for input before it was built? I bet not.
    Now Byron Council has to wear the crap coming their way! Chortle, chortle!!!!

  2. Fuck that’s funny Mandy, it may also have been built as an answer for the proposed development, we can all take turns of pulling it until it goes splashing down to the ground, filling up the entrance to the proposed wet swampy disease spreading development, with plenty of mosies waiting for blood. We’d only need a few of us to pull it off. Everything looks big until you get your hands on it.

  3. Hilarious Mandy, laughed all the way through reading and I needed a good laugh today. Yes, don’t think there was any consultation on this either.

  4. All above analogies aside: wasn’t the roundabout built to ease the horrendous traffic situation on Ewingsdale Rd?

    Now everybody will want to pull over to get their selfies with this so called “work of art”. Much like the Las Vegas Sign when entering the city but where a parking lot has been built to accomodate the masses that queue up for the photo op.

    No chance of any accomodation for that in Byron! What a scene that will be when pedestrians getting out of their cars mingle with the cars going through the roundabout to get up close and personal to Big whatever you call it! Then imagine them trying to get back into the traffic to continue on into Byron!

    It will be more chaotic than it already is!

    What kind of person thinks these things up and doesn’t see the potential disaster this would cause?

  5. What better way to say sorry to the indiginous people of byron and surrounds for putting a light house on a sacred site, than putting up another one. Der.

  6. My GGGG Grandfather would be rolling in his grave
    What a bloody waste of money
    Would have been better spent on the pot holes outside the Primary School on Middleton st that have been there for about 5yrs
    5th gen local

  7. I actually don’t mind the sculpture. I think it’s hilarious and a great representation of local Australian humour. It gives people another reason to c.. to Byron Bay. I say the silver schlong stays!


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