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Byron Shire
April 23, 2021

Mandy Nolan’s Soapbox: The only conspiracy theory you need

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Yes, it’s an international conspiracy – spread through poo.

Lately I have been busy tackling the conspiracists who, frankly, must be worn out by their fervor. It’s exhausting trying to stay outraged for any length of time. While I think their beliefs are questionable, I do admire their energy! I’m clearly not a conspiracist. 

One question I always ask, when determining the efficacy of a theory is, who benefits? Generally the answer is a very non-specific – ‘Them’ or ‘the corporations’ or ‘the government’ or a combo ‘Them’ of all of the aforementioned. 

Last night I woke up with the answer! The culprit, the winner, behind the COVID conspiracy, it seems so obvious – I can’t believe it’s taken me this long – the answer is right there in your loungeroom! Lying there under your kitchen table. Begging to get on the bed! Who are the major beneficiaries of this pandemic and the subsequent lockdown that has ensued? Dogs.  

It’s a Canine conspiracy. Have a look around – have you ever seen such happy dogs? Owners who begrudgingly walked their dogs once a day are now pounding the pavement with their pooches at least two, sometimes three times, a day. Doggy daycare is closed. Mummy/ Daddy is home! 

(BTW my skin goes weird when people baby talk their dogs by referring to themselves as their dog’s Mummy or Daddy. This always invokes a very unpleasant and illegal video on my mind-screen showing the circumstances that led to the authorship of said dog… ergh! Please stop!) 

Dogs are clearly behind it all.  Just look how waggy their evil little tails are right now.  And not just Chinese pugs. All Dogs – even American Mastiffs.  The English bulldog has colluded with the French poodle and with the Aussie Blue Heeler. Yes, it’s an international conspiracy – spread through poo. The whole ‘pick-up-the-poo’ campaign has been part of a worldwide plot to create a viral vector for pooch-to-human transmission. It’s taken decades to train us up, and finally, all the balls were in a row… they just weren’t being thrown. Until now. 

Humans are now throwing the balls – in every park, on every beach, in every street. It’s what we do now for a sense of achievement.  We throw balls. Dogs have what they’ve always desired: You. You there with nothing good in your life except Them. You, realising that just being together is all you will ever need. You, at home. You, never going out – except to walk them. You in your underpants, staring despondently out the window, waiting for your next walk… The leash is certainly on the other neck now!  You, begging your dog for just one more walkie. The fifth one today. Just to get out of the fucking house.  

This may seem ridiculous, but I have evidence. Just yesterday, I saw two dogs high five each other on the beach.  Look at their hairy little faces – that’s a smile. They’ve got us good. My dog can’t believe it.  For the last few years, Elvis has been taking himself for a walk. He has a circuit – he walks the same path – visits the same people – at exactly the same time, twice a day. I’m not a dog person. I am immune to the cuteness of puppies. I only really like old dogs. I do however like my dog a lot. For a dog, he’s ok. He’s old and he’s self-reliant – two qualities I also like in people. There I was thinking Elvis was getting exercise, now I realize he was attending some sort of secret dog meetings – conspiring for world dog-imation.  

All that urinating on trees or letterboxes – that’s not marking territory – that’s pee-mail. That’s their messaging system! When they sniff, that’s Them reading it – then peeing on top – that’s their response. They’ve been coding for years. They don’t need fancy laptops – they just need to lift the leg. 

And guess who doesn’t get the virus? Dogs. Dogs are immune. That’s not a coincidence. That’s bio-engineering. There is a saying ‘every dog has his day’, well that day has certainly arrived. 

But the game is up. I’m onto you. It’s time you furry fuckers rolled over – you dirty dogs need to come clean!

But in the meantime… I might just have one more walk.

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8 COMMENTS

  1. Lately, and I am always late, I have been pulling on my NRL pullover so I have been busy tackling the fleet-footed conspiracists who, frankly, must be worn out sprinting down the sideline to the goalposts by their fervor, fever, favour, Oh, I will have to get the dictionary in my bad spell. In the long run in running this country like Peta Credlin does, it’s exhausting trying to stay outraged for any length of time. Maybe for the length of the football field. You know Tony, he keeps interrupting as he is on his bike again. Meanwhile, I think his briefs are questionable. I do admire their energy on the beach! Clearly I am not a conspiracist.

  2. I wondered why there was a shortage of alfoil in the shops. Now I know: it’s all those loony toons conspiracy theorists making themselves foil hats against contrails, 5G, coronavirus … and dogs.

  3. This makes such pawfect logical sense, Mandy but devastating! So this is how my ‘best friend’ has repaid me for 11 years of worm tablets and vet bills. For lugging dog food home from the supermarket and plating it up twice a day for more than 11 years – that’s over 8,000 meals.

    Right, no more reassuring cuddles through thunderstorms, no more walks through rain hail or 100k winds – despite those pleading brown eyes, I’m onto him.

  4. Maybe soon all the women will also realise that olfactory signals rule our lives – cycling together means babies tend to be born in larger cohorts with natural spacing, especially with longer breastfeeding.
    It makes for more stable small communities and the kids raise and look after each other.
    Win-Win-WIN!

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