Mandy Nolan’s Soapbox: How Not to Enjoy Yourself: Meet the Anti-Masturbation Lobby

The Devils Doorbell

What was Chrissie Amphlett’s mum thinking when her daughter sang ‘When I think of you, I touch myself’? That would have to be a confronting song for any mum to hear her daughter sing. ‘Chrissie! Sing mummy that lovely touching song again – your nanna loves it.’  Except for me – I reckon I’d be proud. In fact, I’ve just put it in my will as the song I want them to play at my funeral. I want a choir. I want the whole damn congregation to sing it. And Auslan interpreters.

Masturbation, and in particular, female masturbation is still taboo. I mean you don’t rock up to work going ‘sorry I’m late – had a big morning masturbation sesh’ then go hit up on the hand sanitiser.  Maybe Mrs Amphlett was proud, or maybe she just put her fingers in her ears and sang ‘la la la’. If Mrs Amphlett was part of the Christian Mothers Against Masturbation she would have been down on her knees for Jesus, (which sounds sexual in itself – there are probably Christians masturbating right now just thinking about such desperate acts of floor-based contrition.)

This morning, as I lay in bed pleasuring myself by rolling my finger across my Facebook feed, I discovered this American anti-masturbation lobby group, and another one called – ‘Surely this is a joke?’ I thought. But no. These people are total wankers. Anti-wank, wankers.

For these fundamentalist Christians, self-stimulation is one sure way to lose your key to the promised land. ‘Make sure she has never raped her sin cave’ declares one meme… ‘It is never ok to marry a masturbator.’ For this crew, the sound of one hand praying is the sound of eternal damnation. As one of the meme’s informed me: ‘You need two hands to climb God’s staircase’. Of course the masturbator in me thought, but you only need one hand to guide you down the slippery slope to hell. After all girls, the clitoris is the ‘devil’s doorbell’, and when no-one’s home, many of us have given it a damn good ringing. When it comes to buzzing the Christian clitoris, ‘Avon Calling’ takes on a whole new meaning.

Most orthodox religions see masturbation as a form of pleasure outside God’s design. But how can that be true? If God didn’t want us to enjoy our lovely genitals then we wouldn’t have such well-placed arms. Some Christians have even gone to the extreme of making their children wear anti-masturbatory sleep gloves. They’re covered in spikes. Although, what’s a deterrent for some will be added gratification for others. I’ve Googled them. They look like essential items for entry to the Hellfire club. In fact, I’ve been online for the last half hour trying to order some, for myself. Research of course.

It’s hard to believe that anyone could promote such a repressive and stupid approach to sexuality, and that anyone would go along with it. Rather than a healthy relationship with one’s body with the positive health benefits of relieving stress, helping you sleep, and making you feel good, they see sensual self-pleasure as spiritual self-pollution.

One night, driving back from a gig I accidentally tuned into Christian radio. I couldn’t turn it off. Grown men were calling in and crying about their masturbation addiction (a dick shunned). It was horrible. It was 2am and I was alone in the car with these late night dirty masturbators who were plagued with guilt, self-loathing and wanker’s remorse. One poor man was beside himself. He called himself ‘chronic’. He had been trying to stop for years. As he talked about his long, hard, battle with masturbation, his voice went all funny. Then he hung up. Then the announcer asked us all to pray for him. I was tempted to ring in to suggest the poor chap needed hands on healing.

I can’t stop thinking about what it must be like attending a meeting of the Christian Mothers Against Masturbation. This group, who meet monthly, to stamp out self-gratification, spend the entire meeting talking about the evils of masturbating. First item on the agenda: The Sin Cave. Second: taking the batteries out of the doorbell…

Surely after an hour or so they must feel the devil’s stirrings? Does Doris excuse herself to do a little hard-core private praying? The other mothers hear her religious ecstasy from the other room ‘Oh God Oh God Oh God – JESUS!’

Life is so ironic. Sometimes the biggest wankers, aren’t actually wankers at all.

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11 responses to “Mandy Nolan’s Soapbox: How Not to Enjoy Yourself: Meet the Anti-Masturbation Lobby”

  1. John Macleay says:

    Glad to see that Mandy has matters in hand. What would Portnoy think?

  2. Mandy, you’ve made my day. An a.m. of laughter’s
    good for the soul when there are – & have been,
    a combination of trying times. I moved here four
    year’s ago today. Thanks for brightening up my

  3. Shaparoonie says:

    Fuck me gently with a lead canary.

  4. Miranda Bain says:

    Thanks for shining a light on this very real view from the dark ages Mandy! So much work to do in the positive sexuality space- particularly in supporting kids to navigate their sexual development.

  5. Roger Everhard says:

    MMM! aka Make Masturbation Mandatory.

  6. Kim Latham says:

    Thanks Mandy i needed a good laugh today. I luv ya!

  7. phil says:

    Big fan of mastubation but worthy of of a column….i dont think so

  8. Kerry says:

    An orgasm falls into two categories. Assisted or unassisted. To the nice Christian folks assisted orgasms be only in marriage. I have heard from a Christian woman believed in “Try Before You Buy.” She was silent when I asked whether it also meant orgasms. The assisted approach is eagerly championed especially in marriage. A nine month birth after the “I do’s is considered God approved. An unassisted orgasm however seen as a tool of the Devil and not a gentle handshake of labia “inner or outer” and a very grateful clitoris. To some if I can’t nether can you. Masturbation is unique as it is a hands on moment.A flurry of fingers a bit of pressure here and there. Also it is good to exercise one’s imagination and promote blood flow and does not make you get the munches. AND it is not age restricted nor selective as a male only but women are very much eagerly welcomed. So just indulge.

  9. The discussion is starting to sound like ‘the
    calm-a-suit-ra’ of the self. What will be will
    be. Hands on or not.

  10. Peter says:

    I don’t think she’d have her fingers in her _ears_ while singing ‘la la la’.

  11. Blue says:

    “Sin cave” LOL
    Yes, sounds like the C.M.A.M are protesting too much

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