With Scott Morrison about to jet off to Glasgow for the UN COP 26 Climate Change Conference, I’ve got some unexpected and exciting news of my own: I’ve decided to take advice around my health and wellbeing and give up drinking!
I know, I know. Thank you for your applause and admiration, which I correctly assume is pouring my way. It’s wonderful to be able to make this announcement loudly in the media.
To that end, I’ve set a target for giving up… well, look, not all booze, obviously. That would be both irresponsible and unrealistic.
To be specific, I have agreed on a non-binding drinking target with many, many conditions attached – but I am confident that I will be net sober by 2050!
You may applaud again.
Part of this future triumph is already being achieved by rolling over my sobriety credits from 2005, specifically the two weeks I had that gastro thing and basically consumed nothing but dry toast and flat lemonade.
By extrapolating those 14 days and baselessly assuming that they are representative of my thirties, I think you’ll find that my drinking has been very reasonable by international standards, per capita.
Achieving this incredibly impressive goal is also based on a few very reasonable assumptions about the rapid development and commercialisation of new alcohol capture and storage initiatives, like the successful implementation of Clean Brewing – a developing technology by which my drinking multiple growlers of tangy, frosty beer actually removes hangovers from the community!
Admittedly early research has been a little disappointing, in that I woke up the other morning feeling like rats had hollowed out my skull and were using it as a combination latrine and firing range, but I’m hopeful that with adequate public funding we will start to see a dramatic reduction in the number of soiled and soggy mattresses I am forced to shamefully drag to the curb.
Now, to the naysayers who naively declare that ample non-booze alternatives already exist, such as water, orange juice, soft drink and literally almost all potable liquids worldwide; it is possible that these may play a part in my thirst-quenching efforts going forward. But frankly, I have my doubts about whether those can be successfully applied to all of my hydration needs on a regular basis, which is why I have been stocking up on brown liquors to provide a baseline supply of liquid while we explore alternatives, including the purchase of some very nice new monogrammed tumblers. It’s my glass-led recovery!
In addition, there are a few things that I feel should be made clear about my brave and bold step into a lean, clean future. One is that I realise that some so-called experts in my liver function have suggested that I will literally explode if I keep drinking for the next nine years, and that a strong interim reduction of booze is required by 2030. Unfortunately, I cannot commit to any such reduction, and may instead have to ramp up my drinking in the short term in order to hit my 2050 goal. I will not be drawn on the details of these on-booze matters.
Also, I reserve the right to abandon any plans to stop drinking if there is any risk of so much as a single job loss in the brewing and viticulture industries in the next three decades. Obviously.
There are those who will suggest that reducing my drinking by 2050 is far too little, and pathetically too late, to be remotely beneficial. Others may cynically suggest that my announcement is an empty gesture made purely to look like I’m doing something positive while deliberately doing the opposite, especially since I’ve been swigging from a hip flask throughout the writing of this column.
And sure, you might point to my career-long reliance on booze, and my many public statements on how great it is up until and including last week. Like that time I stood up and waved a cask around shouting “This is goon! Don’t be afraid, don’t be scared!” in what I thought at the time was parliament, but was actually an Oporto’s car park.
But the fact is that I am demonstrating a strong and extremely admirable commitment to a sensible and economically responsible level of sobriety, following a perfectly acceptable and internationally agreed-upon timeline that protects both my health and the job security of the hardworking people at Dan Murphy’s.
In any case, there is no longer any need to speak to me about the dangers of polishing off a bottle of red in a park, or demanding to know where that smell is coming from, because I am meeting and beating all of my unlegislated, changeable, vague and easily discarded targets as I head to my goal of being net sober by 2050.
Bottoms up, Australia!