There is no safe way of choking someone.
When you put your hands around someone’s neck, you are trying to kill them. You can kill them. And in some cases, you will kill them. Somehow that’s become a ‘normal’ sexual activity. If you’ve ever needed evidence that the patriarchy wants to rape and kill women, then that’s it. And it’s gendered. It tends to be the hands of men on the throats of women, trans and nonbinary people.
Last week a 16-year-old Sydney girl died after losing consciousness as a result of asphyxiation during sexual intercourse. How does someone so young die from such an extreme sexual act? How has sexual violence been so normalised that young women are consenting to be strangled in their family bedrooms?
Sex is a beautiful, fun and enjoyable part of being human. How does someone so young end up engaging in something so extreme? How are young women being indoctrinated into believing that unless they consent to being choked, that they’re somehow ‘vanilla’. Vanilla is code for boring. And in a pornographised world there is no place for gentle loving intimacy. For tenderness. It’s about performing violence as a sexual act. And women are being tricked into giving consent. Tricked because they think they’re safe. And they should know, you can’t consent to choking in Australia. You can’t legally consent to anything that causes serious harm or death.
It’s clear, young people engaging in choking are not aware of the harm. Pornography is their teacher, and porn is not real. It’s a performance of sexuality. And sadly it’s become the tool that most young men use for sexual gratification and information. It dehumanises. It’s setting them up to normalise and simulate the attempted murder of their partner. And in some cases, as we’ve seen, it ends in death.
I’m a mother of daughters. Did I miss this conversation too? I don’t watch porn, so I don’t know what they’re seeing. I didn’t know how they’re being coerced into behaviours that are going to hurt them. This is an uncomfortable topic. I risk coming off as a prude. But I don’t care. I don’t think men should be killing women or anyone in violent sexual play. I think industries that groom men into hurting us should be held accountable. So what should we know?
Firstly, for those who aren’t aware, more than half of young people, and I’m talking about under 30s, use choking as a regular part of their sexual repertoire. It involves one person putting pressure on the neck of another, restricting breathing or blood flow, or both. These practises are NEVER safe. They are physiologically unpredictable, and can cause a rapid loss of consciousness, brain injury or even death within seconds. It’s now the second most common cause of stroke in women under 40. According to an article in The Guardian last year, it can lead to difficulty swallowing, incontinence, seizures, memory problems, depression, anxiety and miscarriage. And that’s a turn on?
I thought we were trying to stop violence against women, so why are women saying yes to hands around their neck? How has the porn industry been permitted to normalise rape and abuse? And why haven’t we said something? Why have we championed being killed as some sort of sexual kink? Why is emulating being the victim of a serious assault seen as ‘safe’? And how do we hold makers and distributors of pornography responsible for the harm they cause? For their sexual misinformation and indoctrination of our vulnerable young people?
If you have sons, educate them not to emulate strangulation. And if you have daughters, trans or nonbinary kids, tell them about the risks. And tell them both about how wonderful sex can be, in all its many flavours, even vanilla. Especially when you don’t die.
It’s time to stop eroticising violence. And maybe porn could achieve something it seems to do poorly – eroticise mutually respectful loving connection.
Mandy Nolan’s column has appeared in The Echo for almost 25 years. She is a writer, comedian and artist, is the preselected Greens candidate for Ballina and was the Greens candidate at the past two federal elections.
For four decades The Echo has printed the stories some people loved, some people hated, and some pretended not to read. If you want us to keep telling the truth, the real truth, not the sugar-coated version. We’ll need your support to keep the presses rolling. 
