This weekend my son Charlie goes to Italy. Not New Italy. Old Italy. The one they keep in Europe. I’m so jealous. My daughter went two years ago. Now it’s Charlie’s turn. He doesn’t even look that excited. It’s not a holiday. It’s a school trip. It’s language immersion. Do these kids have any idea how privileged they are?
I love being nude. I like sleeping nude. I like swimming nude. Damn, I even shower nude. I’m nude right now. Well, under my clothes. I always go nude under my clothes. If you’re like me then you probably love being nude too. Statistics show that it’s highly probable you were born nude.
I can’t stand large groups of women in hats. They’re scary. It's why I loathe Melbourne Cup. You put a hat on a woman and give her a glass of champagne and you’ve unleashed an evil more terrifying than the beast from 20,000 fathoms.
Did you know that parking charges are the fee that consumers hate most? This was the result of a UK survey that came back with an overwhelming majority of people surveyed saying parking should be free.
Next year I turn 50. In preparation for this depressing celebration of one’s scum line on the bathtub of life I have been looking through old photos. It’s like a retrospective of the world’s worst haircuts. How can one woman have so many tragic looks?
What’s the point of being a big Hollywood producer if you don’t get a little extra titty? Harvey Weinstein has been exposed for being a sexual predator, routinely assaulting and abusing women to the extent that it was such common knowledge it was an ‘in joke’.
I have too many clothes. In my walk-in wardrobe there is barely a space for me to squeeze another coat hanger.
You’re killing us. You may not know me, but we know you. In fact we’ve known you now for well over 20 years. You’ve had an impact on our life. A lot.
Most of my adult life I have endured being stared at. It’s unnerving. People really have a good look at me in public. I am so used to it now I barely notice, but when I was a teenager it was a constant source of anxiety. It made me feel like a freak.
It’s the most powerful word in human language. ‘Yes’ says I am open. ‘Yes’ says that you will accept the views of another. ‘Yes’ gives permission. ‘Yes’ opens doors.
I don’t know who is doing Turmeric’s publicity, but can I have their number? I reckon if I could get the same person to promote me I might finally crack it.
It’s always humbling to discover that your kid is more switched on than you are. I get so caught up with the mundanity of my daily life that I forget to be wise.
I hate Fathers Day. And it’s not just because I had a violent alcoholic dad who drove drunk into an oncoming vehicle when I was six. Although it did make the clay coil ashtray with ‘Best Dad in the World’ I made him at school a bit redundant.
This week I didn’t wear any makeup. I never don’t wear makeup. It’s been a bit of a challenge. It wasn’t a choice. It was a directive.
With the conversation raging once again about marriage equality and dear Malcolm offering us the most watered-down version of a plebiscite he could muster (his preferred option was not actually a postal vote, it was carrier pigeons.
I’ve committed. Again. I’m going back to the gym. The place I swore I’d never step foot in. I’ve thought about it for about three years now so I guess it’s time.
Last week one of Australia’s most important musicians died. He didn’t trade on rockstar sexuality. He made money but he didn’t buy fancy cars or expensive real estate – his money went back to his community
Sometimes it’s hard to be kind. Often it’s inconvenient. It can cause discomfort. And it can disturb your daily trajectory.
It’s 6.10am. My leg is touching his. I look at his thigh as it presses against mine. Who would have thought our relationship was going to get this physical this soon? Our shoulders brush.
For everyone who has a bucket list of shit they want to do, there is another bucket list full of shit they don’t want to ever do. On the top of my ‘shit I never want to do’ list was ‘go on a cruise’. Last week I went on a cruise.
Right now in Byron Shire there are more potholes than actual road surface. There are people from Main Arm who haven’t been sighted for weeks, suspicion being that, like Alice from Wonderland, they’ve fallen into one and disappeared completely.
Five years ago my husband and I built a six-bedroom house. After years of stacking kids two deep per room, we graduated from lower middle class to the ripening affluence of a family where everyone had their own bedrooms.
Meet Barry. He likes to wank at the beach. No, that’s not a typo. I didn’t mean to say walk. Walking isn’t Barry’s thing.
Tell anyone you’re feeling a bit overwhelmed and you get the same response: ‘You should try mindfulness’. Shit, I was hoping they’d offer to do my washing, or cook me dinner.
Like him or loathe him, Donald Trump is King of the Western World. The big orange hamster has found himself on his very own wheel of good fortune, and as Emperor of All he’s fast-tracking the rest of the world to what feels an awful lot like ‘the end of days’.