Mandy Nolan’s Soapbox: Crossing Over

I miss travelling. I miss the thrill of going somewhere new. The last few years feels like we’ve had no adventures. No interesting and foreign lands to explore. 

It’s been all about staying at home.

Thanks to Annastacia Palaszczuk, going to Queensland feels a bit like going overseas.

I’ve had to cross the border for work a few times lately. 

There’s definitely a tension. A feeling that you could be pulled aside into the dreaded left lane and interrogated. ‘What’s your reason for coming to Queensland?’ Like it’s not part of Australia anymore. 

I don’t know why, but when cops want to look at my papers I feel like I’ve done something illegal.

I’ve heard of people being smuggled over in the boot. Like Queensland is a 1970’s drive in cinema. One criminal stashed himself in a car carrier. Drug runners tick ‘essential work’ when trying to re-enter the state after a meth drop. It can be quite tricky getting safe passage into the Sunshine state these days. 

There’s even a cross border commissioner. I pass out from boredom just saying that. Imagine doing that for a job? Talk about the life of the party. Imagine being trapped in the corner chatting to that dude. But I guess the job has never been more relevant. And ironically people have never been more cross.

The other day a friend who was attending an urgent rescheduled medical appointment got grilled. She got pulled into the dreaded left lane. She had to show evidence of the appointment. She had to show that it had been changed. She had to show the email. Then the phone call where it was changed. Then explain how it was linked. She has gyney issues. As women we are already self-conscious about this, and now she’s on a side road talking to a cop about the validity of her vagina appointment at 5am. There should be a box to tick for our box. 

Medical appointments we are prepared to travel for tend to be urgent, and confidential. They don’t require extra probing.

Another friend remarked how easy it was to cross.

She didn’t even fill in a border pass. She just drove up there and managed to snag the nicest Queensland cop in the entire state who actually downloaded the form and filled it in for her. And reason for travel? IKEA.

Yep. If you say IKEA they will pretty well wave you through. No pass required.

Apparently this is essential shopping. I tried to think of one thing IKEA sell that is essential. Emergency storage solutions? There’s no one better.

It’s clear emergency medical requires an interrogation.

But for emergency shopping you get to go straight through.  

I’ve been travelling for work quite a bit and it’s really a bit of a lucky dip as to who you might get and how they treat you. Which is a bit like going through Customs. I don’t think there’s any cavity searches though, which is disappointing. But I guess that can be conducted back at the station. You can, however, be deported back to NSW.

I faced a very surly cop the other day. She was clearly not living her best life dealing with this very long line to go to IKEA. She barked ‘What is your reason for entering Queensland?’ I said ‘Work that can’t be done from home’. She looked at me quizzically and asked what I do for a job. I told the cop ‘I’m a comedian’. She looked unimpressed. ‘Tell me a joke.’

Wow. That’s like saying ‘Prove you are a cop and arrest me’. 

So I said ‘I’m drunk’. She didn’t have a sense of humour. That was a very funny joke. It was ironic. It had got an element of danger.

Then she pointed me to the left lane.

Shit. 

I thought fast.

‘I have a gig at IKEA’.

She raised and eyebrow and waved me through. 

IKEA, it’s the Allen Key to the State.