14.3 C
Byron Shire
July 1, 2022

Mandy Nolan’s Soapbox: Who Would You Rather?

Latest News

Supply chain pain? Try localisation!

A community screening of Local Futures’ new film, 'Planet Local: A Quiet Revolution', will be held today, Friday, July 1, at The Farm in Byron Bay from 6pm. Damon Gameau and Pacha Light will be joining Helena Norberg-Hodge for a discussion afterwards.

Other News

Govt to rebuild Northern Rivers from July 1

The Northern Rivers Reconstruction Corporation (NRRC) will come into existence from July 1. So what is it, and how will it assist flood-affected residents across the region?

Building hei(s)(gh)ts

I also strongly agree with David Gilet and Paul McCarthy on the creeping cancer of increased building heights/heists in...

Contentious Bruns DA before Council again

A controversial decision by Byron Council to approve a mixed-use development in Brunswick Heads could be overturned, after a group of councillors who oppose the plan got the numbers for a rescission motion.

Celebrating NAIDOC Week in the Northern Rivers 

The Northern Rivers encompasses the Bundjalung, Gumbaynggirr and Yaegl nations with celebrations for NAIDOC taking place up and down the coast. 

Perplexed

Perplexed to read Richard Jones’ article ‘Now’s the time for those reforms’, when the opening sentence quotes: ‘Just over...

Supply chain pain? Try localisation!

A community screening of Local Futures’ new film, 'Planet Local: A Quiet Revolution', will be held today, Friday, July 1, at The Farm in Byron Bay from 6pm. Damon Gameau and Pacha Light will be joining Helena Norberg-Hodge for a discussion afterwards.

Mandy Nolans Soapbox: Who would you rather

I think about sex a lot. Being a woman that’s supposed to be unusual.

It’s supposed to be men who think about sex. There’s a statistic that says men think about sex every seven seconds. Thats about 8,000 times a day. That’s not actually backed up with any research. We all know the real figures are more like every two seconds.

Even though the age-old stereotype is that men are oversexed and women are pretty well frigid in comparison, it’s clearly not valid to compare people’s sexual thinking based on gender alone.

In a recent study on sexually oriented thoughts it was found that men’s and women’s sexual thinking was expectedly variable from individual to individual and in men it ranged from one to 388 times a day and in women from one to 140 times a day. That meant that the average number of sexual thoughts for men every day was 34.2 and for women it was 18.6. Pretty well the same amount of thoughts allocated for food and sleep. Eating, sleeping, and Fucking. That’s what we’re here for.

I also think about cushions. Eating fucking and sleeping. On cushions. I wonder what actually constitutes sexual thinking. When I say I think about sex it’s not really always strictly sexual – in a lust-filled desirous way. It’s very often strange pornographic musings that my brain performs for my private amusement. Like the way you doodle on paper when you’re distracted. Except, well I can draw a doodle without a biro. It’s curious, and kind of random. And I’m sorry, its’ not consensual. I haven’t asked you if you mind being the subject of my subconscious seduction. It’s very useful. It can make people who are intimidating seem a lot less so.

Like when I got pulled up for speeding recently. As the cop walked towards the car I imagined him with his wife and her saying, ‘slow down slow down… is there any reason you’re going so fast?! Use cruise control, you idiot!’ His hairy humping body collapses in a heap.

I imagine what his orgasm face looks like. What sound he makes. I imagine him sweaty and red with his face screwed up. I might lose a few points but not as many as him! It’s the evolution of the technique someone once gave me for dealing with onstage nerves. ‘Just imagine everyone naked,’ they said. Well I did that. And then the naked people got busy.

When you have an imagination like mine you don’t need pornography. Porn is never as bizarre, erotic and unexpected as what pops up in my head. Although sometimes it’s disturbing and I wish I could get it out. Like when I imagined Malcolm Turnbull in a gimp suit. Or Barnaby with his Akubra on and the classic strip song playing You can leave your hat on…

One of my friends and I have even made our inappropriate sexual thinking into a game. It’s an adult game for long car trips. Kind of like I Spy, but it’s really I Root. Or more precisely, if you had to choose between two people you don’t like whom would you choose? We don’t call it that. That would be tacky. It’s called ‘Who Would You Rather?’

What we do is cast two people we don’t want to have sex with and then we have to realistically choose one. I don’t know why we have to, it’s just a game of choice, like if these were the last two people on the planet. And it’s not just hetero. You can cast anyone. That’s the fun part of the game. You want to come up with the most unfuckable (well to you) people you can think of. Like Who Would You Rather… Prince Charles or Clive Palmer? Pauline Hanson or John Laws? Donald Trump or Kim Jong-un? It’s impossible to choose. It’s the lesser of two evils.

Suddenly I imagine Donald lying on his tummy on a black satin doona covered in a soft orange fuzz. His toupee sits in a glass by the bed… he’s wearing a nappy. He’s an adult baby.

Kim’s only wearing his coat. It falls open. He’s got a tiny, tiny missile. So has Donald. Oh this is tough. Then I think of poor beautiful Melania. She’s been playing this game for 13 years now. So I choose Kim. He’s disappointed. He chose Melania.

 


Support The Echo

Keeping the community together and the community voice loud and clear is what The Echo is about. More than ever we need your help to keep this voice alive and thriving in the community.

Like all businesses we are struggling to keep food on the table of all our local and hard working journalists, artists, sales, delivery and drudges who keep the news coming out to you both in the newspaper and online. If you can spare a few dollars a week – or maybe more – we would appreciate all the support you are able to give to keep the voice of independent, local journalism alive.

1 COMMENT

  1. 73 year old family friend confided in me that she still had urges. I offered to buy her a vibrator. She declined as her daughter visits to ‘tidy’ her home unasked, and all hell would break loose. Sexy and mature is wrongly considered mutually-exclusive. Sexual appetite based on gender is culturally contrived. We are all different, but slut-shaming lives on. Def. a topic that needs more conversation. good on Ms Nolan.

LEAVE A REPLY

Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here

Dry July to help you and Our House

In July 2008, three mates, Brett, Kenny and Phil, wanted to take a break from alcohol, so decided to abstain for the month of July, coining it their 'Dry July'.

Very wet and very dry: unprecedented droughts and hyper-damaging floods in the future

The world will be pushed to more weather extremes in coming decades, according to two studies which carry stark warnings of floods and droughts, respectively.

Australian-first Surf Series and workshops ends in Lennox Head on Sunday

It might be cold outside but that's not stopping women who love to surf and over 100 women and girls will participate in the first female event series in Australia on Sunday at Lennox Head.

It’s plastic free July!

Did you know that plastic packaging and single-use plastic items make up 60 per cent of all litter in NSW?