Apparently the Big B is destroying the Big O.
Yep, a new study from the University of Cardiff has found that women who use Botox are less likely to reach or experience an orgasm to their fullest satisfaction! And no, it’s not because the paralysing toxin has travelled from your forehead to your G spot. It’s not accumulating in your clit. Your pussy hasn’t gone all Pompeii.
It’s because reaching orgasm isn’t just about your genitals, girls, it’s about how much face you put in. That’s right, if you want to come with reckless abandon then you have to be able to experience the full movement of your face! You need to be able to pull off a pretty impressive open-mouthed, arched-eyebrow, squinty-eyed ‘reckless abandon’ face.
Don’t believe me? Okay, so let’s try a little experiment. I would like all the ladies reading this to excuse themselves and retire for a little private time in front of a mirror (at home, not a public bathroom). In the interests of science, not smut, I’d like you to bring yourself to orgasm while watching your face. For science. If you like you can download a nude pic of Dr Karl to make it more sexy sciencey.
Now in any experiment it’s important to have a ‘control’ – which means in order for us to minimise the effects of variables other than the independent variable we need you to masturbate twice. We need a control of your losing control. Just go for it. As you start to climb towards climax have a look at your face. I want you to really notice how much face you put into your orgasms.
What’s happening ON your head is apparently in direct correlation to what’s happening IN your head. And in your pants. I would suggest a video but I fear the whole ‘I was doing if for science’ story might not wash when you accidentally post it on Facebook. Okay.
Give yourself a few moments for a reset. (Yes, we can do that.) And go again. Have a cup of tea, refresh that pic of Karl and let your fingers do the walking. This time you need to try to keep your face frozen.
Having an expressionless orgasm is a bit like trying to sneeze with your eyes open. It’s pretty well impossible. Or at least a lot less enjoyable. A full facially active orgasm is a lot more powerful than a facially inactive one.
You might want to try this experiment a few more times just to make sure you achieved the most accurate results. Maybe try it in bed with your partner. I did last night with my husband. I said, ‘Tonight I am going to just try and have sex with no expression’. I’m not sure if it worked or not because I fell asleep.
This is an urgent public health message! Women need to know that botox might stop wrinkles but it could also stop toe-curling, mind-altering, nail-biting episodes of absolute ecstasy.
Researchers believe there is a direct link between facial expression and your ability to enjoy an orgasm because there are links between your brain’s predicating your mood based on your facial expressions. If you want to come you need some forehead action. If you have had heaps of botox in your head and you can’t move your face then your brain will think you aren’t having fun which will lead to you feeling numb upstairs AND downstairs. Maybe you’ll still climax but instead of busting the dial out on an 11 or having a late-afternoon session where you crank out a glass-shattering 13, you’ll be fumbling around for an eon flicking the bean for a very passive two or three. More like channel surfing than riding the big wave home.
Botox could be taking the O O O out of your sex life. How can that be worth it? It’s just another reason to say No to Botox and Yes Yes Yes to wrinkles. I’ll make peace with my laugh lines, and my frown lines as long as I get to keep my come lines.
Anyway, turning the light off is better than any Botox – one flick of the switch and I’m 21 again. And again. And again.