Hi. I’m Mandy Nolan, and I’m launching a brand-new social-media platform for mums who aren’t good looking. Mums with shitty lives no-one wants. Mums like you and me.
Mums who have fat, unattractive or surly kids with bland names and no social skills. Mums who don’t have husbands, or if they do they’re tradies, or they gamble, or they earn a minimum wage.
This is a social-media platform for Mums who have to work. They don’t get to stay home and take pictures of themselves being Mums – they’re only ever home in the early morning or at the end of the day because they’ve got a shit job on a minimum wage.
My social media platform is for Mums who cry in the middle of the night about how unhappy they are. Or how tired. Or how worn down. Or how angry. Yep, there’re a lot of very angry Mums on my platform. That’s why most of them are drunk by 9pm, collapsed on the kitchen bench.
Hash tag: IKEA lifestyle. Yep these are Mums with IKEA kitchens with marble-look laminate, not blonde beechwood hand milled by a chai-drinking palette-furniture-making hippie with a topknot and who chants Om Mani Padme Hum.
Welcome to Mumstagram. It’s not for influencers. It’s for ‘under-the-influencers’. Women who drink to kill the pain of their unimaginable life full of thankless burden. We’ll feature pictures of giant piles of unsorted washing. Dishes piled up in the sink. Bins so full of rubbish they are spilling onto the floor.
Mumstagram will also feature pics of Mums who’ve let themselves go struggling to get into their jeans. Or perhaps trying to choose between which one of their last-season Rockmans tops to wear to cover the muffin-top.
Mumstagram is for women who don’t wear white frolicking with their small children. These mums don’t frolic. They sit on their towels sulking. Mumstagram really focuses on Mums of teenagers… and who doesn’t love pics of those adorable adolescents. There’s nothing cuter than your 14-year-old boy giving you the finger, or your 15-year-old cutting herself in the bedroom.
There’s even a whole I-used-plastic-that’s-why-my-kid’s-smoking-weed section. It gets a lot of hits. Mumstagram even has a special you-ruined-my-life-you-fat-bitch emoticon for when you take the devices from the kids for sending dic pics.
And no Mumstagram site would be complete without the workout section. That’s where Mums document their ‘intent’ or ‘attempt’ to exercise. This will feature women rolling over and smashing the alarm with their fists then going back to sleep. Dragging a recycling bin up the road chasing a rubbish truck in t-shirt sans undies at 6am. And everyone’s favourite: the camel-toe collection. This is where chubby Mums see how many followers they can get with their toe of the season in their Kmart polyester tracky dax.
Mumstagram features Mums doing Naff Mum stuff, and so you can tell, and to diminish its relevance, we put an M in front of it. So we have Moga, and Milatees, of course Murfing, and Morseriding for the Mums who can still throw their leg over. We’ve even got merch. So we’ve made the world’s’ first menstrual cup/keep cup. One of the big challenges for our Mumstagrams is carrying aforementioned cup in the car, but pop it into the vagina and it’s always on hand! And bonus is the coffee shop has to wash it! That’s one less job for Mum!
It’s for those of you with unfulfilling lives lived in messy houses with ungrateful children and inattentive husbands. For those of you dying on the inside and sick to death of privileged white girls romping on lush lawns with amber-bead-wearing toddlers called Phoenix or Gravel, get on Mumstagram. Mumstagram is full of users.
Because everyone loves to use a Mum.