You can’t have a pandemic without a conspiracy theory. The COVID-19 conspiracies have sprung up almost as quickly as the virus. Some are incurable. One is that the American government developed it and brought it over to the International Military Games, held in Wuhan, in October 2019. The theory posits this was to cripple the rising Chinese superpower. Unfortunately, although the dates line up, America seems to have brought itself down as well. Two sick superpowers equals very stupidpower. So that conspiracy theory goes on the stupidity-is-a-pandemic-too heap.
Then there’s the theory that the Chinese developed COVID-19 to kill pensioners. While it certainly would free up a lot of property, some seats on the bus, and get rid of those pesky elderly, it is both racist and entirely irrational to believe the Chinese are into geronticide. There are much more efficient and targeted ways of killing the elderly – westerners have been using loneliness, abandonment and incarceration in nursing homes for years.
We’re loving the Made In China conspiracies – particularly the one that COVID-19 was created to destroy the Western economic system. If that were the case, they’re doing pretty well, but seeing as China gets so much of its wealth and power from the Western economic system, it’s financially illogical.
Then there’s the 5G theory. Wuhan has the new 5G. This theory purports that the deaths aren’t from the virus – but from a cell break-down that mimics a virus. It doesn’t explain the contagion aspect, that is, how people who live in areas where there is no 5G get the virus. Unless… when you sneeze, the 5G comes out of your nose. And did you know that 5G can stay on a metal surface for days!? Thank god for Spray and Wipe! Furthermore, tests for 5G actually started in Germany, not China. And if it was the 5G flu, then the pandemic would have kicked off there. Actually, if it was the 5G flu then it would make sense – because we’ve never needed super-fast internet more than we do now! Dying for a phone plan? Worldwide 5G is here, but soon you won’t be!
Another theory is that it’s Bill Gates. Apparently there’s a 2015 coronavirus patent for the development of a vaccine for a specific type of coronavirus found in chickens. It’s been argued that the Gates Foundation funded the 2015 patent, and engineered a global pandemic for personal profit. Gates then gave a presentation at the Massachusetts Medical Society and New England Journal of Medicine event in 2018, and discussed how the global health community would be equipped if we had a pandemic of something like the Spanish flu. This might seem like too much to be a coincidence, but the medical community have been having this discussion since the 1918 pandemic. And Gatesy only has the vax patent for the chicken variant.
So, if it’s not big pharma… is it Big Toilet Paper? Is COVID-19 a Kimberley-Clarke creation? Instead of chemtrails, will planes release toilet paper in long white streaks across the sky?
Some think there was a relationship between the virus and the Corona beer manufacturers. 38 per cent of people surveyed in a study in the US wouldn’t buy the beer anymore, and their stock price plummeted to an all time low. I don’t know if that’s a causal conspiracy, or just proof of stupidity.
So, who benefits the most from social distancing and self-confinement? Netflix. And guess what their new docuseries is? It’s called Pandemic: How to Prevent an Outbreak. Now that’s an impressive international marketing strategy! It’s a shame it wasn’t released last year. Or was it?
This coronavirus is real. It’s not a conspiracy. It’s time to stay calm. Connect with your community via your devices. Be nice to your family. Go outside and do some gardening. Sit in the sun. Wash your hands. Stay socially distanced. Don’t believe bullshit reports, or circulate fear-causing memes. Laugh. It will boost your immunity. And be bloody grateful (again) that you don’t live in America.