As a writer you never really know what is going to strike a chord with your audience. What will inspire them? Make them think? Make them change their mind? Make them angry? After more than two decades of publishing I am still surprised by what rocks a reader’s boat. About a week ago I discovered that a lot of people have strong opinions on the humble iceberg. I’m not talking about the one that took out theTitantic. I’m talking about the one that has been sinking wallets at the supermarket. Where Leonardo de Caprio stands behind me in the fruit and veg, my hair lifting from the force of the air vent, Celine blasting in the speakers. At this price I’m not sure my salad will go on.
About a week ago I made a post on my socials about the price of lettuce. I didn’t think it was controversial. I’d spied an $11 iceberg in Melbourne, I’d heard a story on Radio National about the impact of flooding on lettuce crops in the Lockyer Valley, and I’d read an article about McDonald’s having to use cabbage on their burgers. It was safe to say that climate change had hit the iceberg. So I made a post about it on Facebook (Fb). 1.3k responses later I realised that when it comes to talking about climate there are a lot of people taking their lettuce down the rabbit hole.
After all the radical things I’ve said, it turns out it’s my extreme view on lettuce that is the tipping point. It’s clear that there are bunch of very angry peeps out there who don’t like their greens – either on the plate or in parliament. Charlie has a photo on his Fb holding a giant fish. I imagine he caught it in a marine park. Rules don’t apply to this dickhead. Or science. He’s not a fan. He says, ‘People who vote greens need there head read. To bad about your lettuce. I’m having steak tonight and fresh fish tomorrow. Your lot pushed for this climate b’s now live with it.’ (sic)Clearly Charlie thinks that we made climate change by talking about it. It was a marketing exercise. It’s our fault. He’s not a fan of science, salad or spelling. He does however like fish.
Ken from Cairns told me to get my hands dirty. Then he accused me of living in the inner city. Actually, a lot of people told me I was from the city. Mullumbimby might be the biggest little town, but it’s not Sydney. Peter from ‘out west’ somehow thinks I want to get rid of farmers, and Bradley from Brisbane says ‘oh to be young again and imagine that everything is happening to me for the first time in human history. Love, tragedy, vegetable shortages.’ I kind of liked that one. Bradley just hates ALL young people (anyone under 60) and he doesn’t appreciate them shit-talking lettuce.
John who lives in Sydney tries the old ‘do you walk to work, thought not. Green flog hypocrisy.’ I didn’t have the heart to tell him I work from home. Kevin from Kempsey is a genius. He says ‘there are so many gullible people who listen to scientists’. Kevin loves cars, boats and big scary dogs. I get the feeling Kev has never met a scientist, or eaten a lettuce. Rosie seems like ‘a nice quiet woman’. There’s a photo of her smiling in her wedding dress, but it turns out, according to her Fb she’s fighting tyranny. Well, in between Botox appointments. And my shutting down lettuce price conversations is part of her remit. ‘Shut up about climate change. What a load of crap.’ She then starts raving on about TikTok.
Sometimes you think you’ve heard everything; that people can’t surprise you. But they can. Somewhere in the climate conversation, lurking in the shadows are the real problem: the lettuce deniers. They want to shut down the conversation. These are not salad people.
But I will not be silenced. I am a woman of lettuce.
For four decades The Echo has printed the stories some people loved, some people hated, and some pretended not to read. If you want us to keep telling the truth, the real truth, not the sugar-coated version. We’ll need your support to keep the presses rolling. 
