The emphasis on spending time with family during this upcoming holiday season is an enduring, annual reminder of being part of a blended family.
I’ve had a stepfather for as long as I’ve been able to consciously remember.
He is a kind and compassionate Italian man that has shown up for almost every major hurdle and milestone in my life. We speak every day, sometimes multiple times. He intentionally chose to take me under his wing (as the excess baggage of my mother).
More than the stereotype
Still, one phrase always stands out for me in the above recollection – ‘step’.
For those of us blessed with the ability to have actively involved stepparents; the label itself, steeped in negative stereotypes, doesn’t authentically match the reality.
This four-letter word has determined many things well before I could even understand their meaning: legal recognition, biological connection and when I was growing up… preconceptions.
Having a stepfather has allowed me to master the art of referring to my father by his first name – confusing for a kid when everyone else could call him that too.
With this ‘step’ relationship has also come other extended family ties: a stepbrother, stepgrandparents, stepuncles and stepcousins.
Beyond the ‘step’
Despite the close relationship I have with these people (my family) – their relationship appears to be blocked by a literal ‘step’ in the way. A disconnect by surname and blood.
Recent Census data suggests that of all family units in Australia, approximately 8.5 per cent involve a steprelationship and the number is increasing. Clearly, I am not alone – if anything (for once in my life) I am part of a trend.
But it does make me question at what point we can leave off the ‘step’? Particularly, where the parent and their family has been so integrated into your life and being, that it’s (almost) all you know.
One solution appears to be varying the terminology itself.
In many Scandinavian countries, the term ‘bonus’ parent or ‘bonus’ family has been used for years to reflect the rise of blended family units. A term that emphases the opportunities that having a stepparent brings; rather than the gap created between stepparent and stepchild is. Undeniably, such a focus works to shift negative connotations and societal attitudes towards stepparenting.
(Although, I wonder how that would’ve sounded in the playground during my childhood… and whether or not it would’ve gotten me egged.)
It’s your choice
Ultimately, this rant is not aimed at advocating for a new, catch-all term to regulate step-relations, or the relations of others. I am fiercely in support of autonomy.
While their symbolism means a great deal to me, these are only words. Words, whose appropriateness and relevance, should be determined within the homes, and guided by the relationships of the very people impacted by them.
I have friends who would immediately correct me if I referred to their stepfather as such, ‘No, you mean my mum’s husband!’ I can’t imagine ‘bonus’ would add much value in that instance.
Perhaps I’ve been wrong to pay attention to the formality of a title that matters even less at my current age. Writing this now helps me to see that.
The only credible solution for me appears to be to let the term go; as well as what it represents. So, if anyone is looking for me during the end of year festivities – I’ll be with my dads and mum (and the rest).
For four decades The Echo has printed the stories some people loved, some people hated, and some pretended not to read. If you want us to keep telling the truth, the real truth, not the sugar-coated version. We’ll need your support to keep the presses rolling. 
