Good-looking people get away with more than ugly people. It’s a fact. The only people who wouldn’t agree with this are beautiful people. But that’s because they’ve been batting their long lashes and getting away with murder for years. In fact if they do want to murder someone, beautiful people generally just hire an ugly person to do it. Have a look at who’s in jail. I don’t want to be cruel, but there ain’t no faces from Australia’s next top model pressed up against the glass. Nope.
Sorry, ‘not beautiful’ people, it’s not enough being ‘ugly’ and spending your life feeling overlooked; turns out you have to work harder as well. Oh, and you won’t be paid as well. Or get the credit for all the hard work you do. A good-looking person will swoop in and get that. However, your job, unattractive people, is still important. Because if you didn’t exist, then being beautiful would be meaningless. If everyone were beautiful, then no-one would be.
Beautiful people only exist because of the ugly default. They need us. Beautiful people find it hard to get other beautiful people to do things for them. That’s why their marriages never work. Look at Brad and Ange. All that radiant gorgeousness deflecting off the other, and neither of them ever managing to put the bin out. Beautiful people need plain people so someone else can take the blame; they get to move the boxes, to make the bed, to bury the body. That’s right, fellow ugly people. Grab that shovel and start digging. You will always work harder and get less credit than the beautiful people.
It’s why ageing used to be such an awesome thing. It was the great leveller. Beautiful people lost their beauty. They joined the ranks of the plain and the passed-over and suddenly had to get useful. For some it came as a bit of a shock to find a book at 40 but now there’s Botox they’re no longer needed. Thanks to plastic surgery, and injecting more fillers than a bean-bag factory, beautiful people can remain useless forever!
Beautiful people say naff things about being beautiful all the time – pretending it doesn’t mean anything to them. It’s a lie. It means everything to them. They just don’t want the ugly people who do shit for them to wake up to the beauty rort. The genius Jennifer Lopez has been quoted putting her spin on the adage ‘beauty is only skin deep’. JLo goes on to say, ‘I think what’s really important is finding a balance of mind, body and spirit’. Well, that’s a load of bullshit.
If I want insight on the subject, I turn to an ugly woman such as Dorothy Parker. This thin-lipped social commentator, satirist and poet nailed it with her quip ‘Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bones’. Sounds nasty? Nope. Parker was speaking from experience, and decades later we’ve followed it up with a study that actually proves that life favours attractive people. It’s called the ‘beauty bias’ and it means attractive people are not just ascribed more positive personality traits such as intelligence and kindness; they are also given unfair advantages in both the workplace and legal proceedings.
Apparently beautiful women also have an easier time taking advantage of men financially. (Beautiful women have been informally conducting that research since Cleopatra got Mark Antony to kiss her asp.) It’s not exactly clear why we behave differently towards attractive people; perhaps it’s that we are more open to unfair offers from attractive people or deep down we all believe inner beauty is for fat people. Or perhaps it’s just that at the end of the day we let beautiful people get away with stuff because we’re after a root. Although I wouldn’t know. I’m too beautiful.