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February 28, 2021

Mandy Nolans Soapbox: Les Enfants Terribles & the Fight for the Bike

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Mandy Nolans Soapbox: Les Enfants Terribles & The Fight for the Bike


I have privileged white man fatigue. Frankly I’m sick of the pricks. The recent Liberal party room ‘I want a turn’ tantrum just left me and a lot of Australians cold.

Why is our country being run by ugly white bald baby men? I should clarify: balding men in suits look like giant ugly babies in onesies to me. It’s ironic: in NZ the PM had a baby, but here the PM and his crew ARE babies. New babies are gorgeous. Old Babies are gross. Our politicians behave exactly like babies. Parliament is the playroom for these enfants terribles.

I can see them bawling and sucking their thumbs perched on the Speaker’s lap for the upcoming Xmas Santa photos. Swinging their little leggies, whispering their Xmas wish to Santa to have a turn at prime minister.

I imagine the babies in the Lib party room last week, aka creche (owned by Dutton of course), on their backs kicking their trousered legs in the air crying. ‘Malcolm’s had a long turn. I want a turn. He gets all the turns.’ (We are substituting ‘turns’ here for ‘terms’… for those who may have missed my simplistic leadership metaphor).

Malcolm is in the corner, looking like he’s going to cry. No, he is crying. His bottom lip is out and it’s quivering. He’s on the little wooden motorbike and he won’t get off. His friend Matty says it’s okay. He wants him to have a long turn. Even the teacher says it’s still Malcolm’s turn so he can stay on, but the other babies are angry. They don’t want to wait for Malcolm’s turn to finish.

When Malcolm finishes his turn they’re worried that another group of babies might steal the bike away. It looks like Pete is going to push Malcolm off. Pete is a really ugly mean baby. He likes taking toys from other babies a lot. He helped lock a whole lot of brown babies in a jail. Those brown babies aren’t allowed in. He’s a bad baby. But he’s so good at being bad everyone thinks he’s good.

And besides he’s got Tony, the other big mean sulky baby ,with him. Tony has had a turn on the bike already, but he secretly thinks the bike is his. Even if he doesn’t get a go on the bike he just wants Malcolm off. He wants Malcolm to know what it feels like when someone wrecks your turn on the bike. This is because Malcolm took the bike from Tony when he was having his turn and he can’t get over it.

Then there’s Julie. She thinks she’s going to get a go, but that’s silly. Girl babies don’t get to ride boy bikes. Sometimes the boys let her get on the back when they’re having their turn. They even let her clean the bike. Julie will never get to ride the bike on her own. The boys let Julie line up anyway because they need lots of angry babies to scare Malcolm off the bike.

Malcolm’s not stupid; he knows that he won’t get to have his proper turn now. So he slips off the bike quietly and goes and sits on the bench at the back of the playroom. It’s the one the babies call the ‘back bench’. It’s for babies who probably won’t be getting any more turns on the bike. He might have to leave the creche all together. They might even have to call his Mummy to come and pick him up because his play time at the party is over.

For a second, no-one is on the bike. And then Scottie jumps on. Now it’s Scottie’s turn. No-one even knew he even wanted one. Scottie is pushing himself around the playroom floor on the little bike to the delight of most of the other babies and he’s off his face with the thrill of being in control. He’s yelling out random shit like ‘everyone will get a go, a fair go, if you want a go you get a go, so don’t go until you get a go because everything must go. That’s right, everyone gets a go.’

Except for the babies who don’t get a go. Like the brown babies locked up. In a room on another island. Scottie certainly won’t be letting them have a go. To think Peter nearly got the bike! That would have been silly, because then we would have had Dutton dressed up as PM. HELP!

We have reached peak privileged white man. Please! Can anyone who is not an ageing privileged white man please be given a turn? If anyone is going get a fair go in this country it’s time for some systemic change. It’s time we stole the bike.

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  1. Problen is these ghastly bald babies have the power to wreck not only government but the environment for thier own greed

  2. Send those babies to Early Intervention,
    so they can learn to play, take turns, and manage their emotions and actions responsibly. ..
    BTW Byron Bay has an exellant facility. ..

  3. Will the real conservatives please stand up? It’s the Left where the censorship and unsustantiated critique comes from, the acrimony and pointed bone. The Left is winning its campaign. And cares not a fig for facts, it’s about scare mongering and sleight of hand slights. The comedy devolves into bashing the opposition. And Labor says nothing because they need the preferences and support in the Senate, they collude like jacks of hearts with the Greens of clubs.

  4. Mandy…you rock…you finally made me laugh about something that is truly deplorable (I wanna go on the bike…oh wait I have a front bottom… *bottom lip quivering…tanty rising*)


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