Mandy Nolans Soapbox: Two feet under

The internet is a very strange place. It does things to you when you’re sleeping. Today I was looking for an old article I wrote, so I googled myself. It was something I’d written on ‘feet’ as a soapbox in 2018. It came up as one of the first searches. But so did something else. I came across a super weird subject header in the google list. ‘Rate Mandy Nolan’s Feet’. What the? Surely that’s not me. Oh no, there’s photos. Fuck. It’s me. I have to look now. I find myself on wikiFeet – a self-proclaimed ‘collaborative celebrity feet website’ – looking at my own feet. My own feet put up for other people to rate.

I feel my feet turn red with shame.

My feet are famous apparently. Here I am, a 55-year-old woman still working the circuit as a stand-up comic, putting up her own posters in cafes, sticking my own signage up on roadsides, and meanwhile, quietly, my feet have been pursuing a career of their own. They are the lazy passengers of my ambition. My feet are sex workers. Or they could be, if they went on some sort of Only Fans for feet. They should call it Only Feet. I laugh to myself, but then realise that’s a google hole I should never go down.

Someone has sniffed out my feet. I can’t get over it. It’s like I was touched in the night by a bot. I can feel the electronic buzz of the algorithm’s fingers touching my toe. How did my feet get on a website for rating celebrity feet? Someone has gone to the trouble of finding six photos where you can see my feet, and uploading them so that people who like to look at feet can have a squiz. My naked feet, sitting on a chair. My feet in sandals. All that time I thought you were looking at my face! Bloody podophiles. Creepy people who get off looking at toes. Someone quietly pleasuring themselves over my imperfect ‘plates-of-meat’.

Freud claimed people sexualise feet because they resemble penises. Do they? According to Freud everything is a penis. Even his tootbrush. It’s a very simplistic answer, but I guess it encapsulates the toe-sucking fetish. In my google hole I find out about a man from the US who was known as the Toe Suck Fairy. He approached women, made comments about their feet and asked to suck their toes. He had previously served a prison sentence for being a foot perp. He even pretended to be a podiatrist in order to fondle and suck a woman’s toes at a clothing store. This bothered me. Firstly, what podiatrist sees their clients in women’s fashion stores? And two, at no point in training is it recommended the clinician encircle a fungal toe with their hot wet mouth. It’s just not a treatment protocol. How did the Toe Suck Fairy even think he’d get away with it? Feetal attraction.

But I keep thinking about my feet. The two friends tapping on the floor as I write this – excited that it’s about them. My sock-wearing understudies.

I feel violated. There’s something super non-consensual about wikiFeet. I feel objectified – but I got rated four out of five stars – so I feel flattered at the same time. It’s a heady mix of elation, shock and disgust. Who even rates feet? Who searches ‘Mandy Nolan feet’ on google? Well, except me. Looking for a past article. I mean, someone out there went through all my photos on facebook and the internet and selected ones where my feet are visible.

Okay, so I just googled ‘Only Feet’ and found out you can make up to $500 a day selling feet pics and videos on OnlyFans. Wow, that’s bizarre. And tempting. I mean my feet already have their own wiki page. It’s only a matter of time before they leave me to pursue their dreams.

My feet could earn more than I do.

I’ll think about it. In the meantime, I’m wearing covered shoes.

– Mandy Nolan