For years I have done a joke about my husband snoring. The truth is – my husband doesn’t really snore. He makes that weird breathing sound that’s a bit like a tiny leak in an air mattress. It’s annoying, but still kind of cute. The snorer was an ex. He snored like a chainsaw. I didn’t sleep but I got a joke that I have used for over 20 years. I told all the partners who came after that, if they loved me they had to accept that everyone would come to believe they had sleep apnoea.
I snore. It’s karma. Just as I used to do my gluten-intolerant jokes, and then I became gluten-intolerant, it turns out, that once again the joke’s on me. I snore. I now know what it’s like to be that person who is the object of social derision. The person who drives their partner nuts in the night. And not in a good way. The person who for some reason out of their control goes to bed a sweet angel, but sleeps like a chainsaw.
I did a sleep study. I don’t have sleep aponea. I am just annoying. I googled why you snore. Genetic. Can be lifestyle. Like are you a giant booze hound? I was. I haven’t drunk alcohol for almost three years now. And yes, the snoring is a lot less. Because the drunk snore is without a doubt THE WORST.
Other causes can be smoking. I stopped that too. So it’s helped, my snore is no longer in surround sound. And some nights I don’t snore at all. But if I’m tired it’s game over if you want to sleep beside me. Apparently I have little bursts. Some nights I am the DJ of my own throaty subwoofers. And please don’t record me to play me back. My husband tried that once and it was excruciating. I felt weirdly violated. Which was funny, because so did he.
The other snore cause is being a bit fat. And I’ve certainly given the scales a nudge. So I’ve dropped the kilos and I’m now a regular at the gym. And yes, the snoring has reduced but it’s not gone completely. Apparently when it comes to ageing sometimes you get a saggy throat. Gross. On the inside. There’s no machine at the gym that works out those muscles. Well not one I’m prepared to use in a public setting.
Someone told me about mouth taping. That’s when you tape your mouth shut. Weirdly that’s what so many people in my life have hoped I’d do for a long time. But when I’m awake, not sleeping. I have made a living out of an untaped mouth, it goes against my core values to tape my mouth shut at night. I tried it and I felt like a hostage. And the only tape I had was gaffer tape, so on the upside when I ripped it off I also gave myself a lip wax.
I tried the old sleeping on my side. It’s the best for me actually. If I sleep on my side I hardly ever snore. But the bogan in me wants to go face to ceiling. I pack in pillows like a retaining wall. But my sleeping self just chucks them on the floor and goes for the snore.
I decided to maybe make peace with my snore. Apparently there is some evolutionary purpose. Besides stopping wild beasts from tearing you apart, mainly because you’re scarier than any bear, it’s the announcement of vulnerability. The snorer provides auditory stimulus to those around them, fragmenting sleep and increasing alertness of their group, allowing both sleep and protection. Aha! I snore so my husband will protect me. I can’t wait to tell him that. At 3am when the walls are shaking with the deep meditative thrum of my sagging throat, if I imagine all the feelings he has for me, I don’t think protection is one of them.
So I snore. Any tips?
I’ve signed up for Face Yoga.
Mandy Nolan’s Soapbox column has appeared in The Echo for almost 23 years. The personal and the political often meet here; she’s also been the Greens federal candidate since before the last federal election. The Echo’s coverage of political issues will remain as comprehensive and fair as it has ever been, outside this opinion column which, as always, contains Mandy’s personal opinions only.
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