Mandy Nolan’s Soapbox: In a Pickle

Ok, I did it. I played pickleball. Originally I’d thought it just a game for seniors. And because of its low impact nature, originally it was. It was clearly invented by them. The older community tried to keep the pickle of excitement under wraps. What if other people find out about this highly social, very accessible way of engaging in a leisure activity?!

What is this crazy paddle and ball sport that is getting nannas off Candy Crush and back on the court? It’s pickleball. And millions of people around the world are getting into it. It’s the ultimate F-you to AI. It’s human interaction without digital interference. It’s simple. It’s sweaty. It’s silly. And it’s the fastest-growing sport in the world. That’s because it feels more like a game of cards than sport. Oh, yes they do use cards. You have to pick a card to see what court you’re on. The red 8’s play the black 8’s kind of thing. That’s so last century. Great to see the dusty old pack of cards put to good use.

Ok. Let me try and explain pickleball. Firstly there are no pickles. The ball doesn’t even resemble a pickle. I thought at first it was a name created to entice older folk off their Jason recliners. Put a pickle in it and nanna is up. There’s a few theories, but my favourite is that it was named after the inventor’s dog. So that will do.

So here’s a bit of a breakdown of how it’s played. There’s four people to a team, and you can have as many people as there are pickleball courts. A pickleball court is about one-quarter the size of a tennis court. It’s about six metres wide, and the player is in a zone just over six metres in length. So the big attraction is there’s not much court to cover, because there’s two players in each zone.

It’s kind of like, if tennis had sex with ping-pong and then dropped a little acid. And maybe a biscuit. You play with plastic paddles like a beach game from the 1970s and you hit this weird plastic ball with holes in it that looks a lot like a cat toy. The plastic is a bit of a push back on a world that should be curbing its plastic use. So you’ll be happy to know that eco-friendly pickleball paddles made from bamboo and recycled plastic are available. Just hardly anyone is probably using them yet.

Don’t be fooled by the shitty equipment. You can get some power in that serve. Which has to be underhand. Which feels a bit how you goin’. It’s clear an older safety-conscious woman invented this sport. No one has been knocked out by an underhand serve! Oh, and there’s a part of the court called a kitchen! Which is very confusing but there’s rules about when and how you go in there. Another sign that an older matriarch has had her hand in creating these bespoke pickleball nanna rules.

The ball has to bounce once on each side before you volley. No reason. Just control. Someone has to make up the rules. You keep going until the rally is lost. Same as tennis – generally it’s a line fault or you lose the rally. You can’t hit the ball on the full or volley in the kitchen. I don’t know why. The kitchen is the pickleball sacred space.

You can only win points on your serve. Don’t even ask me to explain the scoring. It’s nuts. People just call out random numbers. Like 2-3-5 or something like that. There are four people on the court and they call out three numbers. Someone told me it was confusing. It is. Sounds more like a bingo call than an actual score. I can’t explain it.

But most importantly, it’s fun.

Get off Netflix and get onto your local pickleball court.

• Mandy Nolan’s Soapbox column has appeared in The Echo for almost 23 years. The personal and the political often meet here; she’s also been the Greens federal candidate since before the last two federal elections. The Echo’s coverage of political issues will remain as comprehensive and fair as it has ever been, outside this opinion column which, as always, contains Mandy’s personal opinions only.