Mandy Nolan’s Soapbox: Bombed on Board

You can’t take nail clippers on a plane. They’re seen as a potential weapon. So trimmed toenails are out but booze is in. Yep – you can serve alcohol and lock people in a flying cylinder for up to 15 hours at a time. I haven’t seen the hard data, but anecdotally I reckon drunk men are more dangerous than a tiny pair of scissors.

Let me qualify that – not all drunk men. And of course, for the sake of equality – some drunk women. But a big drunk man who is clearly an out-of- control alcoholic? Yep that’s scary. And I’d say that’s more of a weapon than nail clippers.

It happened recently on my flight from Brisbane to Singapore. A large bloke got very clearly pissed. And very elevated. He was creating issues at the front of the plane where he was seated, so they brought him to the back of the plane, just two seats in front of me where they could keep an eye on him.

He didn’t love being refused service. He was using the call button like a DJ. Hitting that thing like a beat. The flight attendant would say, ‘I can’t give you any more alcohol sir,’ and he’d get agitated. He started banging on the seat in front. Punching the headrest. Which was very relaxing for the dude seated in 54B. A drunk angry man seated about two metres from a baby. What could be problematic with that?

The tension was palpable. Everyone on the plane was aware of drunk man. He got more attention than the inflight entertainment. He was the inflight entertainment. Drunk on a Plane. Not a movie you want to star in or, like us, be an extra in. Drunk man had his headphones on and was punching the air, standing up, swaying. It was weird. It looked, from my seat, like he was getting himself all geed up. The flight attendant kept returning to placate him with cans of coke. She was amazing. I wondered why they didn’t send one of the bald, bearded dudes. I’ve never been happier to have a diverse workforce. Then I realised, they are deescalating him. They have realised that any confrontation with a man could set him off.

Another passenger tells me they are considering turning the plane around. Wow. Drunk man can ground a flight. What a wild turkey. Right now, he’s coming off his booze high, hitting his cold turkey. And we’re all hoping he passes out. But he’s swaying and singing and being really disturbing. I am fixated on what he’s watching – then I see it. Bollywood. The dude is dancing to a Bollywood movie. I feel instantly calmer. He’s a drunk Bollywood fan.

After a few hours he starts to sober up. We land. I can feel the relief. I imagine the carnage of a big drunk man going off, on a flight. One sideways look from another bloke. One angry word and the guy would have exploded. We could all feel the danger. Even the babies were quiet. No one dared make a noise. It was like the whole plane had to go into deescalation. There was a bomb on the plane. A big drunk man. Bombed out of his brain.

In Australia 1 in 10 people meet the criteria for alcohol dependence. That makes the likelihood of service of alcohol leading to drunkenness pretty high. So don’t serve booze on the plane. Simple. I haven’t felt so unsafe in an enclosed environment for a long time. It was terrifying. There was nowhere to go. We were trapped.

I see drunk man at the baggage claim. He hasn’t got a clue what a spectacle he made of himself. How he frightened everyone into a frozen silence for hours. How he almost brought down the plane.

Time to ban drunks on planes.

Mandy Nolan’s Soapbox column has appeared in The Echo for almost 23 years. The personal and the political often meet here; she’s also been the Greens federal candidate since before the last two federal elections. The Echo’s coverage of political issues will remain as comprehensive and fair as it has ever been, outside this opinion column which, as always, contains Mandy’s personal opinions only.