Mandy Nolan’s Soapbox: Why We Need Men

We can end violence against women and girls. I have always believed that. Some think I’m unrealistic, but I’m not ready to surrender hope. 

I’ve marched the streets, I have written articles, I’ve lobbied politicians. I’ve had my own experiences and I’ve sat with women and listened to them recount stories of rape, violence, abuse and degradation. And I barely flinch. Because these stories of near-death, of torture and abuse, they’re so normalised that none of us are shocked. What shocks us is meeting a woman who has never experienced harm.  I don’t know a single woman who hasn’t experienced some sort of gendered violence.

I started marching for justice and safety  when I was 17. I’m 57. That’s 40 years of activism. Now I realise something important – we can’t do this alone. Until men get engaged in leading a conversation with other men, in being role models of equality and non-violence to their boys and their mates – until then it doesn’t matter how many times we take to the streets. It won’t end. We need men. We need them in a way it is good to be needed. As not just the cause, but the solution.

We need men to step up. We need them to lead. Because this is not our issue. This is theirs.

We have raised the alarm. We have led the conversations. We have done the heavy lifting. 

We have painted banners and given speeches. We have written PhDs and political doctrines. We have mobilised. Over and over and over again. We are tired.

So now, men, I call on you. Good men. The men who call themselves ‘nice’ guys. Our allies. You know who you are. Don’t sit quietly. Lead.

There are boys who need to hear from you. Go fetch them from the digital manosphere where they are exposed to misogynistic groups, blogs and forums that promote masculinity as some sort of opposition to feminism. Show them what the men in their community, in their lives, can do. Let them hear from you. Not digital voices of extremism and hate. Real voices of love and connection. 

Women have done so much work on who we are. On our fears. On our oppression. On our need to rise. On our resilience. On our recovery and on our resistance. Now it’s time for you to go deep. Because the solution to this puzzle, this final piece, is you. And this we finally realise – just as in a relationship we can’t change you with begging or pleading or facts or law or shaming, because we can’t change the behaviour at a structural level.

You have to dismantle the system that gives you privilege. That has made you powerful. That allows you to quietly be a nice bloke, because even if you’re not a perpetrator, you are a beneficiary of a broken system. It still works for you. Don’t be complicit.

This is your moment. To break through. Because as it turns out, men are in trouble. It’’s never too late to change. It’s never too late to address your behaviour. To seek help for your anger. To deal with your trauma.  Don’t create another generation of kids who’ve seen their dad hurt their mum. You can’t unsee that. It lives in your bones. It becomes part of your story.

So I call on those good men. They are many. Call out other men who make sexist and degrading jokes about women. Be a disruptor. Explain why those jokes underwrite violence. How those attitudes make the harm and the silence permissible. Time for talk is over. We need action. And the only action that I believe is going to deliver real change, is going to come from men. Be courageous. Take on tyranny.  Show there is another way. Don’t let our boys drift into a digital abyss of misogyny where hating women is normalised and celebrated. 

Be a man who speaks up. We are ready and waiting.

16 days of activism against gender based violence happens from Nov 25 – Dec 10.

Time for action.

The Echo’s coverage of political issues will remain as comprehensive and fair as it has ever been, outside this opinion column which, as always, contains Mandy’s personal opinions only.