21.5 C
Byron Shire
December 8, 2022

Mandy Nolan’s Soapbox: Pigeons, bums, and water: How your drugs got here

Latest News

NSW Labor candidate announced for Ballina

Andrew Broadley has been named the NSW Labor candidate for Ballina for the March 2023 election.

Other News

Monash report: women will wait 200 years for income equity

The first Australian Women’s Health and Wellbeing Scorecard: Towards equity for women from Monash University found that at current rates it will take 70 years to reach full-time employment equality with men, and more than 200 years to reach income equity.

Gort claims singles tennis title at Mullumbimby

Mullumbimby Tennis Club Championship finals were held last weekend and culminated with the open men’s singles where Steve Gort...

Climate change likely to bring more compound disasters

The 2022 floods have caused $5.3billion in damage. Black Summer bushfires caused almost $2.5 billion in damage. Three consecutive La Nina events, or multiple droughts and heatwaves likely to become more common.

Incredible screenings at Bangalow Film Festival

Bangalow Film Festival adds more incredible films to the 2023 program and, with a stack of special screenings still...

Urine sample test: new way to detect and screen for early stages of Alzheimer’s disease

When it comes to Alzheimer’s disease, an early diagnosis – one made well before signs of irreversible dementia are apparent – is key to providing effective intervention and treatment.

Waste solutions

Australia has a waste problem. Take plastic for example. Australians throw away around 179 million empty bottles of shampoo,...

In Colombia guards found 1.6 ounces of pot and 0.2 ounces of crack inside a pigeon’s backpack. Yep, a pigeon with a backpack.

If you’re going to traffic drugs you have to be creative. You can’t just load 1.8 tonnes of meth in a crate and expect it to arrive at the desired destination. That’s why people started using their bums as post packs. If you’re gonna get the deals on the street, you got to find a way to sneak the contraband past customs without alerting them to the illegal nature of your shipment. If you are gonna be a drug lord you better have done some theatre sports. Impro, baby. 

There have been some pretty innovative ways to move product. Inside the foreskin of the penis. It helps if you’re uncircumcised and you’re not smuggling weed. Cocaine has been found in lollipops, which makes Halloween trick or treating so much more appealing and in Colombia guards found 1.6 ounces of pot and 0.2 ounces of crack inside a pigeon’s backpack. Yep, a pigeon with a backpack. I am imagining the hours spent designing the prototype and the dude who had the job of putting backpacks on pigeons. I can imagine him in a room full of pigeons and tiny backpacks thinking ‘I used to kill people. Now I dress up birds.’

This week Aussie Intelligence stopped a massive amount of liquid methamphetamine leaving Hong Kong for New South Wales disguised as coconut water. I guess the fact it was called ‘meth water’ was the first clue. It was deep cover, drug cops dressed as Pilates instructors. It was an easy shipment to crack. The first tell was that it actually tasted good. After drinking the first crate Australian Intelligence were quoted as saying, ‘It’s actually made me more intelligent’. 

It’s a great idea. I mean, who would suspect coconut water? It’s meant to taste bad. I hate coconut water. I’ve never seen the appeal. I always thought it tasted like the liquid you find in the sink after you’ve washed up. Now I understand why so many people have been drinking it. It’s full of meth. People say it’s a natural source of energy. That it supports athletic performance. Now I know why. It’s clearly addictive. I’ve seen people breaking bad at yoga classes all over Byron. They’re not yoga devotees. They’re meth addicts. It’s very clever. Talk about disrupting the stereotypes. While the cops are watching the dude in the trakky daks and the sketchy singlet, it’s the Instagram mum of two in the Lorna Janes who’s the culprit. She might be face down on a yoga mat, but she’s pushing the juice. 

Apparently this was very strong coconut water. It had a street value of more than half a billion dollars. Thanks to law enforcement, they’ve taken coconut water off the street. That’s a sad day for coconut water lovers all over the country. People at doofs all over the country waiting for coconut water that will never turn up. It certainly changes the feel of that Lou Reed song ‘I’m waiting for my man. Coconut Water in my hand’. 

According to mainstream media, ‘The harsh reality is that Australia’s problem of illicit coconut water use is bankrolling a raft of dangerous and brutal cartels, triads, and outlaw motorcycle gangs’. Never trust a biker on a health kick. What’s next? Bone broth? (Awesome way of disposing of bodies of coconut water distributors who squeal.) So if you see a bunch of bikers roll into town forcing coconut water on old ladies, the gig’s up. It’s not a start up. It’s a drug deal. These aren’t juicers. They’re dealers.

What a massive waste of resources. You want a simpler solution? Just legalise drugs. But make coconut water illegal. 


Support The Echo

Keeping the community together and the community voice loud and clear is what The Echo is about. More than ever we need your help to keep this voice alive and thriving in the community.

Like all businesses we are struggling to keep food on the table of all our local and hard working journalists, artists, sales, delivery and drudges who keep the news coming out to you both in the newspaper and online. If you can spare a few dollars a week – or maybe more – we would appreciate all the support you are able to give to keep the voice of independent, local journalism alive.

3 COMMENTS

LEAVE A REPLY

Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here

Varroa mite Red Zone expansion

Varroa mites are the most serious pest to honeybees worldwide, and can destroy honey bee colonies if left unchecked and the current eradication zone has been expanded.

Tyalgum ready to celebrate the festive season

Tyalgum are looking forward to a very exciting Festive Season as the alternative route to town is now upgraded and they are looking forward to an exciting range of events are on.

Take action against 15 months jail for climate protester

Northern Rivers locals are gathering in Lismore this Saturday to protest the imprisonment of non-violent climate activist Deanna ‘Violet’ Coco who stopped one lane of traffic on the Sydney Harbour Bridge in April.

Agritourism policy forced upon LGAs

The NSW Department of Planning and Environment (DPE) has ignored Byron Shire Council’s urgent request to delay the forced adoption of the NSW government’s agritourism policy. The policy came into effect last week in all local government areas (LGAs).