I am driving on the highway and there’s a giant ute up my butt. It’s making me nervous. I can feel the ‘get out of my way’ energy. I’m a menopausal woman. I don’t respond to coercion.
It’s one of those super big muscle utes. Twin cab. Black. It’s a monster truck. Tinted windows. I am doing 109 ks. It’s 110 speed limit and this bloke won’t back off. He’s angry. His ute looks angry. It’s a Ram. I wonder who named it? Because I reckon it pretty well describes how this dude lives his life. He Rams. Rams his ute up the back of fellow drivers. Rams his beliefs down your throat. Rams his fist into someone’s face when they have a go at his driving. I find myself wishing they’d named his ute something more chill, like chill, or gentle, or accept. I mean what tradie is gonna drive the Dodge Accept? Or the more aptly named Dodge Tiny Dick?
Who names cars? Someone somewhere is sitting in a room coming up with these stupid names. Names they think will reflect our driving egos. That’s the dickhead we become when we get behind a wheel. Because it happens. Not many of us become better people behind the wheel. Not even the Dalai Lama. That’s why he prefers to travel by foot.
Car monikers used to be more animal-inspired, like Mustang, or Falcon, or Impala. Generally fast animals. No one was going to drive the Suzuki Sloth. Or the Chrysler Koala. Suburu Snail. The Toyota Tortoise. But maybe, if you have road safety in mind, maybe the Lexus Loris is all that’s standing between the marketing department and actually decreasing the road toll.
When all the kids were at home I was driving a seven seater van. You don’t feel sexy in a mum van. It was the Kia Carnival. And yes, to be fair, with the five kids on board crying, punching each other and throwing food it was a circus. Carnival was an upbeat name for what it feels like to declare to the world that you suck at contraception.
I was thinking of some good names for people movers to encourage more socially conscious breeding. The Volkswagon Vasectomy? The Tarago Tubal Ligation? The Honda Hysterectomy. The Kia Condom. I really missed my calling. I shouldn’t have been naming kids, I should have been naming cars!
There have been some very big fails in the car naming department. Did you know Mitsubishi bought out the Mum 500 micro car. They also came out with one of my faves: The Mini Active Urban Sandal. That sounds like a foreign film. Then there was the Ford Probe. That’s a watch and act.
We all had a big laugh when we found out that the Pajero was having sales issues in Europe and South America because Pajero in Spanish means wanker. It made me think that maybe it’s a good idea to name vehicles after our less favourable characteristics? The Nissan Narcissist? The Suzuki Sociopath? The Mercede Manipulator. The Tesla Tyrant?
Ok, I’m done. I’m off to my tank. I’m not kidding. How’s that for a car name for a woman committed to non-violence? In my defence, the Gandhi hasn’t hit the market yet.
Mandy, there is the Nissan N-Trail (replacement for X -Trail). & always the Nissan Cedric!
Perhaps the ´I-Car-E´ for the thoughtful EV….
Not to mention the Nissan Qashqai. Qashqai means ‘horse with white forehead’ and is the name of a semi-nomadic tribe in Iran. The Qashqai is renowned for its brave warriors and beautiful textiles. Not too fast, but fast enough. Not 4WD, but goes where you really need to be. Happily does the speed limit. And can stick it up to all those big, dumb, black utes..
You have such a wonderful creative mind Mandy. Great article, as usual!
Do hope you get to Canberra!
You have a point Mandy. The M1 is a jungle when it comes to tailgaters and aggro drivers. Even at the scene of a road accident some people don’t want to slow down and often video the scene on their phones as they drive by.
Pajeros indeed.
Always love your articles Mandy. On point and to heart.
I’m thankful I don’t have to run the gauntlet of the M1 often. Aggro drivers are increasing. Scary shit. Go Mandy, can’t wait for your honesty and caring in Canberra. Go Mandy, go the Greens!
Can’t drive on a motorway here : in France&Italy buses&big trucks aren’t allowed speed higher than 80 kms/hr. Allowed only on first lane .
We just came back from Tasmania: what a dream to drive there: polite,letting you to merge ,never cutting ( only a ute with Queensland plates did it once) in front .
Love this, Mandy! One of your best!
You’ve brightened my day …thank you!
Mandy you ain’t gonna believe this. The Dodge Ram has a model called the Big Horn. Obviously their fixation on their own wildlife
doesn’t translate well to OZ speak. What a mob of Pajeros.
HaHaHa
Usually I like your offbeat and strange woke rants.
BUT
Only the slow thinking and ignorant dont…
KEEP LEFT UNLESS OVERTAKING
You may have seen a sign or two saying that on the freeway.
You are NOT the police
You have no idea if the guy behind you is a guy
You wouldn’t know if he was going to hospital to take his wife to have her baby
You wouldn’t know if he/she was a murderer escaping from the police
You certainly are a danger on the roads and a very foolish person with literally no idea.
If I see you on the roads I shall pull over and give you a wide….. berth.
KEEP LEFT UNLESS OVERTAKING
Be told Oh Dangerous One
Be told.
Ps I drive a V8 Toyota Landcruiser (to tow my 40′ boat and 35′ caravan)
There isn’t a Toyota Tortoise , Mandy , but the old Toyota Tercel was popularly called the Toyota Turtle.