I am driving on the highway and there’s a giant ute up my butt. It’s making me nervous. I can feel the ‘get out of my way’ energy. I’m a menopausal woman. I don’t respond to coercion.
It’s one of those super big muscle utes. Twin cab. Black. It’s a monster truck. Tinted windows. I am doing 109 ks. It’s 110 speed limit and this bloke won’t back off. He’s angry. His ute looks angry. It’s a Ram. I wonder who named it? Because I reckon it pretty well describes how this dude lives his life. He Rams. Rams his ute up the back of fellow drivers. Rams his beliefs down your throat. Rams his fist into someone’s face when they have a go at his driving. I find myself wishing they’d named his ute something more chill, like chill, or gentle, or accept. I mean what tradie is gonna drive the Dodge Accept? Or the more aptly named Dodge Tiny Dick?
Who names cars? Someone somewhere is sitting in a room coming up with these stupid names. Names they think will reflect our driving egos. That’s the dickhead we become when we get behind a wheel. Because it happens. Not many of us become better people behind the wheel. Not even the Dalai Lama. That’s why he prefers to travel by foot.
Car monikers used to be more animal-inspired, like Mustang, or Falcon, or Impala. Generally fast animals. No one was going to drive the Suzuki Sloth. Or the Chrysler Koala. Suburu Snail. The Toyota Tortoise. But maybe, if you have road safety in mind, maybe the Lexus Loris is all that’s standing between the marketing department and actually decreasing the road toll.
When all the kids were at home I was driving a seven seater van. You don’t feel sexy in a mum van. It was the Kia Carnival. And yes, to be fair, with the five kids on board crying, punching each other and throwing food it was a circus. Carnival was an upbeat name for what it feels like to declare to the world that you suck at contraception.
I was thinking of some good names for people movers to encourage more socially conscious breeding. The Volkswagon Vasectomy? The Tarago Tubal Ligation? The Honda Hysterectomy. The Kia Condom. I really missed my calling. I shouldn’t have been naming kids, I should have been naming cars!
There have been some very big fails in the car naming department. Did you know Mitsubishi bought out the Mum 500 micro car. They also came out with one of my faves: The Mini Active Urban Sandal. That sounds like a foreign film. Then there was the Ford Probe. That’s a watch and act.
We all had a big laugh when we found out that the Pajero was having sales issues in Europe and South America because Pajero in Spanish means wanker. It made me think that maybe it’s a good idea to name vehicles after our less favourable characteristics? The Nissan Narcissist? The Suzuki Sociopath? The Mercede Manipulator. The Tesla Tyrant?
Ok, I’m done. I’m off to my tank. I’m not kidding. How’s that for a car name for a woman committed to non-violence? In my defence, the Gandhi hasn’t hit the market yet.
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