Dear diary suggestion by Hans Lovejoy, editor
As if I don’t have enough to deal with, my empathy coach just cancelled my appointments because someone in his family ‘just died unexpectedly’.
How ridiculous is that!
And now I am told that my ‘Don’t Be A Dickhead’ sessions will need to be shared with that idiot Nats leader, Michael McCormack, and online harasser and upskirter, Andrew Laming MP.
Yet empathy training is my proudest public relations spin moment – how good is learning how to disguise the aching gulf in your psyche where your humanity should reside?
Through empathy training, my entire team will now learn how to be a better psychopaths!
Oh diary, I’ve worked so, so hard to ensure no-one in my government loses their job. I mean, if one of my MPs went, my slim majority would be in trouble.
The best part of my hard work is the political gain I’ve made – no-one before me has been able to get away with as much as this. Defending the indefensible over incompetence and rorting taxpayer funds has never happened on this scale in Australia before. And we’re getting away with it!
I can’t stop smirking at the slack-jawed journos when a new debacle emerges… They can’t keep up! My good mate Donald really set the path for this type of governance.
I can’t possibly sack an MP for their alleged rape, I told Tracey Grimshaw. We just need to learn not to do it, I said. She didn’t even push back!
Some are saying I am putting my party/tribe before country. Others say I have a tin ear, a glass jaw…
But I just made Michaelia Cash the attorney-general!
Linda Reynolds now has Government Services, Anne Ruston is now minister for Women’s Safety, and Home Affairs minister is now Karen Andrews.
I had all the blokes in stitches when Linda Reynolds accepted her post as Government Services minister. She called alleged rape victim Brittany a ‘lying cow’! How good is that?
With my good mate and fellow Pentecostal, Stuart Robert, in charge of the jobless (employment, workforce, skills), we’ll be all popping a bottle of 1820 Juglar Cuvee champagne as unemployment explodes and the social security system goes under.
How good is ending JobKeeper?
Stuart is the perfect man to throw a cracker at all those seagulls who flock around a bucket of chips.
I think I got away with latest porkie I told parliament, where I said I didn’t know about Brittany’s rape allegations at the time.
Also no-one seems to have noticed how I keep calling the girls by their first names, and the blokes by their last. It’s quite a trick!
Don’t all my cabinet reshuffles and putting ladies in a man’s job prove that I am listening????
Thankfully, Rupert Murdoch listens, and he accepted my Facebook apology after I lashed out at his Newscorp/Sky journo for asking me about losing control over my party.
Also, no-one seemed to notice that I knew a lot of detail about alleged sexual harassment within that media organisation, but knew nothing about what happened down my hallway.
How good are ya mates?