Costume play is not just for Trekkies and Disney fans. If you want to get anywhere in Australian politics, cosplay needs to become a vital part of your skillset.
Remember it’s all about geography, or more precisely the intersection between geography and your political base. Ben Chifley’s old, battered suit which he wore everywhere wouldn’t cut the mustard these days.
Whether you’re on the right or left side of the ledger, the checks of your shirt need to get bigger the further west of the Great Dividing Range you go, at least until you get to Western Australia, in which case special rules apply (wear whatever Kerry Stokes and Gina Rinehart specify).
For men, ties can be dispensed with as soon as you get 100 metres away from parliament, unless attending fund-raising events dominated by bankers or businessmen. If you want to appeal to Joe or Joanne Average, undo your top button, or two if you’re feeling bold, particularly if you’re anticipating being photographed in a pub or at a footy game.
Collar width varies each year. Don’t get caught out. Roll up your sleeves to give the impression you’re doing something useful.
Polyester, wool or cotton? Check who’s funding your campaign and balance their requirements with the personal risk of sweat stains.
Regardless of your girth, shirts need to be tucked into belts unless you’re a member of the Greens, in which case the belt rule only applies when in rural electorates. For outer suburban areas, consider the half and half option (where you can display your tucked or untucked side to the cameras, depending on whether you’re talking to hostile or friendly media).
Choose your belt carefully, avoiding Western style buckles or designer brands unless that’s what the people where you’re going are wearing. Carry various options to avoid embarrassment.
Hats are a bit of a minefield, but can’t be ignored, particularly for follicly-challenged candidates. Having a hat for every occasion (and then some) backfired for one recent PM, while a hat which is too big can lead to public questions about whether there’s anything of value inside it.
Try to find a hat which can work both for visiting drought-stricken farmers and going to the funeral of a not particularly close friend, but take care not to be photographed in a brand-new hat, which suggests inauthenticity. If you don’t actually like wearing hats, get an assistant to drive over your new Akubra a few times before wearing it in public.
When appearing before ICAC, don’t wear anything that costs more than what the lawyers are wearing.
Whether you require a prescription or not, eye glasses are vital for giving an impression of wisdom and learning, while also being a useful prop, particularly when you’re trying to think of something to say (take them off, put them on, clean them, look over them, suck the earpieces, etc). If glasses acting is a mystery to you, study the films of Meryl Streep.
When choosing spectacle frames, it’s important to balance sternness and friendliness – do you want to be treasurer or premier?
Hair is a good thing, on the whole, as long as it’s not in the wrong places (see John Howard). For women, big hair can be useful for blocking the faces of people behind you at press conferences (particularly when paired with heels), or while sitting in parliament at Question Time.
Unpredictable hair can be a problem, particularly in windy conditions, leading veteran political cosplayers such as Bob Hawke to not go outside without having it laquered down. This looks great on TV, but can be disconcerting to anyone you actually meet in person. The same applies to strong makeup (on both men and women). Consider your target audience.
If you dye your hair, don’t start or stop abruptly, use a poor quality product, or change colours mid-term. If all your hair falls out, consider another career, buy a high quality wig, or announce you have a pity-inducing disease.
Tanning products need to be approached carefully if you anticipate being photographed with other members of your political party, for fear of making them look vampiric. If you’re an independent, go crazy!
For men, facial hair can create trust issues between you and the electorate, but is unavoidable in cases of absent chins or excessive daily growth. If you don’t want to commit definitively to the shaving or not-shaving camp (and your policies also tend to have a bet each way), consider investing in a beard trimmer to maintain a constant length, while carefully focus-grouping the correct number of millimetres in advance.
Shoes – black or brown? Decide carefully.
When choosing colours of key accessories (T shirts, socks, ties, underwear, dog bandannas), particularly around election time, be aware that red and blue team colours are reserved for the major parties. If you’re a Green or a Nationals representative, check your hypocrisy level and calibrate the exact tone of your green accessories carefully, to avoid confusion and embarrassment.
For members of minor parties and independents, unless you want to be bold in brown, you will have to fight over the remaining attention-getting colours of yellow, teal, purple and orange.
When considering the colours of other accompanying items (iPhones, purses, cars, and personal assistants), remember these need to be considered like bridesmaids to your good self. They must be connected in terms of palette and style, but never risk overwhelming the main attraction.
When you get elected, the political cosplay fun doesn’t have to stop there. If your success relies on blaming others, consider which minorities you can demonise by wearing or mocking their style of dress. You can also thank any special funding interests, for example by wearing high vis mining apparel.
Whatever you decide to wear, remember clothes maketh the political man, or woman, unfortunately.
Originally from Canberra, David Lowe is an award-winning film-maker, writer and photographer with particular interests in the environment and politics. He’s known for his campaigning work with Cloudcatcher Media.
Long ago, he did work experience in Parliament House with Mungo MacCallum.
For four decades The Echo has printed the stories some people loved, some people hated, and some pretended not to read. If you want us to keep telling the truth, the real truth, not the sugar-coated version. We’ll need your support to keep the presses rolling. 
