18.5 C
Byron Shire
April 23, 2021

Mandy Nolan’s Soapbox: Some like it HOT

Latest News

Tweed Council to write to government for more housing support

With a shortage of affordable housing in most areas of the Far North Coast, it is not surprising that Tweed is also feeling the pinch and Council has declared a housing emergency in the area owing to a lack of availability and affordability.

Other News

Byron Drag Racers World Record

The local AAA Racing motorcycle team have set a new world record in 100cc class, as well as a top national speed in 50cc class at the recent Australian Speed Week held at Salt Lake Gairdner, South Australia.

Decisive handling

Keith Duncan, Pimlico It’s great to see popular Victorian Premier Daniel Andrews rehabilitating well and on-track to return to work. His...

Poor Council drains

Kate Anderson, Mullumbimby In response to and support of Kerry Gray’s and Robin Gracie’s letters Echo 31 March). The McGoughans Lane...

Death for koalas

Maria Paola Torti, Italy I’m Maria Paola Torti. I live in Italy, and I’m very concerned with the NSW coalition government’s...

The Channon resilient after disaster

Northern Rivers communities are nothing if not resilient and The Channon community is preparing to take a proactive stance when it comes to disasters in the area.

Exciting lineup for 2021 Bangalow Music Festival

Southern Cross Soloists (SXS) yesterday unveiled a stellar Bangalow Music Festival program for August 2021. The theme for the 19th festival is 'music’s inexhaustible joie de vivre'.

Mandy Nolan: Some like it HOT

I’m experiencing climate change. Every night I am a planet that heats up. I won’t use the M-word. I don’t like it. When you use the ‘m’ word people glaze over. They stop listening. I know I used to. I was even on an ABC show last year called Ask the Doctor with a doctor talking about the M thing and I should have listened because then I’d know what’s happening.

But I didn’t pay attention because I didn’t have climate change back then. I think that’s why it’s such a surprise when it happens, because none of us has a clue what the hell is going on.

All I know is that I’m out of eggs. That makes me sad. In the fridge of life I am now an empty carton. I loved my eggs. I make great omelettes. All that’s left in my uterus now is a feather and a post-it note that says, ‘I owe you an egg’.

I don’t sleep, either. I have this wicked insomnia where I’m pretty well awake most of the night. Unfortunately in the cinema of my brain I don’t get to choose the movie. It’s not like Netflix; there’s only one show on. You end up watching the weird shit your subconscious plays, which is a very cheap little short film about how much money you owe, all the things you haven’t done, and how little time you have to do it all. Although the acting is terrible and the script even worse, the tension is overwhelming. And you can’t help but watch it again and again. It seems to be on a loop. The only relief from the film is my personal climate change.

The heating thing is weird. I don’t really understand how it relates to the eggs. But it happens mainly at night. I wake up every half-hour hot. Not just hot. On fire. Like the heat is coming through my head; it’s in my hair, it radiates from the inside out. I think about cutting my hair into one of those practical older-lady styles. I always wondered why women did that. Now I understand. I’ve had to hide the scissors. Because even your fricking hair gets stupid hot.

I don’t think I’ve felt heat like it. As soon as it happens you have to rip off all your clothes. Everything. If this is a hot flush I hope it doesn’t happen at Woolies because I’ll be naked in an instant. It’s not a choice, it’s a reflex. I’ll be the naked woman climbing into the cheese fridge. You’ll find me in there covered in cooling slabs of haloumi. Oh bliss. Naked covered in cold, soft cheese. I fantasise about emptying out my own fridge just so I can use it as my personal climate-control unit.

I think I am awful to sleep with right now. My husband hasn’t said as much but I do hear him whimpering in the night. I constantly seek the cool side of the pillow. Which means I’m auditioning pillows all night. Rejected pillows are hurled from the volcano of my bed, and when they cool, I scramble to gather them. They feel a bit like smooth, cold haloumi. I can’t work out whether I need bedcovers on or off. As soon as I get hot I kick them off.

Kick is the wrong word. I explode them off. My husband shrieks in shock. He’s freezing his nuts off over there, but I don’t care. I’m heartless like that. I notice I have droplets of sweat beading on my forehead, between my breasts. Like I’m lying on a towel at the beach on a 40-degree day. But it’s a cold winter night. I look over the vast continent of my bed and way in the distance I see my husband attempting to huddle under what’s left of the doona. He’s freezing. Lucky him. Just a metre away I am naked, and on fricking fire.

I put the fan on. I’ve have a cold shower. How can two complete temperatures exist in one bed? Then as quickly as I heat, I’m freezing. This is when I steal what’s left of the doona off my husband. This happens every half-hour. Apparently it’s some sort of hormonal change as I move ‘towards’ the M-word.

For my husband it’s more like hypothermia. It’s a medical emergency where his body loses heat faster than it can produce heat. Next time he complains I’ll wrap him in alfoil. Like a spinach roll. I’ve seen them do that on the news when they rescue people who’ve gone missing on long walks in the Blue Mountains. Except he needs a rescue team in the bedroom. I expect he’s almost dead some mornings; he certainly looks it.


Support The Echo

Keeping the community together and the community voice loud and clear is what The Echo is about. More than ever we need your help to keep this voice alive and thriving in the community.

Like all businesses we are struggling to keep food on the table of all our local and hard working journalists, artists, sales, delivery and drudges who keep the news coming out to you both in the newspaper and online. If you can spare a few dollars a week – or maybe more – we would appreciate all the support you are able to give to keep the voice of independent, local journalism alive.

9 COMMENTS

  1. Give some thought to the robot. Hot or cold is directly transferred according to … hot or cold. Cold and your infra red has to kick in. Hot and your superconductors are working overtime. Not that there’s any feeling. As Spock would have said, feeling is only a kind of uncertain logic. But as Greer said, the other side of the m-word the woman is free for the first time in her life. My hairs are greying and thinning in fact I’m heading for a unmeant tonsure, guess that’s life, or programming. As the case may be.

  2. Hi Mandy : Got the same intensity of Hot = Cold then melting in Diaphoresis in the Night …the M word ….Tossing & Turning like an Italian dressing …Love my cool Pillows ….Green _ House effect beginning & ending with M !

      • The Leftist press is pathetically trying to cling to an idelogical fog. Mandylion was funny for once and skillful as well, drawing the analogy, climate change, change. Praise due.

      • This week, Mandylion will be back to her usual proselytizing, maybe the funny bone is subject to climate change as well. Maybe the Echo is just an echo of an echo. Maybe boast can be put in context. There’s certainly a lot of it, the country is sstanding in it.

LEAVE A REPLY

Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here

Simon Richardson steps down as Byron Shire Mayor

In an eventful day for Byron Shire Council, pot-stirrer Fast Buck$ was ejected from the council chambers yesterday and later Cr Simon Richardson announced that he will be stepping down as mayor from the end of next week.

Pay parking for Lennox Head?

Yesterday's Ballina Shire Council meeting saw councillors raise the spectre of paid parking at Lennox Head, and possibly elsewhere in the shire.

They will not be forgotten…

In the wake of the pandemic restrictions, ANZAC Day will be commemorated in a COVID safe fashion and some areas will ask residents to...

East Ballina Lions desperately needs new members

East Ballina Lions Club has given over thirty years of service to numerous community programs and initiatives, but if it doesn't get more members soon, it will have to close.