People have said some crazy shit about me, but the other day a friend told me a friend of his had advised him not to vote for me in the last election because I was in the Illuminati. How bizarre. I am a member of the Greens and the Bangalow CWA, but that’s the extent of my covert memberships. One wants to tax billionaires and end coal and gas. The other makes awesome cakes. Neither really seems poised for the secret society status of the Illuminati. Neither are on track to world domination. I wish they were. Imagine a future with housing and scones for all! Sweet!
I had to google Illuminati – which I guess is the first sign you’re not in the Illuminati. There was so much weird stuff it gave me a headache. I couldn’t read it all. To be honest, I didn’t understand it. Something about the 15th century and stonemasons and the New World Order. I’m familiar with New Order. They had a hit song called ‘Blue Monday’.
But as for overlords trying to control world affairs – it feels a bit far-fetched. Or, totally insane. I am a Mullumbimby mother of five. I don’t even know how I would fit the Illuminati meetings in. I’m pretty busy as it is. I can’t even make it to parent-teacher night.
So in a nutshell, without all the batshit crazy stuff, ‘The Illuminati is a conspiracy theory about a secret society that controls the world. Some believe they have infiltrated global economies, politics, technology, media, entertainment, and science.’ Hey, I’m flattered that someone out there considers me to be part of the global elite. But I still haven’t managed to get elected in a regional seat. I still put up my own posters for gigs. I’m not elite. I’m not controlling anything. I can’t even toilet train my dog. Let alone develop and implement a plan for a New World Order.
Newsflash: Those people kind of exist. The elite who control us. But they’re not behind some shadowy veil. They’re people like Musk and Zuckerberg and Bezos. They don’t need secret handshakes to exert their power. They use digital platforms and tech and misinformation and fear. It’s their logos that are the footprints they want us to follow to our future. They write the scripts. They are the hands pulling the strings, writing the code. It’s not the Illuminati. It’s worse. It’s free market capitalism. And we’re addicted.
As the cost-of-living crisis tightens its pincer grip on the world, with record homelessness and a rising sense of hopelessness, Musk is on track to become a trillionaire in the next decade. That’s obscene. In my opinion, that’s world domination. And it’s no secret. It’s happening in full view. I’m just a 57-year-old woman on an exercise bike at 5.30am every morning, the only thing I am trying to dominate is my BMI.
Apparently it started because I was giving an Illuminati hand sign in a photo. I think it was some sort of finger placement on my face. It made me nervous about touching my face in public. Or picking my nose in the car. And why would you want to give a hand sign? That seems like primitive tech. If you’re working with the Illuminati, wouldn’t they have a WhatsApp group? Secret hand signs are so 15th century.
I often wonder what it would be like if I really had the power to create this mythical New World Order. Well I’d definitely stop logging, and we’d stop coal and gas, and I’d stop this insane house hoarding, and this incessant need for wealth. And women wouldn’t need botox because they wouldn’t feel judged about their age and men would stop killing us, and we’d hug it out and the hugs would be consensual. And the world would be quieter, and kinder, and fairer and greener.
I often wonder why is that scary? Have we become so completely socialised by greed and violence and power, that we no longer trust peace or justice or love?
Oh, and apparently I’m also a Satan worshipper. FFS. I’m a feminist. I’m not worshipping any dude.
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