Mandy Nolan’s Soap Box: How to hug

I saw it the other day, the Mullum Hug.* And it was then I realised that I hadn’t seen it for some time, not like this, not in its full 20-minute soul-to-soul traffic-stopping glory. I was crossing the street when I noticed two women greeting each other on the adjacent corner. We were all brought to awareness of their sister soul connection with a proclamation: ‘I haven’t seen you since yoga!’ And yes, before you ask, one was heading to Santos, one was coming from Santos.

It was like the planets had aligned or, at the very least, their shopping trips. They both carried baskets. One full. One empty. They both wore long bamboo natural-dye skirts and had their hair freshly hennaed. When they they spotted each other, baskets were dropped. The actual pavement was not fully reached.

A proper hug starts like this. Huggers do not move to safety. The Mullum Hug is not from the rational realm. It is a spontaneous performance of the love vector that must occur precisely at the point of soul connect. This is how we pass on immunity in our town of heightened consciousness and conspiratorial fear of real evidence. So as the disenchanted Melbourne- and Sydneysiders take up residency in our Shire, I think it’s very important, before we allow them to stay, that we teach them how to hug.

And I’m not talking one of those poxy double-cheek-brushing how’s-your-almond-latte greetings favoured by our urban hipster refugees. I’m talking the Mullum Hug. Old school. The kind of hug you give when you don’t have a job, or somewhere to be, or give a shit about the people behind you in a queue waiting to be served.

So this is how you do it. Firstly you have to identify your target. Now they don’t need to share your enthusiasm or even your inclination for a hug, you just have to drop everything and make the approach. You need to be in your centre. Bend at the knees a little. A proper hug can’t be performed when you are lock-legged. You’ll accidentally head butt each other and fall over. A Mullum Hug comes from the pelvis. The body is open. You need to check your chakras are aligned and turned on. Open your arms. Rock your pelvis forward. Head slightly tilted and drop down. Make yourself wide.

A Mullum Hug is not a cursory grab. You have to wrap yourself around the other person. Enfold yourself into them. Even the most unwilling subject should be able to be forced open in a matter of moments. You can’t be holding stuff like iPhones and car keys. You need to drop your stuff right there. You need your hands to molest the other person. No-one wants to be keyed up the spine. There are two hug options. Silent hugging. And the moan.

The silent hug is intense. You really shouldn’t attempt this unless you are certain you have a heart connection. You’re gunna go in deep, so keep breathing. In fact, in the silent hug that’s what we hear the most. Breathing. The two of you will connect up with the one breath, quietly holding each other for what seems like a ridiculous length of time. Then just as you are about to break, double it. When you feel the connection starting to get a little weaker, engage your pelvis for a little more thrust. Push your genitals into theirs and give them a quick squash. Not just squash. Really grind them. Some of the men might get a little erect during this part of the process, but don’t let old conditioning hold you back. Full raging rock-hard erections are clearly not acceptable for public contact so it’s recommended to keep arousal at what I’d call half inflation. It’s enthusiastic rather than threatening.

You need to exchange sweat. The hug is a spiritual transfer. You are mingling auras here, so make sure you really push into the personal space of the person you are hugging. A point will arrive in the hug where you will realise that two have become one. It’s a timeless place. This is when you’ll start to moan. It’s intimate. People around you should become uncomfortable. Most importantly the person you are hugging should be uncomfortable, even at risk of wetting themselves, being hit by a car or being rendered unconscious from the tightness of your grip.

This is the last rule of hug. You have to break simultaneously. He who pulls out alone loses. You are instantly identified as having intimacy issues and people will talk behind your back at Kiva Spa. I’ve heard them. So it really does happen. So this is the challenge. This is how we take our towns back from the tourists, lower our property values and regain our sense of community. People of the Byron Shire, bring back the Mullum Hug.

* Mullum Hug was formerly known as the Byron Hug until the real estate boom forced them to Mullum.