I don’t know who is doing Turmeric’s publicity, but can I have their number? I reckon if I could get the same person to promote me I might finally crack it.
Turmeric is living the dream. I’m so jealous. It seems like only yesterday that Turmeric was just a another root going completely unnoticed. Nobody cared about Turmeric. Sure he had potential but his power was overlooked. To be honest it was all about Ginger. Ginger was everywhere. In food, in scented candles, in health supplements. Ginger had the market. Turmeric sat quietly in the fruit and veg watching Ginger get all the attention, knowing deep down that he was better. That must have hurt. But the (vege)tables have turned and now it’s Turmeric giving Ginger the finger, heckling with hurtful comments like ‘You useless knob’ (of Ginger).
It’s clear Turmeric is having his moment. If there were a reality TV show like The Voice but called The Vegetable then Turmeric would be hugging Garlic and accepting the trophy and talking about his journey. Right now the whole world is on the Turmeric journey. It seems, unlike superfoods of the past, Turmeric has a social media profile. This morning Turmeric sent me an email; it said ‘Most Turmeric Users Get Less Than Five Per Cent of Its True Healing Potential’. Then it went on to tell me about a Turmeric enhancer that could see me getting my Turmeric intake enhanced by up to 2,000 per cent! I wonder what a person looks like when they take in that much Turmeric.
My guess is Yellow. Was The Simpsons a cartoon or perhaps a prophetic foretelling of a world obsessed with Turmeric consumption? The future is yellow. Is that why Donald Trump is so yellow? Is that what happened to his hair? Has this moron president become a world leader purely on the fact he’s enhanced his Turmeric intake? Donald Turmeric? If that’s the case I’m impressed but I don’t think the anti-inflammatory properties are working on him; he seems to be creating a lot of inflammation all around the world. Perhaps the only way to fight Donald Turmeric is with more Turmeric.
Maybe that’s the answer to protecting the world from North Korea. We need to build a wall, like the one that Trump wanted to put around Mexico, but we will build it around North Korea, out of Turmeric. In just a week I reckon Kim Jong Un will be that laidback he’ll be asking Trumpie for cuddles. Maybe that’s why they call it Mellow Yellow. Seriously, I don’t even really know what Turmeric does, but it’s my feeling that it doesn’t matter because it’s all about the PR campaign. You can’t go anywhere without people talking up Turmeric. Saying how good is Turmeric. People in cafes, on bus stops, on Facebook talking about Turmeric. Turmeric even scored himself a lead role in a latte. It took coffee years to get that role, but overnight Turmeric has snuck in and kind of refined the latte. Ginger is so jealous. Nobody ever made Ginger the star of a latte. This is Turmeric time. There’s nothing Turmeric can’t do. I expect to be hearing health enthusiasts suggest we can get flatter stomachs and reduce abdominal swelling by popping a knob of Turmeric up our arses. I’ve already got one in. Yes it’s anti-cancer. Cancer hates Turmeric. And apparently anti-Alzheimer’s. It’s certainly taken the pressure off fish oil. And fish by the way taste awesome sprinkled with Turmeric. It’s the anti-inflammatory properties that I find most intriguing though. Recently I got a nasty tax bill. Almost $15k. I was considering a payment plan with the ATO but instead I came up with a great idea.
Maybe if Turmeric really has all these amazing anti-inflammatory properties it can also work on my tax bill. So I started sending Turmeric emails to the tax department, and I have to say – although it’s just anecdotal, and you can’t use this as an evidence-based Turmeric debt-reduction scheme – that in just three months I managed to reduce my debt from $15k to just $150. Next week I start using a Turmeric poultice on my mortgage. Turmeric is even on Tinder asking if anyone feels like a root. Oh yeah, baby, sign me up, I am Curcumin.*
(* That’s the molecule that’s in Turmeric that all the fuss is about.)