When I was six years old my father was killed in a car accident. By then I had witnessed countless incidents of domestic violence. I had seen my father physically and verbally abusing my mother. I had been locked in a room for safety, only to have the door smashed in with a chair. I’ve seen my mother pushed. I’ve seen her punched. I’ve heard her crying and begging. I’ve felt the fear. I’ve heard people whispering about me. I’ve felt the shame.
As a young woman I was in several relationships where I have been assaulted. Every time it came out of nowhere. I’ve been slapped, pushed, punched in the face and strangled. I struggle to describe what it feels like because the degradation and the betrayal is so intense that something inside you breaks. It is terrifying. The person you love is transformed with rage.
The ‘nice’ guy becomes a monster and you are a witness. It’s why it’s so dangerous. When it’s happening you realise you could die here. Once the storm has passed I retrace the events that led to an ordinary situation escalating into terror. And it doesn’t make sense. The raised eyebrow. The querulous tone that led to this. The broken plates. The torn clothing. The blood on my lip. The shame building like a bruise. The broken and destroyed woman trying to work out what to do next. Sometimes I left. But many times I stayed. And I was judged. The compounding fracture of my self-esteem.
I understand this story of violence because I have been inside it. I have stayed. And I have left. And I have done years of therapy and self-examination to forgive myself and work out what happened. And why me. But now I know it’s simple.
Men must stop killing women.
November 25, the International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women, is day one of the 16 Days of Global Activism worldwide to call for an end to violence against women and girls. It ends on December 10, Human Rights Day. I ask that we have this conversation without the comment ‘men are victims too’. That statement appears in every conversation I have ever had about violence against women, and every time it derails it into an argument so the focus moves from violence against women, to violence against men. To me that is a violence in itself, our narrative is coerced so that men are victims instead of perpetrators. This is a conversation about misogyny. About how violence, and the murder of women is the toxic end-game of patriarchy. We are collateral damage.
So while there may be occurrences, let’s park that and focus on gender-based violence against women and girls. Because one in three women globally experience it. And here in Australia around one woman is murdered every week at the hands of her partner or ex-partner. If one man was murdered every week by his wife or girlfriend I think we’d have recognised this as gender terrorism. Most weeks the women who have been murdered go without any of us hearing her story. But I read them every week. I hold the story of that woman in my heart. A stranger, but also a familiar. And a reminder that we have a lot of work to do.
We must end gendered violence. And to do that we need all of us. Men too. The patriarchy must be dismantled. Patriarchal beliefs of male, heterosexual dominance and the devaluation of girls and women lie at the root of gender-based violence. Patriarchy is a structural force that influences power relationships whether they are abusive or not.
And yes, in this space men are victims too. Of patriarchy. Of this system crafted to enshrine masculine power, that has created a yoke of separation where the love language is domination and violence. The stats tell us the harsh truth. Men are more likely to kill women and girls. And more likely to kill themselves.
The patriarchy is killing us.
Let’s finish it.
Ending the ridiculous institution that is marriage would also help end the violence. Evolution is a painfully slow process.
Marriage and Monogamy were female ideas meant to trap men into providing for them and the children. The societies that practice these things have ended up with the highest standard of living for their era in all respects. Presumably you would also be ending child support, as that is a defacto form of marriage arrangement? That way I could use my money to keep a harem.
Men don’t behave well when “trapped”
They do, actually. It’s a civilising force, as child bearing is for women.
Child bearing a civilising force for women you say! Must be so for cats and rats and elephants too then. Think before you post.
Ok moderator, then you point out the axiom her logic would depend on.
They don’t react well to being left either. The most dangerous times for victims of DV are when attempting to leave and the period following.
Who is ‘they’? Check some stats before answering.
Men who perpetrate domestic violence.
It’s too much to paraphrase the lot here but Jenna Price in The Canberra Times Feb 2022 discusses two reports – one by Australia’s National Research Organisation into Women’s Safety (ANROWS), the other by the Australian Institute of Criminology:
“New Australian research into domestic violence murders shows separation or intent to separate was a factor in nearly 60 per cent of cases where a man killed his female partner”.
Settle Petal, I was in no way suggesting that all men are abusers and certainly not that all men murder their intimate partners.
I was objecting T M-D’s trope of the frustrated male lashing out because, poor chap, he’s trapped by a woman. Other studies show that married males are generally happier and live longer than single males and the majority of divorces in Australia are initiated by women.
Some of my best friends are men. Honestly!
I reckon marriage and monogamy were male ideas! And of course the idea was generally that it was only the woman who was expected to be monogamous.
The reason virginity, fidelity and the code of female “honour” was so enforced? Prior to our knowledge of 🧬 how else would blokes know that it was their precious seed that did the job. That it was their male offspring who would inherit their property and power? Why would women invent an institution that instantly took their property, agency, demanded that they “obey” and put them as the mercy of a potential psychopath?
Given a few centuries of feminist struggle and women have shown that they greatly appreciate the chances now to provide for themselves. Too many women have learnt to their peril that a man is not a financial plan and that it’s this belief that TRAPS WOMEN.
“Marriage” is a societal construct. Many have seen through for years and, in the 70s we often did it to keep our parents happy. Now without such pressure, the idea of modern marriage is more a statement of commitment in front of friends and family with a great excuse for a big celebratory shindig afterwards. Few expect that, in the event it all goes sour, they have to stick it out regardless
Maybe because our young have a long period of dependence, we seem to be one of the species that reproduces by pair bonding. Many adults have the emotional intelligence and maturity to sort out all the implications for happiness – and most importantly the welfare of children – that this entails. Some don’t and things can go badly wrong.
I don’t think “marriage” is the cause of DV and is not confined to cohabiting couples.
All women were married, so he would be potentially impregnating another man’s wife, and thus burdening that man and his relatives with the cost of the child. Good way to get yourself killed. The female honour code was the same deal. If she wasn’t a virgin, and hadn’t gotten pregnant, good chance his line would end. A man’s legacy is the reason to put himself though all the suffering, providing and protecting others. The modern version is striving for TikTok fame.
Women and children were expected to follow daddy’s rules because daddy was personally, legally and financially liable for everything they did. He went to jail, not her. If he abused her, the standard procedure was for her father and brothers to….the authorities would turn a blind eye. Men are no longer liable to take care of women. Not even defend them.
I’m sure you looked into the published papers about the effects of single parenting, and the grad student video about family structures, so you understand why the Western family structure created such a high standard of living, even before automation. In other cultures, the men invented slavery and polygamy, which leaves 50-80% of young men free to invade neighbouring tribes and take their women.
When exactly were all women married? There’s a reason sex work is known as the oldest profession.
Contraception is not just a 20th century invention.
I don’t know exactly cultures and how many eons ago you’re referring to but I assure you women have been covered by crimes acts for centuries, especially if they did away with a psychopath partner.
The nuclear family model has not always been the norm in Western culture either. I’m not against it, it has served me quite well as both a child, parent and grandparent. Things don’t always go to plan though and that’s why both sexes planning for independence is a great move.
Are you really suggesting that slavery and polygamy are unknown in the West?
Really Christian you get desperate sometimes.
Having a prostitute in town is not the equivalent of polyamory.
Contraception failing is not just a 20th century phenomenon.
The common law concept of coverture made the husband liable for the wife’s actions.
When was the nuclear family not the standard in the west?
I’m informing you that the west did not invent slavery, it ran around the world, stopping all the other races from continuing to practice it as they had since pre-history, and that we only finished paying for the financial debt incurred from that expensive crusade in 2015. We also banned polygamy.
You get deceptive and mean when you are cornered.
Surely you don’t think I was conflating sex work with polygamy. You were suggesting that men were monogamous because all women were married and they’d get themselves killed. A preposterous suggestion.
The law of merging a woman legally with her husband negated her rights and status under law but not her obligations. I’d didn’t mean she had carte blanche and her husband would swing for her.
Mum, dad, 2.5 kids and a picket fence have not always been the norm (and economic circumstances are mitigating against the model even now) multigenerational families have long existed. I wasn’t talking about a free love 70s communes.
Slavery has always existed. Progressive, left wing, “woke” elements in the west did a lot to eradicate it but the West also has a history of profiting from it.
I think you’ll find polygamous cults still exist. Authorities turn a blind eye or, with no legal marriages, there are no laws broken.
Who is “deceptive and mean” – you or me? Genuine enquiry, not rhetorical.
We’ve moved away somewhat from us both agreeing that a marriage certificate is not a root cause of DV.
The mot and bailey routine is self-defeating.
What do you call the logical fallacy that involves pulling out a label rather than an explication?
Note to His Holiness: some axioms have had a use by date.
Wow! What a story. A credit to you Mandy to be in the place where you are now after experiencing such violence and trauma. Yes! Violence against women must stop.
Our social constructs of gender are such a deeply woven and innate part of our identities. The threads of our current concepts of femininity and masculinity are complex, interwoven and form the core of our identities for many of us and dovetail very well with global capitalism or a social system based on highly efficient extraction, exploitation, heirachy, greed, pillage and violence for the most part. Unfortunately for many, society has not been very tolerant of much deviation when we step outside those constructs.
Anything that challenges the straightjacketed stereotypes of gender should be encouraged and supported. We need to actively provide and promote healthy and alternative masculine constructs for young boys to see other ways of being male other than the norm. There are/have been wonderful local programs and groups like Pathways, men’s support groups, the Uncle Project, Men’s festivals which have done/are doing amazing work in this space, that encourage the softening, challenging and exploration of the rigid masculine concept (but have also died due to lack of support!). Our pre-schools, schools, care centres, universities, workplaces could also be doing so much more around this to challenge and change old behaviours. And of course our frontline services like policing/law support for women’s shelters needs to be bolstered and guaranteed and mandatory education programs for offenders as well.
Change is happening but it’s deep and slow! But obviously not fast enough for many women too. Men must stop killing women.
The Greens are great at issues of violence against all women, unless of course if they are Israeli women being raped, tortured and killed. Then it’s just a massive gaslighting.
Exactly.
I think they see it as a bit ‘Tit for tat’. If you have been following what Israel does every day to Palestinians, you would find it a bit rich for them to bitch about a small payback. Especially when that attack should have been impossible, unless the sensors were turned off, and the defences stood down. But hey, it kept Bibi from going to jail, and got him the PM job again, so a small price for Israel to pay, and low information tools around the world will cause enough static in Western countries to give them cover to ethnically cleanse Gaza. There’s $500b in Gas under Gaza at a time Europe is running out because they won’t do business with Russia.
Christian, I would love for a pro Palestinian supporter,( as you obviously are), explain to me how what Hamas did on October 7th has helped even one Palestinian person. The reality is it destroyed the lives of so many Israeli and Palestinian people, many of them women.
Apparently I’m not allowed to answer you.
Christian come on mate, you are a Palestinian supporter admit it. You disappoint me so.
Supporter? Hammas is not a Palestinian football team, they don’t have tee shirts for soft young boys or hard young men to purchase.
No merchandise at all as far as I know. Think before you post. Inshallah. Maaaate!
Actually, a black and white Keffiyeh is the traditional show of support for Palestine.
Why would I support either side? What is your theory?
More importantly, is your support of Israel because you think they are the first nations indigenous people? Apart from some emotional, self-serving propaganda from your (((mates))), what is your logic for supporting driving brown people out of the Middle East into White countries? Too much Skynews?
I was directing my remarks to your disappointed partner. You would know that if you paid any attention to the words of anyone other than yourself.
Angry G has waxed wistfully recently about soft boys and hard men.
I suppose you are supporting if you send money or weapons, not bullshit.
Why are you replying to my question to little g?
How could I mix up you two?