When I was six years old my father was killed in a car accident. By then I had witnessed countless incidents of domestic violence. I had seen my father physically and verbally abusing my mother. I had been locked in a room for safety, only to have the door smashed in with a chair. I’ve seen my mother pushed. I’ve seen her punched. I’ve heard her crying and begging. I’ve felt the fear. I’ve heard people whispering about me. I’ve felt the shame.
As a young woman I was in several relationships where I have been assaulted. Every time it came out of nowhere. I’ve been slapped, pushed, punched in the face and strangled. I struggle to describe what it feels like because the degradation and the betrayal is so intense that something inside you breaks. It is terrifying. The person you love is transformed with rage.
The ‘nice’ guy becomes a monster and you are a witness. It’s why it’s so dangerous. When it’s happening you realise you could die here. Once the storm has passed I retrace the events that led to an ordinary situation escalating into terror. And it doesn’t make sense. The raised eyebrow. The querulous tone that led to this. The broken plates. The torn clothing. The blood on my lip. The shame building like a bruise. The broken and destroyed woman trying to work out what to do next. Sometimes I left. But many times I stayed. And I was judged. The compounding fracture of my self-esteem.
I understand this story of violence because I have been inside it. I have stayed. And I have left. And I have done years of therapy and self-examination to forgive myself and work out what happened. And why me. But now I know it’s simple.
Men must stop killing women.
November 25, the International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women, is day one of the 16 Days of Global Activism worldwide to call for an end to violence against women and girls. It ends on December 10, Human Rights Day. I ask that we have this conversation without the comment ‘men are victims too’. That statement appears in every conversation I have ever had about violence against women, and every time it derails it into an argument so the focus moves from violence against women, to violence against men. To me that is a violence in itself, our narrative is coerced so that men are victims instead of perpetrators. This is a conversation about misogyny. About how violence, and the murder of women is the toxic end-game of patriarchy. We are collateral damage.
So while there may be occurrences, let’s park that and focus on gender-based violence against women and girls. Because one in three women globally experience it. And here in Australia around one woman is murdered every week at the hands of her partner or ex-partner. If one man was murdered every week by his wife or girlfriend I think we’d have recognised this as gender terrorism. Most weeks the women who have been murdered go without any of us hearing her story. But I read them every week. I hold the story of that woman in my heart. A stranger, but also a familiar. And a reminder that we have a lot of work to do.
We must end gendered violence. And to do that we need all of us. Men too. The patriarchy must be dismantled. Patriarchal beliefs of male, heterosexual dominance and the devaluation of girls and women lie at the root of gender-based violence. Patriarchy is a structural force that influences power relationships whether they are abusive or not.
And yes, in this space men are victims too. Of patriarchy. Of this system crafted to enshrine masculine power, that has created a yoke of separation where the love language is domination and violence. The stats tell us the harsh truth. Men are more likely to kill women and girls. And more likely to kill themselves.
The patriarchy is killing us.
Let’s finish it.
For four decades The Echo has printed the stories some people loved, some people hated, and some pretended not to read. If you want us to keep telling the truth, the real truth, not the sugar-coated version. We’ll need your support to keep the presses rolling. 
