Murwillumbah. Friday, 5.50am
Okay. I get it. We’re at war.
It’s a war against pure evil. It’s a holy war. God is on our side in a battle for the planet. (Sure, we share the same god as the enemy, but they’re evil, pure evil, and we’re good. That’s the difference.)
It’s all a bit confusing for people who are out of the loop and have to drive their own helicopters and pay for their own holidays, so I will clear it up for you:
We hate Isis. Isis is the Egyptian goddess of fertility and we hate her. In fact, we hate all women. (Especially Julia Gillard and Gillian Triggs.)
Isis is also a bunch of savage looney-tunes with a blood lust and a Toyota fetish.
Saudi Arabia used to support Isis (boo! hiss!) but the Americans really like Saudi Arabians so we like them too. (Hooray!) Even though 15 of the 19 hijackers in the September 11 attacks on America were Saudi citizens, the Americans worked out it was the Iraqis who were to blame. We worked that out too. Just after the Americans did.
Anyway, with a wink and nudge from the US, the Saudis don’t like Isis anymore and are bombing them in Iraq. Liking Saudis is easier now.
We used to hate the Iraqis because they claimed the oil under their deserts was theirs. Oh, and they bombed America. So we bombed them back. Twice.
Being ungrateful heathens, the bombed took umbrage and fought against the vicious puppet government we installed for them, replacing their evil secular one. Thus Isis was born in the very cradle of civilisation, at the now rusted gates of Eden, in the whispering shadows of Babylon.
Australia will bomb anything as long as it’s far away and the Americans tell us to. If they don’t tell us to, we ask them to tell us to, so we can say yes and fight against pure evil and save the world against, um, pure evil and the Labor government.
Now, we want to bomb Syria. Syria is far away. And war is what real men with popularity issues do.
We hate the Assad government in Syria. We support the rebel groups who fight against the awful Syrian government. But it’s not Assad we want to bomb in Syria. We want to bomb Isis, who is a rebel group fighting against Assad. Hmm. Tricky. Assad is evil, sure, but not pure evil like Isis is.
The Iranians support Assad’s fight against the rebels (including Isis) in Syria. They also support Iraq in the fight against Isis.
But we don’t like the Iranians. We have imposed sanctions against them because we know they want to build nuclear bombs. They say they are not building nuclear bombs and are signatories to the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty. Yeah, right.
We’d prefer to sell our uranium to the Indians, who, okay, haven’t signed the treaty, and who, sure, have nuclear weapons. But we like the Indians because they speak English and often call us at dinner time.
Lately, relations with Iran are improving. Hopefully, soon, we can bomb stuff together. And sell them uranium.
So, there you go. Australian foreign policy in the Middle East.
It’s a winner. No matter who we bomb, there’ll be refugees and gullible Aussies the Australian government can frighten.
To do so, we need a paramilitary force – let’s call them the Australian Border Collies – which will make us vote Tony and feel safe from refugees who, after all, are really terrorists in Kmart clothing, seeking to kill us just because we bombed them.
Hooray for the Collies – patriotic men with guns who really love Tony. But are not gay. Or organised. Or quite sure what they’re supposed to do.