Ballina takes lead with anti-DV rally

The following article contains descriptions of and references to distressing family and domestic violence. Anyone in need of support can phone 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732).

More than five hundred people have rallied on the Northern Rivers along with thousands across the country calling for an end to domestic and family violence.

Ballina’s rally on Friday afternoon was organised by Rotary Northern New South Wales Governor David Harmon.

Mr Harmon has been organising the rallies in Ballina since 2019 but Rotary clubs all over Australia have joined the campaign, which is marked by supporters wearing purple on the day.

Police play an active role in the events, with Richmond Police District Commander Superintendent Scott Tanner saying recently barely a day goes by on the Northern Rivers when police don’t make at least one arrest in relation to domestic or family violence.

Police ‘zero tolerance’ stance on domestic and family violence

Northern Region Inspector Nigel Howard spoke at Friday’s rally in Ballina of the ‘zero tolerance’ police approach to domestic and family violence.

‘Domestic violence is a criminal offence,’ Inspector Howard told the crowd, ‘it’s never the victim’s fault, it’s always the offender’s fault’.

The inspector said decisions to arrest, charge and prosecute are made by the police, not the victim.

Inspector Howard said children were the hidden victims of domestic and family violence, something family violence survivor Meg Vallentine shared with the crowd from experience.

A mother’s heartbreaking choice breaks the violent cycle

‘It is with guilt and shame that I disclose that not once but too many times, my children did see violence,’ Ms Vallentine said in a gripping speech.

‘It has left scars on them in all different ways,’ she said,  ‘night terrors, broken and damaged relationships and being too strong, too afraid to ever allow themselves to be vulnerable’.

Ms Vallentine shared the story of her young son who she said ‘had to unlearn that you do not use violence and intimidation to control people and get your own way’.

‘This was all he ever knew,’ Ms Vallentine said, revealing how as her son developed into a young man, he started to exhibit violent tendencies at home.

‘When my son was fifteen, he verbally assaulted me, smashed the furniture and he basically kicked in the door,’ Ms Vallentine said.

‘He stormed out of our house and he went couch-surfing for some months,’ she said.

‘I would take him food, his favourite chocolate milk and clean clothes,’ she said, ‘one evening, late into the night, he called me crying profusely, begging to come home’.

‘I wanted to know that he was safe and to forgive him, for my heart never ever stopped loving him,’ Ms Valletine said, ‘but how could I? This was everything I’d promised myself I would never put up with again’.

The mother, having by then already left her abusive partner, made the heartbreaking decision not to let her son return home.

‘As a mother, I was trying to teach my two younger girls this valuable lesson,’ Ms Vallentine said, ‘no person ever does this, says sorry and comes home’.

‘My son needed to learn that his behavior is never okay or acceptable,’ she said.

‘I called him back and I said, “I am sorry, son, but it’s a no. I will put a mattress outside for you or I’ll pay for a motel but you cannot come back”’.

Ms Vallentine said she cried herself to sleep that night and her sent went on couch-surfing until he moved in with other family.

But she said the pair went on to develop an amazing relationship.

‘He’s a young, caring, kind and emotional man that I’m very, very proud of,’ Ms Vallentine said.

‘He tells me, “I know why you made those choices”,’ she said, ‘and he made me the person I am today.’

Ms Vallentine said the impact of family and domestic violence on children was lifelong and life changing.

‘The scars are not on the surface like bruises and stitches,’ she said, ‘they are in their minds, their hearts and their psyche and sometimes no one can ever reach those scars to heal them’.

‘Violence never starts with violence,’ says survivor

Ms Vallentine said her main takeaway message to the rally was that domestic violence never starts with violence.

‘The beginning of domestic violence is charming,’ Ms Vallentine said, ‘it’s intoxicating, it’s manipulative, and it’s dangerous’.

‘The first sign of domestic violence to me was the most unimaginable love story that I had never experienced,’ she said.

The survivor said she and her abuser used to spend every moment together, leading her to believe he loved her so much he wanted to know everywhere she went and everything she did.

‘The end is stalking behavior,’ she said.

‘By the time you notice these first signs of unhappiness, that you are left in the world where there is no existence without each other, you have no one to turn to and you are completely dependent on your partner,’ Ms Vallentine said.

‘This opens a space for other contexts of domestic violence to begin, the name-calling, the insults and being put down,’ she said.

‘I could give you endless accounts of why violence never looks like violence,’ Ms Vallentine said, ‘I was groomed, it continued for 15 years and informed, is still, a part of my life’.

Australia’s first women’s safety commissioner speaks in Ballina

Other speakers at Friday’s event included Women’s Safety Commissioner Doctor Hannah Tonkin and Ballina Shire Mayor Sharon Cadwallader, as well as Mr Harmon.

Doctor Tonkin said housing instability in the region made worse since the 2022 floods and landslides had led to an increase in women and children at risk of domestic and family violence.

NSW is Australia’s first state or territory to have a commissioner dedicated to addressing women’s safety,  which Dr Tonkin said was a big step that would save many women’s lives.

The commissioner said she’d been traveling around the state in recent weeks.

‘On Friday night, in Orange, I attended a really powerful twilight vigil,’ Dr Tonkin said.

‘It was to remember and pay tribute to all of those who have lost their lives, who’ve had their lives taken by domestic and family violence,’ she said.

‘At the vigil, pairs of empty shoes were laid out, every pair of shoes representing a loss of life.

‘That image is still haunting me today,’ Dr Tonkin said.

Ballina mayor shows life is worth living after abuse

The commissioner quoted Australian Bureau of Statistics data of around one in four women saying they’d experienced violence at the hands of an intimate partner.

A recent big national survey looking at attitudes towards violence against women had found 91% of Australians agreed violence against women was a problem, Dr Tonkin said.

‘The overwhelming majority of Australians agreed that this is a problem,’ Dr Tonkin said, ‘but less than half agreed that it was a problem in their own town or suburb’.

‘So many people think that domestic and family violence happens somewhere else,’ the commissioner continued.

‘That is not true, it happens everywhere, it happens everywhere to everyone in every profession, and we can all work together to stop it.

‘It does not discriminate.’

Ballina’s mayor had spoken at a previous Rotary rally of her experience as a domestic violence survivor and this year used the chance to remind people of life after abuse.

‘We know that because of the behind-closed-doors nature of domestic violence, victims can be incredibly reluctant to come forward,’ Councillor Cadwallader said, ‘and in some cases may not believe themselves to be the victims at all, with some victims accepting it as their own fault because they’ve not learned to expect more’.

‘That’s just like me some decades ago now,’ Cr Cadwallader said, ‘but I’m living proof, let me tell you, you have a life of worth, a life worth living.’

*Ava Drake is on work experience from Xavier College

Photos Tree Faerie