Happy, merry Silly Season Darrell!
It was genuinely lovely to see you at the party the other week. It must be three years. We share such long, hard, deep memories; of youth, drugs, risks, loves lost, death, fires and friendships, yet somehow we have come through it all relatively intact, although some would beg to differ. Just seeing you warms my heart.
But maybe, old friend, you could have just asked one question about me or mine in the hour and 29 minutes you talked at my face about your life and your views and your ever-changing philosophy of your existence.
I know my pathway is somewhat boring and predictable in comparison to the minutiae of your latest thought spasm, and so I certainly excuse you from delving into material clearly of utter disinterest and somehow beneath you.
And yes, your family and travels are probably so much more interesting and wonderful than mine, and I guess your shitting pattern and health drama is front page news, whereas mine is just a footnote in some tiresome first-year essay written by AI.
And, of course, your latest haiku poem bears repeating seven times with an explanation of the syllable progression.
I still love you of course, that goes without saying, but I don’t reckon we will be spending much time together next party. Because I’ll hide.
Australian Story
I have a genuine interest in the lives and thoughts of other people. It is why my favourite television show is Australian Story, and my go-to radio program is Conversations. Other people’s journeys are the meat on the bones of life which is pretty important and enlightening even for us vegetarians.
I particularly enjoy the company of people who are massive sharers, because it seems to rip down Victorian barriers I wish weren’t there anymore, even if it is sometimes so personal it is squeamish. And my friends and family and workmates are thankfully two-way conversers, except in times of crisis (mine or theirs) and that is always fine.
But so many people seem to have lost half the art of conversation, the bit when you listen and show interest, and don’t just talk about yourself. I have been on ten-day treks through mountains when, by the end of it, some of the hikers would not know a single thing about my life, but every one of us knows the whole stunning history of Madame X backwards.
We went to a wedding recently where we were seated with strangers and the conversation with each of them never went beyond themselves.
They knew nothing about us by the final speeches. Discussing this in the car on the way home, we wondered if this was a new phenomenon of social media or whether we were just, apparently, really droll.
I have found wisdom and friendship in unexpected places by listening to fishermen, nuns, farmers, children and cleaners.
Everyone has a story
My life has been deeply enriched by bus rides with strangers who share thoughtful insights, giving and receiving. I often wish ABC Conversations just took random people off the street and squeezed out their life stories, and I bet none would be less interesting than the writers and famous people who litter the airwaves. Everyone has a story.
Musing about this phenomenon, I realised that it is genuinely not (well, not entirely) about David feeling churlishly hurt and screaming internally, ‘What about me?’. It is an aching sadness at the lack of caring and sharing, and the prominence of insular self-centredness. Or is it a hidden shyness or anxiety that prohibits questioning others? Whatever it is, what will become of the world if we lose the art of learning from each other? Will we drown in our own reflection, like Narcissus?
An example; one of my favourite questions of other people is: ‘How are you sleeping?, because I sleep like crap some of the time, and I feel so much better exploring my own pathway when it is framed by the experience of others.
And if they ask me back, we have that sharing of perspective with vulnerabilities and personal reflection that leads to real learning, not the social media or book type.
But many don’t ask me back, and interested as I am in their nocturnal machinations, I mourn the loss of insight (possibly) gained by mutual organic communication.
And if everyone could really listen and appreciate others with compassion and even a touch of empathy, then maybe, just maybe saving planet Earth would be easier, war would be less likely, and loving kindness more prevalent. Now that would be an epic Christmas present.
To all the Echoites who read my column this year, and responded with warmth or harshness or correction – I thank you. For listening, responding and teaching me some humility and giving me an opportunity to stop and listen again…
New Year’s resolution
So Darrell, if I get the courage inherent in my New Year’s resolution I will actually send you this column in the hope that we can rekindle our friendship on more equal terms. But I suspect not – I think if I hold up the mirror to your face, you will melt away and spend time only with those who determine to bask in your glory.
I’m a little sad, but maybe that’s okay too.
• David Heilpern is Dean of Law at SCU and a former magistrate.
brilliant !
David: There are some of us (your generation) who still care about others and their lives, but perhaps if you could get this message across to the social-media-fixated Me generation … .
Happy New Year to you!
Thanks David… I really loved reading this
” Australian Story, and Conversations.” seriously ?
David get help! Next you’ll be regaling us with the truths gained from ‘the spirit of Things’ or the wit and humour of ‘the Mind Field’.
The only possible thought-provoking question I can see, to do with ‘Conversations ‘ is, what happened to a member of perhaps the most innovative comedy team, to extinguish any glimmer of perception or insight ?
Of course, I concur with your regret for the loss of human interaction and self-aggrandisement that this digital age has produced, where everyone is their own media promotion campaigner, and ‘devil take the hindmost’.
It does seem to me, to be the unavoidable outcome of our capitalist society of competition, competition and more competition.
Cheers , G”)
Competition works fine if the incentives are set to greater effiency, and satisfying the needs of others. Once the system was rigged, the incentives became perverse, making the resources flow toward perversion, creating a race to the bottom. That is why our society increasing looks like the Soviet Union. Similar incentive structure.
Thank you David. I enjoy your column each week. It is refreshing to read, always interesting and always showing a wonderful compassion. So different from the stories of hate and war, stupidity and greed.
Please keep writing.
I agree, bravo, David. Although I am a bit of a talker, I love meeting strangers, however briefly, and often have the joy of finding there are good and interesting people. Meeting someone with whom one can quickly share views on politics, the world, anything is for me like finding an unexpected treasure.
Often such mutual support goes into a bank of contentedness with the world, to cushion us in darker times. I was disappointed recently to find that a new neighbour barely likes to say hello. But who knows what shoes they have walked in.
*** GenX activated ***
You’re attacking someone’s mentally ill behaviour? I doubt Darrell can help it. It sounds like he has anxiety issues. Possibly a Social Anxiety Disorder, or the like. Boomers do seem to prefer to condemn dysfunctional behaviour as a moral flaw. They are a generation that thought ‘free sex’, easy divorce, under or absent parenting their latch key kids, hippy one minute – yuppy the next, greed is good, tear down centuries of culture that’s in the of my instant gratification, etc, etc, hypocrisy ad nauseam – was somehow not the greatest narcissism and hubris the world had ever seen. Now they have sport in complaining about the wreck of a society they are leaving to us, and belittling younger generations for having a fraction of the behaviour, they themselves modelled for us, simply because it’s being expressed in more visible forms. This is why Gen Z invented the phrase ‘Ok Boomer!’. It’s ‘not all Boomers’, but stereotypes exist for a reason.
*** GenX rant end ***
What a generalising, judgmental juggernaut. A lot of 60’s behaviour was in rejection of hypocritical Victorian or religious precepts. Some people went overboard, but a lot of boomers did not do drugs or have ‘free sex’. Many followed the wartime custom of ‘making do’, and doing without. Many used their abilities and resources to help others less fortunate than themselves.
Just as I feel sorry for people, who do not now the joy of loving animals as well as people, I am sorry for those who have never felt the joy of helping someone turn their life away from self destruction. That includes a few ‘important’ people who told me I was crazy for not using my abilities for my own benefit.
Why do you think so many boomer parents had their kids stick around way past the age they themselves struck out for independence. Sure, more recently it’s because of the cheap rent but the trend preceded that by a long shot. It’s because they welcomed our liberal views on sex, drugs and rock n roll. In other words they felt more comfortable with and liked us.
I look at my offspring, across gens x and y (and their contemporaries) and think we must have done quite a lot right quite in our parenting. Then again, I look at some of the comments on here and think some boomers must have made a real hash of it.
I was so proud once to read an Insta post of my sons, replying to some racist commentary, that he was glad he was raised by compassionate parents.
As for the “from hippy to yuppy bit” there’s some truth there – sadly. But long accustomed to being reminded about what nuisances we were, because of our sheer numbers, we started to be told in the 90’s that we’d bankrupt the country if we all took pensions and we’d better start investing and arranging a self-funded retirement.
The Gen Zs who invented the phrase “OK boomer” did so for the same reason as any others who throw around labels or catch cries – because they can’t think of anything more intelligent to say.
Thank you David for your insightful, authentic and interesting articles. I always get a jolt of delight when I see your name in the Echo, as I know I will read something profound and receive nourishing food for thoughts.
Much appreciated. You make this world a better place
Oh the irony. I long lament the lack of genuine enquiry of the other. Everyone has a story indeed. As I scroll down the Echo webpage, the irony here is the startling juxtaposition of your comments alongside Mandy’s Nolan’s ‘The Gift of Me’. Say no more!